Men, what’s one small, seemingly insignificant thing you’ve noticed that can be a telltale sign of the difference between a genuinely good man and a bad one?

[u/AuthorConfident9386]

[u/s0ulfire]

Ability to admit one’s mistake

[u/Ashendarei → u/s0ulfire]

I'm going to second this, and build on it by saying it's a good indicator of a properly checked ego.  When I was younger (teenager / early adult) I needed to one-up or get the last word in.  It was the cry of a deeply insecure youth that didnt know his place in the world and struggled for relevance.  It took my high school girlfriend telling me "you know its annoying as shit when you do that" for me to recognize it, then years of developing myself as a person to understand it.  

Not saying that my experience is universal by any means, but one of the big things I assess everyone I meet by is if they are ruled by their egos.

[u/MatchaBauble → u/s0ulfire]

And then also deal with it in a constructive way, instead of wallowing in self-hatred.

[u/NCR_High-Roller → u/MatchaBauble]

Wallowing in self-hatred doesn't exclude you from being a good man. It just means you have issues.

[u/pixelprophet → u/MatchaBauble]

Hey hey hey - one step at a time.

[u/BunnyPhuPhu → u/s0ulfire]

This goes with your comment.

... and they NEVER apologize when they've done something or said something mean or rude.

[u/warindf]

How he treats those that he cannot benefit from.

[u/reasimoes → u/warindf]

Apparently that's what cause my wife attention to me. She said: it's funny how you treat the MC Donald's attendant the same way you treat your boss.

Apparently I was raised right. Anyways, that's very true.

Edit: wow, thanks for my first ever reward!

[u/Eminem_quotes → u/reasimoes]

It's a fact. I always treat everyone as an equal or better than myself.

In real life anyway. I can be a real dick to some people on here, LOL.

I treat restaurant staff well, I don't judge or mistreat people who are doing what many people consider to be "lesser" jobs.

I hold doors for everyone, always say thank you and please to people.

I just try to remember that everyone may not be in a place in their life that they want to be , or even expected to be, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't be shown respect.

It's not that difficult to do.

[u/masterventris → u/Eminem_quotes]

The whole lesser jobs thing is always bullshit.

If I am in a restaurant then the most valuable job anyone can perform right now is to serve me and cook my food. I don't give a shit about rocket science or cancer research while I'm waiting for my dinner!

[u/RandomMandarin → u/masterventris]

If you think the people picking up your garbage aren't important, let them go on strike for a month. You'll change your mind soon enough.

[u/radlanrex → u/RandomMandarin]

Anyone who disrespects garbage workers is an idiot. First, those guys make good money, second they take away your garbage. WTF.

[u/RJ815 → u/RandomMandarin]

Doesn't even take that long. Whenever a holiday coincides with (or sometimes even is one day adjacent) to a trash pick up day, waste management in my area skips until the next pickup about half a week later. Even just THAT is enough to cause logistics issues with overflowing trashcans or even issues with food rotting / flies if it's sitting in heat, rain, etc. I live in an area that got hit by a horrible hurricane some years back and debris pickup was like 3 months behind, and it was a nightmare for residents and businesses. There was money lost to damage but then a lot more towards not even being able to have normalcy for months.

[u/Eminem_quotes → u/masterventris]

Oh I agree 100% my friend.

I was just meaning how many people will act that way in some need to feel superior to others.

[u/Bladelink → u/masterventris]

Agreed. The whole world can't be made of 100% doctors and lawyers and astronauts and shit. The brain surgeon on his commute to the hospital still needs a breakfast burrito on the way, and that person deserves to be treated like a human still.

[u/BunnyPhuPhu → u/Eminem_quotes]

I always think of the quote: "Disrespect will close doors that apologizes can't reopen".

It has rung true in my life, and I live by always being kind.

[u/TierOneCivilian → u/Eminem_quotes]

People I work with are shocked that I know the janitor’s name.

[u/Eminem_quotes → u/TierOneCivilian]

The company I used to work for, the janitors were the coolest people there. I always told them their job was way more important than mine. Let them all quit and the place would devolve to anarchy so quickly.

[u/RJ815 → u/Eminem_quotes]

Almost every single job wouldn't notice or would run smoother if certain admin / c suite people were gone, and vice versa many places would grind to a standstill if the entry level was gone. For certain small businesses if staff protest and stop showing up to work in unison it basically kills the business right there, as tons of managers/owners don't even know how to do the day-to-day work or otherwise see it as beneath them. With the economy this past year I've seen that happen to MULTIPLE small businesses trying to get one over their employees (usually wage theft), until they were gone entirely.

[u/pagit → u/TierOneCivilian]

At my wife’s company parties I end up talking to staff at the venue.

I just relate more to them to my wife’s president and CEO of the company even I can hold a conversation with them easily enough

[u/lrdwlmr → u/warindf]

Or those who are beneath him or outside his “tribe.” I first heard this as dating advice, but it’s much more broadly applicable than that: “someone who’s nice to you but rude to the waiter isn’t a nice person.”

[u/fcocyclone → u/lrdwlmr]

Broadly applicable but yeah especially applicable to dating advice since most people are trying to put their best foot forward and impress their dates\SOs. Some people never stop that effort, but its a glimpse into what kind of treatment could be ahead if and when they do.

[u/justageorgiaguy → u/warindf]

"Treat the janitor with the same respect as the CEO"

I actually respect the janitorial staff more.

