r/AskReddit • u/AuthorConfident9386 • 13h ago

Men, what’s one small, seemingly insignificant thing you’ve noticed that can be a telltale sign of the difference between a genuinely good man and a bad one?

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u/Fine-Gas-1898 13h ago

Whether or not they automatically launch into rage mode when surprised by something.

Someone unexpectedly honked at you? Rage! Unexpectedly need to tap on your brakes? Rage! Store doesn’t have the drill bit you wanted? Rage! Restaurant ran out of regular Coke and only has diet? Rage!

Etc., etc., etc. And it doesn’t matter if rage-mode only lasts a minute or even just seconds before he returns to normal. It’s still an awful sign. Moreover, for some weird reason, every guy I’ve known like that has repeatedly cheated on his girlfriend or wife.

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u/Sparrowhawk_92 12h ago

A lot of men are only taught to filter their emotions through the lens of anger because that's the only acceptable form of emotional expression.

Breaking that programming is a long term project.

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u/Straamannen 11h ago

Rage isn't a function of being good or bad. 

That type of rage is typically a result of chronic stress and/or anxiety. Good men (and women) can be reduced to a raging mess.

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u/Gloria_In_Autumn 12h ago

I recognize myself in this negative trait, even if I am generally calm in most intense situations or am outwardly calm.

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u/sf_davie 12h ago

Cars coming in and out of my lane without signaling. Rage. Cyclists who run red lights and stop signs like none of applies to them. Rage. Guy who drives 40mph entering the freeway because he's exiting on the next exist. Rage. I'm a bad man.

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u/banksy_h8r 12h ago

Learn to let it go, you'll drive safer for yourself and everyone else, and be happier.

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u/TurboGranny 7h ago

I have autism, and I feel this constantly, and attempt to restrain it. It was explained to me in therapy that your mind has patterns of behavior that setup, and when you are in an autopilot like state and it's disrupted by something unexpected, anger is often the default. You have to expend energy to wrestle that emotion down and force your brain to jump into "thinking mode". Being exhausted, overstimulated, hungry, etc. can all deprive you of the energy required to do so. While there is a difference between rage and anger, rage is just more anger. Unless, you are talking about that anger turning into violence. That's a choice.

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u/Fine-Gas-1898 6h ago

This is a very decent point. What I wrote assumes someone is neurotypical and not otherwise under the influence of drugs, any amount of alcohol, severe emotional distress, temporary depression, etc. In other words, I agree that there are extenuating circumstances that can explain a tendency toward rage over unexpected occurrences.

In general, however, I’ve found that when rage is the go-to reaction to encountering a surprise, and that reaction persists over time despite temporary circumstances, that’s a giant red flag. Further, I’ve noticed these men cheating repeatedly on their partners.

When someone is not “neurotypical,” however, this might not be correct or apply at all.

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u/TurboGranny 4h ago

I think the tell on the red flag is when someone points it out, and they deny/deflect/project/etc. Versus actually saying, "yes, this is a problem. I'm getting help/working on it." You can't fix problems without acknowledging them, and a lot of people refuse to acknowledge behaviors that are problems. For me it was deficiency in B12, magnesium, and zinc that were contributing the most. Once I got my nutrition right, the reaction was less severe and much easier to control. Granted, I never let it progress to physical action. It was just the feeling, racing thoughts, and sometimes shouting (mostly at my own mind).