r/AskReddit • u/AuthorConfident9386 • 13h ago

Men, what’s one small, seemingly insignificant thing you’ve noticed that can be a telltale sign of the difference between a genuinely good man and a bad one?

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431

u/Rook2Rook 13h ago

He doesn't switch his personality up suddenly when women come around

178

u/Green_Field113 12h ago

The amount of men who change into a completely different person when they're around women is insane.

87

u/Slice5755 12h ago edited 12h ago

Exactly. All of a sudden everything becomes a competition and trying to see who is the most "macho".

Edit: Just about a month ago, we had a lady move into our previously all male department of 8 men. We had great banter and made jokes about each other, you know in a friendly way as we were all quite close.

As soon as the lady joined, things changed. I just made a joke about one of my colleagues getting a flat tyre and driving 7 miles because he forgot his car jack at home. Tame soft joke, nothing too serious or personal.

The guy literally calls me a dick in front of everyone and then room falls silent. Keep in mind, we've made jokes about even more personal stuff in the past. Afterwards he also sends me a Teams message saying that my joke was out of line. I asked him why and he said basically we don't want to create a bad impression in front of our new colleague (referring to the lady) meanwhile, while we've both been working here, there's been about 12 new male colleagues and making jokes in front of them was never an issue for him until now.

55

u/hearke 11h ago

If only he understood, having thick skin and being able to brush off embarassing moments is much more appealing to women than being easily offended and upset.

1

u/Sushisource 3h ago

I read "department" as "apartment" at first, and when you said he messaged you on Teams I was thinking "what absolute psychopaths use Teams for their friendly group chat?".

1

u/bbusiello 5h ago

Because men are afraid women will laugh at them... women are afraid that men will kill them.

I've been laughed at before... I'm still alive, guys. It's just that easy.

-10

u/PlacatedPlatypus 11h ago

Lol you must be around different men than me. I am in a very left-wing area and it is incredible how sexist the majority of leftist men are when women aren't around. They're super respectful and kind to women when they're present to a coddling degree. But then as soon as it's just the boys around they complain about how ill-tempered, unreasonable, manipulative, and immature women are.

And the more charming and successful they are with women, the more hateful they are towards them when it's just the dudes.

4

u/SuperSpecialAwesome- 7h ago

I am in a very left-wing area and it is incredible how sexist the majority of leftist men are when women aren't around.

Damn, you'd hate to see how sexist this guy Donnie is then, as not only does he mock women in his presidential speeches, but he "grabs 'em by the pussy". Love how you clutch your pearls about your made-up bullshit, when your right-wing leaders rape women.

-4

u/PlacatedPlatypus 7h ago

I'm a liberal, brother. Wouldn't call myself a leftist but definitely not a trumper.

You, on the other hand, sound like a hit dog hollering.

1

u/PlsDntPMme 6h ago

See a I know both people like that. Dudes who get a bit much when it’s just the boys and dudes who aren’t like that at all. It just depends on the people. Fake people suck though

3

u/No_Adhesiveness_4671 11h ago

men have hormones too

1

u/TheOnlyToasty 1h ago

I have a coworker like this, and as delivery workers it happens constantly. I don't care who pops up around me, I just wanna go home. 

6

u/cant_stand 10h ago

Absolutely hate that. My old friends would do a 180 if a woman we didn't know joined the table.

All of a sudden the usual friendly piss take would be picking on no go insecurities, learned over decades if friendship. Like, genuinely vicious stuff.

19

u/joepanda111 12h ago

“BARK! BARK! BARK! Oh bolly, it appears the classy lady has departed from our vicinity. Let us continue our gentlemen’s brunch of tea, scones and mmmmmarmalade jam!”

10

u/Enough-Breadfruit492 12h ago

I don't talk to my mother, sisters, nieces, etc the way i talk to my boys in chat or irl.

Toxic or some other reddit therapy speak word? Sure i guess. But i treat the women in my life with a little more gentleness literally because they are women.

8

u/PlacatedPlatypus 10h ago

Most men treat women "with kid gloves", for lack of better description, but the fantasy that they don't is central to maintaining the illusion of gender equality.

3

u/EmpatheticSocialist 10h ago

Lmao women are people, bud.

4

u/Enough-Breadfruit492 10h ago

Sorry, I'm really not trying to argue but could you link me a source for your claim?

Its just a bit outlandish sounding.

13

u/WileEPeyote 11h ago

It's not only Reddit. Perhaps it gives you comfort to think that, but this behavior is central to the idea of toxic masculinity. This idea gained prominence in the 80s/90s. The internet barely existed.

When it reached the general public it turned into "everything masculine is bad" (this is the pop-psysch/Reddit understanding) what it really means is holding men to an unrealistic "manly" standard, making men who don't fit that standard feel inadequate and stigmatized.