[u/GoabNZ → u/justageorgiaguy]

Without the CEO, the company might have issues in a month or two. Without janitors, the company will be in chaos by tomorrow

[u/MoonChaser22 → u/GoabNZ]

Tomorrow if you're lucky. Depending on the workplace a couple of hours may be all it takes

[u/strider_sifurowuh → u/justageorgiaguy]

I prefer to treat the janitor with respect, unlike the CEO

[u/Top-Ad7551 → u/warindf]

Every now and then I hear something that fills in missing wisdom- this is one of those!

[u/Defiant_Wolf5934 → u/warindf]

This, is by far, the biggest tell for anyone's character on whether they are a good person or not. When you lose your job, your income, your status, if they still treat you and value you the same, that's how you know they are a good person.

[u/GoabNZ → u/warindf]

How he acts when he thinks nobody is watching

[u/amy-schumer-tampon → u/warindf]

Thats valid for everyone.

[u/ColdSmokeMike → u/warindf]

I struggle with feeling like I'm using the people in my life, since I have a terrible habit of not talking to someone unless I need something from them. I know it goes both ways, they're also not contacting me during those periods, but it still feels like I'm taking advantage of friendships.

[u/MajesticOrange1 → u/ColdSmokeMike]

that’s pretty much what friendship in middle age becomes. unless you live in close proximity, work together, or have opportunities to connect regularly. most people don’t so it becomes more like you describe.
i think the biggest thing is if it feels like you picked up right where you left off, or if it feels like you struggle to connect again when you do make time for each other. it’s usually pretty easy to answer that one

[u/Seige_J → u/ColdSmokeMike]

I noticed after I graduated high school, I was always texting my buddies to meet up or play Xbox or whatever. One day I thought “what’d happen if I stopped texted them first?”. I’m not a super social person so I had no problem not talking to anyone. Well… I haven’t talked to any of them in a little over ten years. I stopped texting and never heard a word. There is a small part of me wishes I kept the relationships I’ve had but we are well beyond that. But also fuck those guys. My real friends would notice if they hadn’t heard from me and would care enough to reach out. I can’t speak to if they noticed or not, but I know they didn’t make any effort to keep me around.

[u/theegrimrobe → u/warindf]

honestly that is something true of both genders, the way somebody treats service staff is often a reflection of how they are as a person

[u/your_literal_dad → u/warindf]

This is "seemingly insignificant"?

How man treats [tollbooth operator | security guards | random people on the street]?

Cant be that insignificant

[u/Dakiniten-Kifaya → u/your_literal_dad]

I'd say its not insignificant, so much as invisible to casual acquaintances.

[u/Rumplfrskn → u/warindf]

That’s a really good one.

[u/bleYleng21]

How they lose

[u/Particular-Beat-6645 → u/bleYleng21]

I'll do one better: their interpretation of why they lost.

If a leader is always demanding someone else take responsibility and keeps praise for themselves, they're not an effective leader. 

[u/aeschenkarnos → u/Particular-Beat-6645]

“If you succeed it’s because of me. If you fail it’s because of you.”

Shitty bosses, parents, teachers, coaches, etc etc have run that one for millennia.

[u/UpperApe → u/Particular-Beat-6645]

A better example today is comedians.

A good comedian makes a bad joke and blames themselves. A bad comedian makes a bad joke and blames the audience. For being too dumb or "sensitive" or whatever. Ego overtakes their intellect.

It's relevant today because good comedians continue to flourish in their craft; touring, writing, etc. Bad comedians all become podcasters. Because you no longer have to read rooms and evolve. You can sit and stagnate and let your audience come to you and build around you.

Bad comedians don't grow. Which is why comedian podcasters tend to be such insufferable dimwits obsessed with a discourse and discussion they aren't equipped to navigate. And why their audiences seem to be the terminally incompetent.

And it's why they've become so especially dangerous.

[u/Impossible_Bid6172 → u/UpperApe]

Every time a director, whether game or movie, came forward and blame the audience for being too dumb/too shallow/unaware/etc to enjoy the work thus the work flopped, this is the issue. They can't accept that either the work is shit, or they pitch it to the wrong crowd (do you have phone?). It's always the audience is wrong to not enjoy it/not play it how they intended. Well, wallets speak and their flop is well deserved. The few ones that apologize for their work or for their part in the failures, now i have hope for them next time.

[u/UpperApe → u/Impossible_Bid6172]

Yeah, it's the same across all fields.

Those who blame themselves are the ones who change themselves. Those who blame the people around them, change the people around them.

It's just the mark of a bad person who throws away every opportunity for growth and reflection, in order to stagnate and harden.

[u/gogojack → u/UpperApe]

I did stand up for a bit. One of the worst things you can do is turn against the audience. You will never win that fight.

[u/Jonseroo → u/bleYleng21]

I'm not sure about this one. My wife is a supremely kind, fair, ethical person, but she went to bed without talking to me last week after I beat her high score at Yahtzee.

[u/LeaneGenova → u/Jonseroo]

I'm banned from playing competitive games with my husband because he always wins and it makes me salty. I've switched to buying only co-op games for the sake of my marriage.

My husband is the most graceful winner and loser, which makes it all the more insulting that I'm such a brat lol.

[u/Rommel79 → u/LeaneGenova]

Look for a card game called Ito. It’s a cooperative card game where the more people you have, the harder it becomes, but it’s still really fun. It encourages cooperation and discussions about why you ranked your item where you ranked it.

I played with my wife, another couple, and all of our kids and every single one of us had a blast.

[u/SnappySausage → u/LeaneGenova]

Hahaha, I have a friend like that. She'd always get so upset if she lost. Even if she won like 9 times (if I let that happen) in a row and I'd get the 10th, she'd be upset by it. Needless to say, letting her win was also not a solution since she'd notice that, which led to a fun lose-lose scenario, as I seem to be a bit better at games generally. So in the end it was a better idea to play co-op games since I didn't want her to get frustrated every time we'd play.

