r/AskReddit • u/AuthorConfident9386 • 13h ago

Men, what’s one small, seemingly insignificant thing you’ve noticed that can be a telltale sign of the difference between a genuinely good man and a bad one?

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838

u/bbcahs 13h ago

Men who speak negatively about their wives are usually jerks.

78

u/disgruntled-capybara 11h ago

I had a female friend in college who I met for dinner about 10 years after graduation while I happened to be passing through her town. She'd gotten married three weeks previously and had not one good thing to say about her husband. The basic gist of her comments was, "He's sweet, but dumb." I remember thinking if you're three weeks into your marriage and you can't say anything good about the guy, it probably doesn't bode well for your relationship. And why did you marry him to begin with if you don't even like him at a base level?

No shocker when, three years later, she happened to be passing through my area, we had dinner and she told me they'd gotten divorced. It was so bad that he just signed a quit claim deed on their house and walked away. I never saw them interact, but it had to have been unpleasant for someone to do that.

34

u/The_Onion_Life 6h ago

"He's sweet, but dumb."

If she was willing to say that to you, imagine how badly she treated him.

It was so bad that he just signed a quit claim deed on their house and walked away.

I don't blame him. I'm glad he escaped!

Women can be abusive jerks too!

2

u/SuperSpecialAwesome- 7h ago

Pretty much how it was for a coworker when I first started at my current workplace this year. She had just gotten married last year, but didn't really have any positives to say about their marriage. A bunch of stuff has happened in between then and now... so months later, she's still working on getting the divorce through, has moved out, found a better relationship, and is a lot happier. I really value that coworker-now-friend, because she's listened to me vent all summer long about my own struggles. Suffice to say, the marriage was really unhealthy for her, but I've been following along her journey as she determines a better future for herself. I don't know her new boyfriend, but I trust in her to choose someone who makes her life better.

150

u/Kaktusblute 12h ago

I know a guy like that. He actually thinks what he says about her is funny but it makes him look like an idiot.

36

u/nyurf_nyorf 12h ago

I talk shit about my wife with my friends because it's a safe space to vent and humor is how I cope with all sorts of things. Not every relationship problem rises to the level of having a hour long heart to heart sit down. Sometimes I just want to bitch about the inconsequential and annoying. 

I hope she does the same.

30

u/Frumpy_little_noodle 11h ago

If the answer to "Would I say this if she were here right now?" is "Yes", then go for it. If it's "No", is it "No, because it would start a fight", "No, because its really fucking mean", or "No, because she would clap back and I don't want to get called out in front of everyone"?

29

u/ShallowBasketcase 11h ago

It's one thing to have friends to talk to about the ups and downs of your relationship, and a completely different thing to just be the "my bitch wife" guy.

28

u/tobygeneral 12h ago

It sounds like you have self-awareness about it though and are at least a little tongue-in-cheek. Me and my friends do the same, the joke really being we love our wives very much and know how good we have it. Unfortunately there are plenty of irl dudes who think being a good husband is acting like Al Bundy towards their wives.

2

u/stonymessenger 10h ago

I think you probably have a good concept of the difference of being annoyed and being angry. Everybody needs vent space. Not only does it let off steam, but sometimes by venting you can realize what the real problem was and can move to correct it in the future.

4

u/AdventurousLevel9417 11h ago

Most people don't have integrity and would talk shit about others to vent. 

It's cowardice, and it's common. 

15

u/Diz7 11h ago

Depends on the dynamics.

My friend with the happiest marriage and his wife are always arguing about the dumbest shit and insulting/talking shit about each other.

But they both know it's dumb shit and the insults are just jokes. When it's something that matters they can be serious and work things out like adults. Then it's back to childish games...

10

u/MetsukiR 10h ago

I sometimes wonder if these types of dudes do that to feel more "manly". It's so fucking stupid, makes me not want to interact with them as much as possible.

6

u/Top_Being3351 10h ago

Would you say women who speak negatively about their husbands are usually jerks?

12

u/sysiphean 8h ago

Yes.

And for that matter, women who speak negatively about their wives, men who speak negatively about their husbands, NBs who speak negatively about their polycule…

Being a jerk can occur in any gender.

2

u/K1ll3rp0ps1cl3 9h ago

"thats just how marriage is bro, you wouldn't understand"

2

u/thepineapple2397 5h ago

Similarly how they speak about exes. Its more likely that 3 people dated the same psycho than it is for someone to date 3 psychos

2

u/RaiderDamus 7h ago

This is true. I don't even talk negatively about my ex-wife, let alone my current wife.

1

u/entrepenurious 3h ago

i worked with a crass old fart who said of his wife of 50 years: "when we first got together it looked like a fuzzy little peach; now it looks like a cow pie with a wagon rut through it."

1

u/beardum 11h ago

I talk shit about my wife to her face too. She usually just laughs and calls me an asshole. I think this one requires a bit of context.

0

u/xlouiex 12h ago

What about those that speak negatively about themselves in conversations about their wives?
Asking for a friend..

3

u/justmytak 12h ago

I hope that friend also talks to their wife about those negative thoughts.

0

u/IAMA_MOTHER_AMA 12h ago

Yeah Al Bundy did it and it was funny sure but the dudes I know that do it it’s cringe and agressive and not the least but hilarious

8

u/BigCelebration13 12h ago

Al Bundy was a known loser being played for comedic effect.

3

u/spudmarsupial 12h ago

The whole thing about that show is that they are all trash.

-1

u/JoshFreemansFro 12h ago

lol zero media literacy

-3

u/The_Dude_1969 12h ago

Can confirm. 🙋‍♂️

-25

u/iknowimsorry 12h ago

Usually these men are 'tiny' and/or closet gay.

12

u/ShallowBasketcase 11h ago

Yeah the real problem with the way men treat their wives in heterosexual marriages is The Gays. That sure sounds reasonable and not weird at all.

6

u/unwarrend 12h ago

These types of men have issues for sure, and will often evince attitudes of toxic masculinity; such as using homosexuality and penis size to emasculate and denigrate. I would argue that whatever their disposition, it shouldn't be reduced to those attributes - ever.

-2

u/iknowimsorry 11h ago

Oh, wow, I didn't even realize that what I said might apply to appendage size. I didn't even consider it lol

I meant Tiny like their ego is so small and fragile it could be called tiny.

4

u/unwarrend 11h ago

Fair. The problem is that blanket insults prevents us from seeing them as complex humans with a history. My ex has doubtless complained about me. She's also probably said things that were both egregiously biased and legitimately true. We were not temperamentally suited to one another. The worst I can say is that she lacked discretion, and needed 3rd party evaluation to help her realize it.

1

u/iknowimsorry 10h ago

I hear what you're saying. I do feel insults have a time and place where they can get a point across quickly, without a drawn-out explanation.

I think you can and should air out grievances with your friends about your SO, on the condition that you've already spoken about it with your SO.