10

u/Wantitneeditgetit 12h ago

Well intentioned but still sexist.

Idk man, my sister's and nieces were raised to handle shit. You can treat them like adults.

4

u/gammelrunken 12h ago

You'll never hear me talk shit about women, with or without them in the room. 

But I'm not going to start making crude maturation jokes with my sisters and nieces and I'm sure as hell not sexist for it. 

-7

u/Wantitneeditgetit 12h ago

I mean, would you do that with your brothers or dads? Gross man.

5

u/gammelrunken 12h ago

With my brothers? Absolutely. With most of my male friends. But with none of my female friends. 

-7

u/Wantitneeditgetit 12h ago

Sad bro. My friend Jenelle told me the best dirty joke ever.

Why don't you see many Lesbian boxers?

Because most of them think you make a fist like this

2

u/gammelrunken 11h ago

You know what? I think you actually understand what I'm saying, and that you're purposefully pretending to not get the point in an effort to save face. Just own up to it man. This is just silly. 

1

u/Enough-Breadfruit492 12h ago

They are strong and with the exception of my nieces, i do treat them as adults. But they largely struggle to open fresh jars of jam, salsa or mayo, and seemingly share an unwillingness to confront spiders and other insects in home.

I am more than happy to support them in those areas.

0

u/Wantitneeditgetit 12h ago

Oh well yeah that's reasonable then. Biology is what it is and testosterone is a hell of a drug, let alone generally size and joint articulation.

I thought you meant like, not cussing around them or talking about politics etc, or refusing to criticize bad behavior.

My niece's are 1000 percent into spiders and bugs tho.

1

u/Enough-Breadfruit492 12h ago

I actually do nerf my speech around them. Especially my mother.

I aint getting soap put in my mouth at 36 lol.

1

u/Wantitneeditgetit 12h ago

Nothing wrong with respecting your parents, but this implies your dad doesn't hold you to very high standards

I don't cuss around either of my parents, but me and my sisters swear a ton around each other. We grew up together buds, we've gone through enough shit.

2

u/Enough-Breadfruit492 11h ago

Sorry my dad is defenitely included. But so are my aunts and uncles by extension.

Me and my siblings are really close but i still treat them more gently than the boys. Its practically instinct.

2

u/CivilTell8 12h ago

So you don't want them treated with respect because guys arent? Are you stupid?

5

u/Wantitneeditgetit 12h ago

Why don't you treat the men in your life with respect? Are you like the other guy who responded, talking about gross sex jokes with your brothers/dad's?

0

u/CivilTell8 11h ago

Jfc youre too soft to take seriously if youre this triggered over jokes between friends. Go clutch pearls elsewhere grandma. You'd love to live in China with all their personal monitoring and censorship.

-2

u/hearke 11h ago

I get this, it's not out of sexism, but acknowledgement that they're going to encounter a lot of hardship out in the world that we wouldn't.

Like you can't make up for all the disrespect they'll encounter out there, but you can at least give them an environment that's a little more chill. They should be able to relax around family, right.

1

u/Draw-on-the-walls 10h ago

Nah this could be neutral

1

u/Fading_Redeemer 8h ago

I know a guy who is ULTRA aggressive with the attention bombing with a new lady in our common circle. He has a Meetup group I think he maintains only to meet women.

1

u/SuperSpecialAwesome- 7h ago

In my case, I've just always found it easier/more comfortable conversing with women than other guys. Maybe a bit of it comes from being divergent, but I've always been more emotional than logical in thinking, which has led to its own problems. I was a really shitty person to girls in high school, so it took a while to mature and develop empathy for others around me... but even so, my best friend back then was a girl, and the closest people in my life have always been women. I never opened up to other guys until this year, as it's usually always surface-level conversations, when I'm more interested in deeper and meaningful connections.

The point is: at workplaces, I'm more apt to talking to women vs. other guys, because I find the conversations to be more interesting and cathartic. One male coworker did call me out for not being "masculine" enough and said I shouldn't be so emotional around women, because they respect a tougher guy. I didn't like that line of thinking, as two female coworkers at my current workplace have allowed me to be more vulnerable and open than I have ever been with anyone, even my exes. I don't really see the issue with a guy showing emotions and being transparent about their mental struggles with women. If they're going to judge me for unresolved trauma and curiosity, then that says more about that person than it does about me... but is not representational of all women.

That said, there have been a few guys here I have opened up to, even going as far as discussing therapy with them. I've noticed those specific people are about the same personality-wise around both women and men. But... I'm not fond of sexual jokes or conversations anyway, so if it does turn to that, I'm usually out to talk to other people. But... the women/emotional men sentiment is a view I've heard from a few male coworkers, and that sucks. Personally, I don't like badmouthing people behind their backs, so I tend to compliment/praise the people I really like even when they're not around. I don't like when people shit on me, so why would I do the same?