[u/LeaneGenova → u/SnappySausage]

I never win against my husband, love him to death but he is way too good at games. I've gotten better at it over the years, but my competitive side is a little brat and cannot be trusted and thus, she remains in time out while I focus on marital harmony.

[u/MLA1092K3 → u/bleYleng21]

Could you elaborate please?

[u/MeesterPepper → u/MLA1092K3]

Sportsmanship. When they lose, do they take it with dignity? Do they compliment the person who beat them, and learn from the loss? If it makes them upset or frustrated, can they keep it reigned in in the moment and deal with it in a healthy way later?

Or do they throw a tantrum, flip the table, cuss out/blame other people, insist the game wasn't fair or that someone cheated? Particularly egregious if we're talking about someone behaving this way over, say, their sports team of choice taking an L

[u/n3rdfighte7 → u/MeesterPepper]

You mean like the guys that blame lag/disconnects or accuse me of cheating every time they lose a game , because its impossible that they would lose any other way?

[u/NotMyPrerogative → u/n3rdfighte7]

No no no, my entire team sucked, everyone but me!

[u/HillInTheDistance]

Response to criticism.

Like, not criticism on a fuck-up, or quality of their work.

But when they have actually done something kinda shitty to someone.

I had a boss who made a kinda fucked up joke about a coworker once. Asked to talk in person about it, and his reaction was to just calmly listen, acknowlege that it was kinda fucked, and then not do it again.

The fact that he could take that kinda criticism from someone who worked for him, take it with grace, and actually change how he acted, made him the first and only boss I've actually respected as a person.

Hell, he fired me, and I can still only speak well of him.

[u/CastBeginning → u/HillInTheDistance]

That's real leadership humility, grace, and growth. Rare in anyone, let alone a boss.

[u/trunksfreak → u/HillInTheDistance]

True leadership is leading by example. If you refuse to be at the front lines with those you manage, then all you are is a boss, not a leader. It takes a special kind of person to lead by example and usually those are the ones who are worthy of the position of leader, but don't want to be in that position.

[u/footsnax → u/HillInTheDistance]

Learning how to properly give, receive, and respond to feedback should be taught in middle school.

It's one of the most important professional qualities you'll need when you're on the workforce. You are ineffective if you can not constructively give feedback or direction, you are ineffective if you can not interpret feedback or direction, you are ineffective if you can not deliver an effective response to said feedback.

You can be as good at your job as you want but if you can't work with anyone, nobody will want to work with you.

[u/sisyphus_was_lazy_10]

Paraphrasing a Greek proverb: A society grows great when old men plant trees in whose shade they know they shall never sit.

Unfortunately, we have a lot of old men running things right now that are only creating shade for themselves.

[u/unoriginal5 → u/sisyphus_was_lazy_10]

They're not creating any shade. They actually as though shade is a finite resource and take as much as they can get for themselves. They'll even destroy 100 acres of shade to gain an inch for themselves, because theirs will then be more valuable.

[u/3vs3BigGameHunters → u/unoriginal5]

Did you know one of the infamous Koch brothers died in 2019?
Most people don't, because other than the people who personally hated him, nobody gave a shit.
He destroyed the environment, treated people like shit, funded right-wing bullshit, and was an all around cancer on society.
No state televised funeral, no statues erected, no songs by Elton John. Nothing.
Died with fifty-billion dollars to his name and everyone who reads this who just found out is happy that asshole is dead.

[u/BunnyPhuPhu → u/3vs3BigGameHunters]

I remember.. I drank a toast with some good liquor, and wished him well on the golden escalator to hell.

[u/Own_Zookeepergame271 → u/BunnyPhuPhu]

Um, I believe it's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven. The traffic pattern is kind telling don't ya think?

[u/3vs3BigGameHunters → u/BunnyPhuPhu]

Nice. Did he fuck you over personally?
Or was it just a toast in solidarity with his victims?

[u/scriptfoo → u/3vs3BigGameHunters]

their money went to undermining environmental laws, labor laws, and social safety net programs. So, even if they didn't fuck me over directly, eventually I (and practically all of us) would be.

[u/Anothernamelesacount → u/scriptfoo]

Man, they truly are cartoon villains through and through

[u/waterfountain_bidet → u/3vs3BigGameHunters]

See your energy bills this summer? He personally fucked each and every one of us. I often wish there was a hell, because I would like to imagine him (and some other guys) being tortured forever.

[u/BunnyPhuPhu → u/3vs3BigGameHunters]

I think he fucked every single American with his existence, so it was a solidarity toast.

But I'm not rich enough for him to have fucked me over personally. I wear my badge of semi-poverty with pride.

I'm fully aware of the evils that too much money brings. Once you reach a certain point you have to become a sociopath to want more.

[u/cryptoengineer → u/sisyphus_was_lazy_10]

Reminds me of:

“I must study war and politics so that my children shall be free to study commerce, agriculture and other practicalities, so that their children can study painting, poetry and other fine things.” — John Adams

I actually do enjoy the shade to two sugar maples I planted beside my driveway 20 years ago - they are now over 30 feet tall, ad make parking there in summer bearable.

If I planted them today, I wouldn't get to enjoy them.

[u/MyFiteSong → u/sisyphus_was_lazy_10]

They're cutting down and selling the trees.

[u/FecusTPeekusberg → u/MyFiteSong]

And salting the earth so no more will grow.

[u/joanzen → u/sisyphus_was_lazy_10]

Here's a point to ponder: Everyone is worried about the lack of skills transfer due to COVID. But if you retire people with skills early enough/at a decent and fair age, then you'll discover and skills gap prior to the person dying with exclusive knowledge?

