r/AskReddit • u/AuthorConfident9386 • 13h ago

Men, what’s one small, seemingly insignificant thing you’ve noticed that can be a telltale sign of the difference between a genuinely good man and a bad one?

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u/s0ulfire 12h ago

Ability to admit one’s mistake

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u/Ashendarei 11h ago

I'm going to second this, and build on it by saying it's a good indicator of a properly checked ego.  When I was younger (teenager / early adult) I needed to one-up or get the last word in.  It was the cry of a deeply insecure youth that didnt know his place in the world and struggled for relevance.  It took my high school girlfriend telling me "you know its annoying as shit when you do that" for me to recognize it, then years of developing myself as a person to understand it.  

Not saying that my experience is universal by any means, but one of the big things I assess everyone I meet by is if they are ruled by their egos.

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u/ItsTime1234 3h ago

You learned that as a teen?! Wow!!

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u/Any-Confection4563 1h ago

Real maturity begins the moment you realize getting the last word usually just proves how fragile your ego actually is.

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u/CallMeKik 4h ago

It took you years!? it only took me a few months

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u/bolerobell 2h ago

Satire is dead. I thought it was funny, CallMeKik.

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u/HavocReigns 3h ago

You say you learned it, and yet you’re still the way you are.

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u/Kizik 23m ago

They also learned satire in those few months, and yet you're still the way you are.

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u/HermitDefenestration 58m ago

Months? I got over the need to one-up in a few measly days!

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u/Status_Sundae_793 3h ago

everyone's different

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u/BunnyPhuPhu 8h ago

This goes with your comment.

... and they NEVER apologize when they've done something or said something mean or rude.

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u/MatchaBauble 10h ago

And then also deal with it in a constructive way, instead of wallowing in self-hatred.

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u/pixelprophet 6h ago

Hey hey hey - one step at a time.

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u/NCR_High-Roller 5h ago

Wallowing in self-hatred doesn't exclude you from being a good man. It just means you have issues.

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u/AmIReallyDoingThis34 2h ago

I disagree.

Constructively addressing the mistake is when you focus on the harm you caused and try to fix it. Wallowing in self-hatred after you admit you made a mistake means you remain completely self-focused, showing zero consideration and zero effort towards the person you harmed. That's a bad person! Whether you're naturally self-obsessed or whether using self-obsession as a deliberate tactic to avoid effort, you're a bad person either way.

It gets one step worse when people wallow in self hatred loudly, in front of the person they have hurt. It's a way to elicit sympathy and reassurance from their victim. Woe is me, I am a horrible person, I don't deserve you, I don't deserve anything good, blah blah blah. Suddenly the victim is being put in a position of having to comfort the aggressor. Again it doesn't matter whether this is unconscious or deliberate, people who do this are bad human beings either way.

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u/blackjebus100 2h ago

You can wallow in self hatred silently without indicating it, and the whole premise of your statement is that that isn’t the case, but it’s entirely possible.

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u/plaxitone 1h ago

There are plenty of men out there wallowing in self hatred who you’d think were great guys because they don’t take it out on you.

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u/SweatyExamination9 4h ago

Being a good man isn't just about being morally good. Just like being a good woman isn't just about being morally good. If it was, nice guys and nice girls wouldn't have their own dedicated subreddits. Part of being a good person is being the best person you can be. That means dealing with your issues. If you wallow in self hatred, you are not a good man/woman. You don't uplift the people around you, you tear them down every time you tear yourself down.

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u/NCR_High-Roller 4h ago

That's a very narrow view of good. People are allowed to have struggles bro.

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u/brednbatter 1h ago

Your reply is proof that you are incorrect. It hasnt lifted anyone up. Therefore, by your definition, its proof you're not a good person, highlighting you cannot tell us what a good person is.

Alternatively, I choose to view your reply as a misunderstanding, which is fine. But a person doesn't have to be so strong they lift those around them to be a good person. Sometimes, trying to lift yourself is the best someone can do. So, please try and be more kind to those around you that are good people and struggling.

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u/plaxitone 1h ago

You are thinking of those who project their feelings towards themselves onto others. I’m positive you’ve known and loved and thought highly of someone who was secretly wallowing in self hatred.

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u/HonestDisguise 2h ago

Nice guys and nice girls have their own subreddits because playing that role is inherently dishonest. They pretend to be what they are not to manipulate others. They aren’t moral.

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u/ThrowingShaed 1h ago

yeah i could see elements of me having at times maybe issues being wrong at points in my life, but a lot of constant apologizing as a child, even when i knew i wasnt.. the one viewed or otherwise at fault. theres probably still degrees of cycles where things are better or worse and im not my best person, but wallowing in self hatred is a pretty easy one to fall into. the thing is now i sometimes do it over the tiniest things when im tired. like actual waste of crumbs because i dont like waste, but though im a lot better i take it too far...maybe i guess what i do now is lean too heavily to make jokes at myself when i do it, while still on levels scoring myself maybe... only demerits from a perfect score or something, not even comparing to something reasonable at times still... just in sillier ways

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u/zakarr-376 9h ago

THIS. reveals so much - whether ego or accountability wins out when nohting's forcing admission

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u/Waub 7h ago

Absolutely.
I worked for 40 years with a guy who never once apologised for anything he did wrong. In fact, he never admitted to being wrong.
I'm sad to say it took way longer than it should have for me to realise he was a dick of the highest caliber.