So if we retired politicans a bit younger we'd be sure we have a good stock of young replacements who are doing the work out of interest vs. demand/best we can find?

Crazy logic.

[u/sutree1]

The only way to judge a person is by observing their actions over time.

Our society is obsessed with being able to sort good from bad at a glance. That's not how it works.

[u/FreemanCalavera → u/sutree1]

Best answer in the thread. Even wonderful people can have shitty days where they react out of line to something. That doesn’t make them bad people, it makes them human.

[u/RichWPX → u/FreemanCalavera]

Sometimes that one day can cost someone for the rest of their life. It sucks but it's very true.

[u/TexWashington → u/sutree1]

Deffo need solid sample size, for a more nuanced approach. However, how many times should one observe shitty behavior from an individual before taking caution? How many green flags make for a false sense of security?

When talking to strangers, all one has is their first impression. And a bad first impression is hard to overcome, and good first impressions make tragic betrayals.

[u/FLguy3 → u/TexWashington]

Prettt much this. Takes a while to confirm someone is good. Often doesn't take that long to confirm they are not.

[u/ReturnOfBane → u/sutree1]

"Villains who twirl their mustaches are easy to spot. Those who clothe themselves in good deeds are well-camouflaged."

[u/NuclearMaterial → u/sutree1]

A nuanced answer? On my Reddit?! Gtfo

[u/Trans-Europe_Express]

Their personality or attitude about women doesn't change when there are only other men around.

[u/Stoictripreset → u/Trans-Europe_Express]

Or their personality or attitude doesn’t change toward other men when a woman enters the room.

[u/Wait_I_gotta_go_pee → u/Trans-Europe_Express]

It’s a shame that women aren’t around to hear the differences or lack thereof, isn’t it?

[u/tedivm → u/Wait_I_gotta_go_pee]

My now wife moved in with me when I was living in a house with roommates. She was home and one of the other roommates didn't realize it- he and his best friend were saying some of the most vile shit apparently (stuff they never said around me) and were horrified when she walked out and asked them about it.

[u/lavendermintchip → u/Wait_I_gotta_go_pee]

As a trans guy, it was crazy seeing the difference between what other guys were comfortable saying (about women) around me pre and post transition.

[u/Informal_Ad3244 → u/lavendermintchip]

Did you notice any difference in the way women talked around you, or was it just the men?

[u/Adventurous-Dog420 → u/Trans-Europe_Express]

Oh, this is a good one.

I had a co-worker that was always nice to everyone but as soon as it was just us it was full blown misogyny and racism.

I might be a shaved head white dude that served in the military a decade ago but I'm 100% opposite of what you think bud.

[u/Narradisall → u/Trans-Europe_Express]

I had a friend who was like that. When no women were around he was a nice guy to be with. Chill and helpful, genuinely a good bloke.

When women were around, he’d throw other men under the bus to make him look better. Make shit up like attributing things he’d said about women to other guys etc.

It was a night and day difference for the guy.

[u/dr__paco → u/Trans-Europe_Express]

This is why I believe a lot of women think they like "kind, decent" men and they end up being cheated or worst...

Yeah, you should heard that kind decent funny guy when there are no women around...

[u/Rude-Employment-8778]

He treats everyone with respect and dignity. Kindness is natural, not forced. 

[u/banksy_h8r]

Their humor comes at the expense of others. This can be blatant but it can also be subtle.

If you can't get a laugh without making someone feel bad you're not funny, you're just a cruel asshole.

[u/thepineapple2397 → u/banksy_h8r]

Also worth noting how they react when they're the punchline. I've had many coworkers who would relentlessly "banter" with team members but get aggressive the second someone made a similar joke about them

[u/tyen0 → u/banksy_h8r]

I think an exception can be made for friends, though. Not so subtly insulting each other can be bonding, too. :) I take your caveat that if it's the only method, though.

[u/Rook2Rook]

He doesn't switch his personality up suddenly when women come around

[u/Green_Field113 → u/Rook2Rook]

The amount of men who change into a completely different person when they're around women is insane.

[u/Slice5755 → u/Green_Field113]

Exactly. All of a sudden everything becomes a competition and trying to see who is the most "macho".

Edit: Just about a month ago, we had a lady move into our previously all male department of 8 men. We had great banter and made jokes about each other, you know in a friendly way as we were all quite close.

As soon as the lady joined, things changed. I just made a joke about one of my colleagues getting a flat tyre and driving 7 miles because he forgot his car jack at home. Tame soft joke, nothing too serious or personal.

The guy literally calls me a dick in front of everyone and then room falls silent. Keep in mind, we've made jokes about even more personal stuff in the past. Afterwards he also sends me a Teams message saying that my joke was out of line. I asked him why and he said basically we don't want to create a bad impression in front of our new colleague (referring to the lady) meanwhile, while we've both been working here, there's been about 12 new male colleagues and making jokes in front of them was never an issue for him until now.

[u/hearke → u/Slice5755]

If only he understood, having thick skin and being able to brush off embarassing moments is much more appealing to women than being easily offended and upset.

[u/cant_stand → u/Rook2Rook]

Absolutely hate that. My old friends would do a 180 if a woman we didn't know joined the table.

All of a sudden the usual friendly piss take would be picking on no go insecurities, learned over decades if friendship. Like, genuinely vicious stuff.

[u/bbcahs]

Men who speak negatively about their wives are usually jerks.

[u/disgruntled-capybara → u/bbcahs]

I had a female friend in college who I met for dinner about 10 years after graduation while I happened to be passing through her town. She'd gotten married three weeks previously and had not one good thing to say about her husband. The basic gist of her comments was, "He's sweet, but dumb." I remember thinking if you're three weeks into your marriage and you can't say anything good about the guy, it probably doesn't bode well for your relationship. And why did you marry him to begin with if you don't even like him at a base level?

No shocker when, three years later, she happened to be passing through my area, we had dinner and she told me they'd gotten divorced. It was so bad that he just signed a quit claim deed on their house and walked away. I never saw them interact, but it had to have been unpleasant for someone to do that.

[u/The_Onion_Life → u/disgruntled-capybara]

"He's sweet, but dumb."

If she was willing to say that to you, imagine how badly she treated him.

It was so bad that he just signed a quit claim deed on their house and walked away.

I don't blame him. I'm glad he escaped!

Women can be abusive jerks too!

[u/Kaktusblute → u/bbcahs]

I know a guy like that. He actually thinks what he says about her is funny but it makes him look like an idiot.

[u/Diz7 → u/bbcahs]

Depends on the dynamics.

My friend with the happiest marriage and his wife are always arguing about the dumbest shit and insulting/talking shit about each other.

But they both know it's dumb shit and the insults are just jokes. When it's something that matters they can be serious and work things out like adults. Then it's back to childish games...

[u/MetsukiR → u/bbcahs]

I sometimes wonder if these types of dudes do that to feel more "manly". It's so fucking stupid, makes me not want to interact with them as much as possible.

[u/bussysniffer3000]

Whenever a guy has to say he's a gentleman or a nice guy or bragging about the nice things they've done, even being a white knight

[u/houseonpost → u/bussysniffer3000]

This one is partially true. But it also could be he experienced trauma as a child from his parents. If he is doing it to always prove his worth and is insecure, it doesn't mean he's a bad guy.

[u/chilla124 → u/houseonpost]

Yeah, I can see this being two sides. Though I do notice that the bragging or over mention of these things come from those who are white knighting. Someone who has that trauma doesn't tend to speak up and rather just brings themselves out in the attempt to make others happy.

[u/OneManFight]

In my personal experience, the treatment of animals. Severed friendships with guys that mistreated animals and think it's funny. Crazy how some guys can seem totally fine and then they'll go kick a dog or something for no fucking reason.

[u/evilisordinary → u/OneManFight]

Yea, I just broke up with a guy who stayed overnight at my place for a week or more at a time; meanwhile, he had a rescue pitbull girl he left at home with his dad who can barely walk. He talked a lot about how he was her entire world, but openly admitted that he ignores her when she doesn’t behave the way he wants. He did the same to me, only I knew exactly what he was doing and would just be content in my peace. When this happened in person and I didn’t respond, he would sulk and eventually project and ask if I was ok so he could start a fight.

[u/transemacabre → u/OneManFight]

A lot of shitty people lavish attention on their pets. It's because pets can't talk back and don't have thumbs with which to open the door and leave them. A human has free will and can decide to leave you; an animal does not.

Obviously if someone kicks puppies, don't go out with that guy. But a guy who likes his dog is just a guy that likes his dog, it doesn't mean he's a good person. Even Hitler had a dog that liked him.

[u/EmperorKira]

They get angry instead of embarressed when something embaressing happens. If this happens, not a good sign

[u/dan_jeffers]

All the standard 'green flags' are easily adopted by malignant narcissist. Especially if they have that 'charm' that makes you want to believe them. If you really want to know someone it takes time and there's no substitute.

[u/ChuckaChuckaLooLoo3 → u/dan_jeffers]

All the standard 'green flags' are easily adopted by covert narcissist. Especially if they have that 'charm' that makes you want to believe them.

FTFY.

[u/Various-Rip-9105]

Wether they return the shopping cart at the grocery store or not.

[u/AllHailTheNod → u/Various-Rip-9105]

Is this, like, a significant problem in the US? Here in Germany 99% of people return the cart.

[u/amrilynseat → u/AllHailTheNod]

Yes, a lot of people have “not my job” mentality. Hell, they even leave them inside handicap parking spots

[u/NCR_High-Roller → u/amrilynseat]

The cost of hyperindividualism.

[u/danhm → u/AllHailTheNod]

I've previously worked at a US grocery store for years and years. It's probably not 99% but also no, not really. It's one of those confirmation bias things: it's a lot easier to notice the few carts strewn around the parking lot than the dozens and dozens properly in the corral.

[u/grosse_Scheisse → u/AllHailTheNod]

It's because we might lose 1€ or 2€, there's no deposit for American shopping carts.

[u/bamisdead → u/AllHailTheNod]

Most people do in the U.S., too, which is why the ones who don't stand out.

[u/BetterThanAFoon]

These kinds of questions raised this way are silly. There's no rule book for what makes a Good Man versus a good woman. This isn't a sex question but rather a human being question.

Generally speaking the framework works for anyone.

How do they treat others around them?

What's their motivations or what drives them?

Do they show others basic dignity and respect?

Do they have a general self-awareness beyond selfish ego?

Are there actions consistent with their words?

Even with this all of these things doesn't necessarily make them bad people. Maybe they're just jerks or selfish and you don't want to be around that.

The most consistent one is probably how far they are willing to put themselves ahead of others. That will separate the wheat from the chaff.

[u/cone_snail]

Whether they move shopping carts to the designated return spaces or leave them blocking a parking space.

[u/CosmiTourist]

watch how he reacts when a server messes up his order, when he gets stuck behind a slow driver, or when a mild plan falls through. a guy who is genuinely solid stays grounded and treats people with baseline respect regardless of the frustration, whereas a guy with a bad core lets that quick flash of entitlement, arrogance, or sudden anger leak out the second things stop going his way

[u/FancyKetchupIsnt → u/CosmiTourist]

I agree with almost all of this but the things I say behind the wheel do NOT count

[u/whosline07 → u/FancyKetchupIsnt]

It is entirely rational to be angry at people on the road, especially if they're putting themselves or others in danger.