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u/Thedarb 6h ago

40 years‽
I’m bored of a role after 18 months and over the area and people in after a few years. 40 years is crazy.

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u/Inevitable-Way-8535 6h ago

That's niether small or insignificant

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u/PM_ME_BITCOIN_TIPS 6h ago

heh. lost a friend..."friend" because of this. He assaulted a woman while we were in line to pay our tab. I told him wtf is his deal, he just lied completely about what he was doing and pretended like that shit didnt even happen. The woman's BF wasn't there but he showed up from the bathroom like 30 seconds later and the lady didn't say anything, I looked at my friend to say apologize or admit he fucked up. He went full "look away dog eyes" guilt mode. I told him afterwards that wasn't cool at all and he still kept lying about what he was doing (he is a habitual liar) and told him I'm done hanging out with him for the night and I'm gonna go home.

He then accused me to taking money that he sent for me so we can hang out for the night. Then I reminded him that he asked for money form me at least 3-4 different occasionsin the last few years and he promised to pay me back and never did. He stared right at me in the eyes and say "no i did not!".

I literally have the venmo receipts and texts. Anyways, I blouse out and I get several texts later saying how much my coworkers from 15 years ago hated me and that I was on coke or something. I sent him screenshots of the venmo payments and he then threatened to "use his leverage" to make sure my kids would be eating from government programs or some shit.

I dunno. It was years ago. He told me to not text him ever again and I just blocked him and moved on.

And by moved on, I mean be bummed out for a few months since I kinda thought he was just being "him" since he wasn't being serious at all. I misread that. I still think about it from time to time, it wasn't the first instance of his ass-hatery.

If I do see him again, I don't know how I will feel. Either punch him clean in the face for threatening my family and all the bullshit he is has put me through and for those around him or giving him a hug and acknowledging nothing.

I'd be lying if I said I'm the bigger man. I really don't know. Prior to that moment I've spent about 2 years just being angry at life and getting into situations that were due to me misreading the room even though I thought I was in the right. And that latest instance was the first time in a long time that I felt proud of how I handled a situation, despite that the situation happened itself.

But how I feel still is what makes me unsure of if I've actually grown.

I dunno, sorry for the rambling. But your response rings true. But I can't totally absolve myself from this 100%.

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u/Only_Instance4441 3h ago

Being able to say “I was wrong” says so much about a person. Nobody gets everything right, but owning it shows real maturity.

4

u/p_mark-13 7h ago

The real tell is what happens after he admits it: does he try to repair the harm and change, or make you comfort him for feeling bad?

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u/uncensrdmind 31m ago

One small thing: how he reacts when someone else is speaking. A genuinely good man doesn’t always have to be the loudest person in the room or have something to add. Sometimes he can just sit back, listen, and let someone else have the floor.

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u/pfcguy 10h ago

It's the sympathy play:

After listening for almost twenty-five years to the stories my patients tell me about sociopaths who have invaded and injured their lives, when I am asked, “How can I tell whom not to trust?” the answer I give usually surprises people. The natural expectation is that I will describe some sinister-sounding detail of behavior or snippet of body language or threatening use of language that is the subtle giveaway. Instead, I take people aback by assuring them that the tip-off is none of these things, for none of these things is reliably present. Rather, the best clue is, of all things, the pity play. The most reliable sign, the most universal behavior of unscrupulous people is not directed, as one might imagine, at our fearfulness. It is, perversely, an appeal to our sympathy.

  • Martha Stout, "The Sociopath Next Door"

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u/MythrianAlpha 1h ago

I borrowed that book from a teacher during high school and enjoyed it; I hadn't run across any mention of the "lower-functioning"/poor styles of sociopathy before then, just the "high-functioning" corpo version.

1

u/cleverprophet 9h ago

small on paper, massive in practice

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u/CompleteNumpty 6h ago

On a similar note, anyone can be frustrated and be a bit of an ass if there's sufficient stress going on in their lives.

A good person will apologise for it and admit it was out of line, even if they are having the worst day of their life, while a bad one will either not apologise at all or issue a faux apology with layer upon layer of excuses.

1

u/jnkangel 6h ago

Not a dude but to me the this requires an extra qualifier. 

  • able to admit a mistake when they get no benefit from it 

1

u/Emperor-Universe 6h ago

I always admit my inability to do nothing without mistakes, does this make me a saint?

1

u/Slight_Beach_641 5h ago

If I ever made a mistake, I'd be the first to admit it!

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u/Pure_Direction8428 5h ago

Basically pride, right?

1

u/goodfellaslxa 5h ago

You mean... your mistake.

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u/Repulsive-Web4556 2h ago

Concordo, mas tem mais coisas no meio.

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u/JayGatsby1881 2h ago

How can I admit a mistake if I simply never make one?

1

u/Fake_Opinions69 1h ago

This goes for quite literally every human being on the planet

This has nothing to do with being a Man or a Women. This is just how you be a good HUMAN. Why do these stupid questions always have gender attached to it?

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u/Patient_Tradition368 42m ago

Yep. Literally just ended a 4+ year extremely close friendship with a man who couldn't admit he had caused me emotional harm on upwards of 4 occasions. Just say you're fucking sorry, bro. It shouldn't be that hard.

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u/zurdopilot 13m ago

This goes both ways

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u/danielefiore4 8h ago

The real tell is what comes after “I was wrong”: does he make it right and change the pattern, or just apologize until the heat dies down?