[u/TheGoldenMonkey → u/FancyKetchupIsnt]

Being in a giant metal box that can kill people and not following traffic laws is 110% a valid reason to be upset/frustrated at/with someone. I'll never be rude to anyone who hasn't already been rude to me but if we're in a car it's a completely different story.

[u/mungd → u/CosmiTourist]

I think the driving example is not like the others.

If people are completely unaware in a grocery store, down a corridor, on the freeway, in a right turn lane and parked right in the fucking middle so nobody gets to turn right until they move…

I’m considerate. When others aren’t, I’m going to be frustrated.

If someone makes a mistake and it impacts me, I’m going to show them grace. I know when I make mistakes, I’m going to be my biggest critic.

The guy who blows up at a restaurant server is the same inconsiderate person in all of the scenarios above.

[u/LARPerator → u/CosmiTourist]

Yup. Really it's just emotional regulation. Does he have it?

If he describes himself as "passionate" as a way to explain his outbursts, that's a red flag. It's not passion. It's poor emotional regulation.

[u/asbestosmilk → u/CosmiTourist]

If it happens once, then maybe not. We all have bad days and let our feelings get the better of us.

But if it’s a regular occurrence, yeah, that’s a huge red flag.

[u/CosmiTourist → u/asbestosmilk]

100% it's not about one-time thing

[u/EidolonRook]

Does he stop what he’s doing and listen? REALLY listen?

A man can’t see outside of himself if he doesn’t really hear the words of others around him.

There’s much that goes into being a good man, but a man who listens and absorbs from others has a better chance at getting there than men who disregard the feelings and perspectives of others.

[u/flip360 → u/EidolonRook]

I was admittedly very bad at being present in conversations and truly, actively listening my whole life. This year I finally got diagnosis and treatment for ADHD (in my 40s), motivated by work and my decreasing productivity. Now that I'm treating it, an unforeseen benefit is that I'm able to be much more present and actively engaged in everyday conversations.

I never realized that much of my temper and mood were tied to the level of energy it took me at all times to focus on literally anything. Medication has helped quiet my overactive mind which has led to much more space for being present in the moment. Paying attention in conversation is now easy. I take interruptions in stride and focus is so much easier to return to. Still tuning my dosage as it's only been a few months but I feel like I've unlocked a cheat code to being a happier, better partner and person. My wife is over the moon and our relationship is so much stronger since I've started treatment.

I'm not trying to hand wave or shift blame, and I totally agree and admit this was a major flaw I have/had. Getting diagnosed and treated is what actually helped me identify, understand, and start to overcome it. I'm kicking myself for not doing this decades ago.

[u/FinnbarMcBride]

How they carry themselves. The ones who go out of their way to occupy as much space as possible with their bodies, are always, always assholes

[u/Far_Mathematician924 → u/FinnbarMcBride]

I'm a large framed man 6' 240lb, and I'm always self conscious about how much room I take up simply bc of my size 

i can't imagine trying to maximize the space I occupy it'd be outright absurd

[u/qxrt]

Those who, upon facing adversity, adapt and make the attempt to figure out a workaround to a problem situation, versus those who just complain and have a victim mentality but won't lift a finger to attempt to fix the situation or help themselves.

Anyone can seem like a good person in good times. The real differentiating factor becomes apparent when there's adversity.

[u/HonestDisguise → u/qxrt]

Second paragraph sure, I’m not sure the first paragraph has a lot to do with being a good person or not, it sound a lot more like resilience (a skill, with individual limits). Good people still get overwhelmed and struggle.

[u/TimmyC → u/HonestDisguise]

this is literally fundamental attribution error

[u/flux_monkey]

To quote the good book: He that shit-talketh to you, verily in forthwith shit-talketh against you

Amen

[u/justlikelyle]

Dating is a mine field for women, but one thing I have found is that if he has neck tattoos and a criminal record, that can be a red flag.

[u/djk2321 → u/justlikelyle]

Ok but what if she can fix him?

[u/justlikelyle → u/djk2321]

All I'm saying is that when he tells you to "get in the fucking car", it can sometimes be worth asking if this relationship is fulfilling you on an emotional level.

[u/Edicedi → u/justlikelyle]

What if the car is a transformer named bumblebee

[u/reebokhightops → u/justlikelyle]

What if the tattoo is prayer hands, though? Surely it cancels out?

[u/vinylrules27 → u/justlikelyle]

What about homemade face tattoos?

[u/justlikelyle → u/vinylrules27]

Is the tattoo a teardrop?

[u/Work_Function]

How they behave when you succeed

[u/thisnamemattersalot]

According to this thread I'm some sort of saint

[u/LanguageNo495]

Why do so many questions basically ask the same thing: “what is something small that has a non-proportional effect?”

[u/lollmao2000 → u/LanguageNo495]

It’s bots farming for AI. Reddit and the internet are dead.

[u/DukeRedWulf → u/LanguageNo495]

Probably AI generated..

[u/BuyHighSellLow__]

Littering

[u/infinitysea]

How a man interacts with someone he does not need to treat well

[u/Key-Article6622]

Is he, or she for that matter, real. I heard a poetry rave performance by the writer and it blew me away because it basically laid out the difference between a good man and a not good man, I don't think she distinguished gender or sex, but it was years ago so I don't remember it word for word, and I haven't found it searching yet, but I digress.

Real. Does he do what he says? Does he say what he'll do and do it? Does he believe what he says? Does he live by that belief? . . . and so on, It was like an 8 minute set and she fucking nailed it with a titanium spike. Answered this question much better than I could even summarize. But being real is the message. A good man is real in all things. A good man can be wrong and accept it. A good man could be right and denied for it. A good man is real. That's the message I took from the performance and it's stuck with me ever since, from years ago.

[u/MillYinz]

They consistently punch down. Point out people with deformities. Treat the needy horribly.

[u/Vind1carre → u/MillYinz]

That behavior is not small, nor is it insignificant. It is a blatant affront to decency.

[u/CanniBal1320]

If their demeanor changes when women are around, especially attractive ones.

[u/UKWildcat13 → u/CanniBal1320]

How does this indicate the prompt? People react to stimuli - unless their demeanor gets dark and weird or something.

[u/Tri4ceunited]

Their stance on men showing emotion.

[u/TM761152]

If they take their shopping cart back, they're a good man. You can trust them with Mjollnir or super serum.

[u/rootbeerislifeman]

Putting your shopping cart back after shopping. The ultimate litmus test of the social contract

[u/f8Negative → u/rootbeerislifeman]

Putting shopping carts that aren't even yours, but were abandoned back after shopping.

[u/Neriya]

One general concept; how comfortable they are with things that would 'stereotypically' make men uncomfortable.

It encompasses lots of things. Are they mortally afraid of the color pink? Can they handle feelings- both their own, and from others? Can they socialize with attractive women as if they are people and not a target? Can they handle being wrong, or embarrassed, or looking silly? Can they be 'fatherly' in public, or even with other people's kids?

In my eyes, the more comfortable a man is in those situations, and about a thousand more like them, then the more even keel they're going to be overall and a better man as a result.

Not to toot my own horn too hard, but I once attended a party at a neighbor's house full of attractive neighbor women, and took the time to play with a set of little girls who decided they wanted to 'do my makeup'. So by the time I ate dinner, my short guy hair was in tiny pony-tails, I was wearing bright pink and blue blush and eyeshadow, all my nails were terribly pink, and I was even fashioned with some clip-on earrings. And that's how I sat down at the dinner table. The girls were delighted, my son thought it was hilarious (the earrings were his doing), and my wife thought I looked like an idiot. And I was a happy man.

[u/FlusteredCustard13 → u/Neriya]

It always floors me as a teacher because our middle school dances usually have a face painting station and the kids will ask to paint teacher faces too. I am consistantly floored that I am the only guy willing to let them paint a little cat or skull on me. There is no rule against this and it is even encouraged.

An additional point here is dealing with children. No man has to like children or want children. However, a good man always at least tries to be kind to children. Even if lack of experience makes them not the best at dealing with kids, you can tell the difference between someone making an effort (even if it falls flat) and someone who is a dick to kids.

[u/Haunting-Orchid-4628 → u/Neriya]

I think being humble is also attractive

[u/Four_beastlings → u/Neriya]

I keep telling my husband that he's the manliest man I know because he doesn't feel the need to perform masculinity. All his clothes got wet? He uploads a picture to social media wearing a frilly pijama bragging that his legs look better than mine. All the guys doing traditional shots of plain vodka? Fuck that, that's disgusting, give him the good fruit stuff instead. He is a proud dad and now that his are older he squees over babies and toddlers. He just has nothing to prove, and that confidence is irresistible.

[u/ImperfectRegulator]

He picks up litter off the ground and throws it in a near by trash can, that or shoves it in his pocket until he’s see a trash can

[u/LinguisticallyInept]

As a gay guy the one i always warn about is homophobia

theres generally 3 types of homophobes (and 2 are red flags)

• closeted homophobes, the ones with repressed homosexual tendencies that are trying to convince themselves that 'im not gay, i hate the gays, theyre disgusting so im not gay right?'... and wives end up as an accessory to them whilst they cheat on her at a seedy sauna; sucking away her life to provide 'heterosexual proof' to society

• masquerading misogynists, this tends to have a specific presentation where they believe 'effeminate men' (sometimes specifically bottoms) are lesser.... and at the core of that is the idea that 'masculinity' is worth more than 'femininity'... so women beware because they will not respect you

• historical trauma, these are the ones that deserve empathy... a lot of the time people can have abusive encounters and either extrapolate that experience to all gay guys (ex; getting groped by a colleague; maybe the only gay guy they know) or have experienced childhood SA and conflated gays with pedos... the problem is; youre not going to be able to feel out for these ones without treading on really difficult subjects

[u/SyntheticOne]

Empathy for others.

[u/Immediate-Shock7533]

If they murder. I personally wouldn't trust a man if he murdered. 

[u/Coookie_Thumper]

If they push their chairs 🪑 in when they sit down or leave. Also shopping carts 🛒

[u/EMRaunikar]

It's a weird consistency that I keep wanting to disprove, but when someone says the words 'blah blah blah' when recounting an interaction, they end up behaving in a dishonorable way down the line. Don't know why, but it's become a quiet red flag that makes me watch more closely what I say and what I hear.

[u/Bonch_and_Clyde → u/EMRaunikar]

This was kind of a Seinfeld episode. George is dating a woman who used "yada, yada, yada" to gloss over stories, and when he investigates it ends up that she's using it to hide actual criminal behavior.

[u/elciteeve → u/EMRaunikar]

I think there are two ways to use this. The first is not caring about the other person so they can't be bothered to account their words or events. The other is a goal of brevity.

She was talking about her mom and blah blah blah so here we are

Vs

Sorry I'm late boss, the kids are sick and of course today the dog gets out of the house, then because I was late i got stuck at a train and blah blah blah so yeah, I'm here finally.

[u/palmchill → u/EMRaunikar]

“Blah blah blah” can be a mild and humorous self awareness - like I am rambling on and poking fun at myself.

On the other hand, it can be because someone is lying and they’re wishing to skip over things that do not add up or expose inconsistency

[u/Sullyville → u/palmchill]

Yeah, I think if you do it to yourself, it's self-deprecation, not wanting to waste someone else's time. It's only when you say blah blah blah about something someone else said that it becomes dismissive.

[u/SteadfastEnd → u/EMRaunikar]

I think its because saying "blah blah blah" is often a sign of a dismissive or contemptuous personality.

[u/CatoLiberius]

Gratitude or ingratitude. There is a very large Venn Diagram overlap between those who never express thanks for anything, and the kind of arrogant twit that thinks the world owes them anything they want on demand.

[u/fractiousrhubarb → u/CatoLiberius]

Gratitude is not just the greatest of virtues, it is the parent of all the others. -Cicero

It follows that entitlement is the parent of all the vices.

[u/WorldlyWillow3060]

Nothing brings out a 5,00-word philosophical thesis quite like asking Reddit to define morality based entirely on how a guy treats a shopping cart.

[u/bumpersnatch12]

How they treat people they aren't trying to get something from

Do they try and make everyone feel included or do they try and make themselves look better than everyone else?

[u/birefringent_turd]

When a good guy pokes fun at someone, he'll also follow up with some kind of invitation for others to poke fun at him, like sharing an embarrassing story about himself. In my experience, men who have trouble making fun of themselves, but find it easy to make fun of others, aren't generally great.

[u/dmac66]

When they cannot take responsibility for their actions and blame everyone else for it.

[u/17037]

Watch how they treat a person everyone else ignores. Not saying they go out of their way to engage with others, but normal interactions with odd people. Especially if he’s having a bad day… will he draw from the little energy he has to treat that person with respect.

[u/kolan67rg]

Often speaking ill about others

[u/sorvetdleit_batted]

Watch how he treats waitstaff or service workers.

[u/Fine-Gas-1898]

Whether or not they automatically launch into rage mode when surprised by something.

Someone unexpectedly honked at you? Rage! Unexpectedly need to tap on your brakes? Rage! Store doesn’t have the drill bit you wanted? Rage! Restaurant ran out of regular Coke and only has diet? Rage!

Etc., etc., etc. And it doesn’t matter if rage-mode only lasts a minute or even just seconds before he returns to normal. It’s still an awful sign. Moreover, for some weird reason, every guy I’ve known like that has repeatedly cheated on his girlfriend or wife.

[u/Sparrowhawk_92 → u/Fine-Gas-1898]

A lot of men are only taught to filter their emotions through the lens of anger because that's the only acceptable form of emotional expression.

Breaking that programming is a long term project.

[u/Straamannen → u/Fine-Gas-1898]

Rage isn't a function of being good or bad. 

That type of rage is typically a result of chronic stress and/or anxiety. Good men (and women) can be reduced to a raging mess.

[u/detectiverobert]

The way he talks about people who aren’t around

[u/morr_is166]

How he apologizes

[u/DingoAntman]

How he treats customer service 

[u/Best-Hyena-680]

There isn't one. Everyone is very different and subject to alot of change through time. There isn't one sign that is a shortcut to determining who is ultimately a good person or bad person. The signs you are talking about might be good indication for what that person is currently experiencing more deeply for themselves, but there are always deeper reasons for why someone might exhibit certain behaviors and appear a certain way. There are more obvious indicators as to whether or not someone might do someone else harm in a given stretch of time, and you probably know and can sense and pick up on those signs, but these aren't necessarily permanent traits either.

[u/ericscal]

Refusal to say sorry. If you don't understand that saying sorry isn't just for when you do something, ie "sorry you got cancer", I will safely assume you also think nothing is ever your fault.

[u/py234567]

Interrupting, dismissing, or refusing to admit they are wrong when presented with overwhelming evidence. One upping, can’t even try to talk about anything they aren’t interested in. Refusal or inability to read the room. Has never demonstrated doing something difficult for a good reason. Lack of evidence they care for anyone but themselves.

Taking up space without being considerate of others, overall lack of body awareness or care for others. Blocking doorways/exits or generally being in the way.

Bad hygiene, poor cleanliness of themself and their environment, and refusing to clean up after themselves.

Refusal to take accountability for their actions, always blaming others, disrespecting boundaries, talking bad about others unprompted, acting as if they can say whatever they want because their word doesn’t matter.

Everything I said goes for all people. It’s just that some things are more pronounced in the average man than average woman and vice versa

[u/DeadWest1884]

When every other sentence begins with “I’m not racist, but…”

[u/Z_T_O → u/DeadWest1884]

I’m not racist, but I think those pants are a really good fit on you

[u/spotsthefirst]

Integrity, if they lying over small shit, they lying about everything, and will do fucking gymnastics too cover their bases.

[u/CAugustusM]

Can they say “I made a mistake”? If everything is always someone else’s fault, it’s only a matter of time before something they’ve done is your fault too

[u/BigDanielRodeoMuffin]

If you can tell...when they are being fake nice to people.

or when they think they are funny by making someone else a punchline.

[u/Professional-Mud7298]

How calculated their good deeds are. Ive gotten weird feelings from seemingly good guys before and my gut is usually right that theres something off about them. I watched one closely for a while (we worked together) and noticed that hes constantly analyzing what he can say or do to get people to act or think the way he wants- none of it was genuine. Sure enough he wasnt a very good or kind person in the end and ive seen the behaviour in other guys that have me the same feeling. It was a really creepy thing to notice but im glad i did.