r/PoursTea • u/Timbucktwo1230 🫖 Mod ☕️ • 13h ago

FeministTea👩🏻‍🎓👩🏿‍⚖️👠🥾 Regrets And Perspectives

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u/Dddddd92 13h ago

Having children and a family and sometimes even a partner means sacrificing somethings and making choices. The mother wants the daughter the choose better than she did. She is completely valid in her perspective

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u/Salt-Lingonberry-853 10h ago

OK, but what the wife said is still incredibly toxic and I cannot fathom why this sub is so reluctant to call that out. It's literally blatant. She didn't sacrifice for her husband, she sacrificed for herself and her family.

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u/Separate-Taste3513 9h ago

But she sacrificed. What did her husband sacrifice? Did her labor allow him to pursue his career without focusing equal attention and energy to his home and children?

It's toxic because it's hurtful, right? She was hurt by those circumstances and lost opportunities while he was allowed to pursue his goals. What did he do to help her achieve HER goals?

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u/Free-Mongoose-1983 9h ago

Maybe she should have communicated with her husband and stopped having more kids or not had kids at all. Abortions and birth control exist. This was completely avoidable but she chose to not say anything and harbor resentment for something he didn't intend to do for 20 years.

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u/HaYuFlyDisTang 9h ago

He sacrificed spending time with his family to support his family financially.

She sacrificed supporting her family financially to spend time with her family.

Both sacrificed something, and both provided for their family.

One apparently resents the deal and values a missed opportunity at a career more than spending time with the family they chose to have and also having a partner willing to sacrifice time with their family to make it all possible financially.

Family is everything. Work is a means to that end.

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u/gobby94 8h ago

You should talk to someone…

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u/Separate-Taste3513 8h ago

Maybe you should. Like, your mom. Or your grandma. Or your aunt. Or any of the women in the generation before you.

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u/gobby94 8h ago

I have! My grandma had a fantastic career. She had to retire early because of heart problems. But even on her deathbed she said she never felt she sacrificed or missed out on anything in her life, with the exception of her health (diet related).
My mom, not so much - but nothing to do with giving anything up for children.
You should try talking to any human being, but I challenge you to do it in person :-) good luck, think you’ll need it!

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u/Magnon 7h ago

At least based on the context we have here she was never forbidden from pursuing nursing or what ever, she never brought up that she'd like to return to it. How would he know going back to nursing was still a significant goal for her if she never talked about it?

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u/Salt-Lingonberry-853 7h ago

No one is disputing that being a stay at home mom has downstream effects, don't deflect the conversation. She is blaming the husband for JOINT decisions that she took part in.

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u/Specific_Box4483 6h ago

I don't know about this AI family's situation, but for most men, working long hours isn't a dream life either. Perhaps he would have enjoyed life a bit more if he had to spent less time at work, and more time with the children, and she would have done the same.

As for "what did he do to help her achieve HER goals", it's not his fault she didn't explain what her goals actually were. She was acting against her own goals by withholding communication, and possibly having more children than was feasible for her own goals. And now she blames her husband.

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u/AnonymousTHX-1138 5h ago

Why do people like you depict "a career" as some amazing wonderful benefit, instead of the burdensome responsibility it is? The blatant mischaracterization of a man's life so that you can character assassinate him is just despicable.

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u/Putrid-Enthusiasm190 11h ago

Except the part where she blames the husband for her own choices. She's valid in mourning her own choices in life, but goes over the line making it sound like he manipulated her into it

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u/Lumpy-Scratch-8363 12h ago

wow. See I didn’t feel like I had any choices. I grew up poor and felt I had to fill the void. True feminism isn’t about men having shit choices, it’s about women being empowered to having the kind of life that they’ve earned. It’s not some Charlie Kirk BS turned on its head, but rooted in fairness and empowerment. If I were a woman, you bet I would be a feminist. But a true partnership doesn’t mean someone gets screwed.

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u/Waffle_Slaps 12h ago

You don't have to be a female to be a feminist.

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u/Lumpy-Scratch-8363 12h ago

I already said that. I am a feminist. I said if I were a woman, I’d be a feminist. Honestly I have a hard time respecting anyone who doesn’t stand up for themselves.

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u/babs1376 9h ago

A lot of women are socialized to not speak up to men, especially in Christian and conservative communities.

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u/Radekin-36 11h ago

Not completely valid. She essentially says she dropped vague hints and never outright expressed her concerns. You know, like a mature adult should absolutely do.

Then after 2 decades suddenly finds a voice to deliver a condescending narrative in front of her daughter that tears down the dad?

No way that's completely valid.

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u/Solid_Mud2025 10h ago edited 9h ago

It’s not her actual side of the story, or her words or actions though. Only his interpretation of what she said and did.

The perspective given is from a man who is being upfront that he has misunderstood and misinterpreted the actions of his wife in the past, and therefore, he is telling us that he isn’t a reliable narrator regarding what she says and does.

The irony is the point of the AI prompt. It presumes bias runs so deep that readers will still jump to assume that what he says is objectively true, and will still jump to assume that his interpretation reflects her point of view without giving any notice or consideration to the fact that he’s speaking for her, even in circumstances when he admits to the reader that he’s not a reliable narrator.

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u/Electronic-Smile-457 13h ago

This! She wants her daughter to secure her personal choices before getting to the other phase in her life. It doesn't mean she regrets her children. All these posters try to not hear what the mother is saying.

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u/Time-Weekend-8611 12h ago

The word she used as "mistake."

Sure sounds like regret.

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u/[deleted] 12h ago

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u/Time-Weekend-8611 12h ago

She makes it sound like its her husband's fault.

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u/Accomplished_Self939 11h ago

It is the husband’s fault that her sacrifice was invisible to him.

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u/Time-Weekend-8611 11h ago

Her husband was literally bringing in the income for the entire family. She certainly didn't seem to appreciate that.

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u/what-fresh-hells 11h ago

You think someone sacrificing their own career dreams, birthing your children, and caring for your home so that you can focus on your career signals that they do not appreciate you or your career?

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u/Time-Weekend-8611 11h ago

birthing your children, and caring for your home

Interesting choice of words. Weren't they her children? Wasn't it her home?

Her husband brought home the bacon for twenty years and never expected any special kind of gratitude because he accepted those responsibilities according to their mutually agreed upon division of labor.

He wasn't the one crying about how he was forced to work a job because his wife stay at home status made it impossible to quit.

If the wife wanted to return to the workforce she could have done so at any time. She didn't have to carry three children to term. She didn't have to be a stay at home mom. Nobody was holding a gun to her head.

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u/what-fresh-hells 11h ago

It's almost like you didn't read the post or perhaps you are simply entirely unable to put yourself in the perspective of this woman.

Your rebuttal once again fails to hear her actual argument, to acknowledge her sacrifice and contribution, and ignores entirely that the way their family system was organized did not support her goals or autonomy. It was never as simple as if she wanted to, she could have. She didn't because she allowed him to, and he never made supporting her doing so a priority. THAT is what she is communicating to her daughter. For young women not to fall into the trap of sacrificing your goals, needs, and wants for someone else, who has not demonstrated a willingness to also prioritize yours.

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u/Street_Estate2342 11h ago

Apparently not, because they literally called doing that a mistake.

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u/what-fresh-hells 11h ago

She called sacrificing her dreams for his at a time when she could have chosen herself a mistake. It does not follow that she then believes every subsequent decision to have been a mistake or that she cannot appreciate his work or contributions to their family. She obviously does, given she literally enabled it with her sacrifices. She is encouraging her daughter to choose herself. She believes that her daughter can have love and a family AND her own dreams and goals. I dont think that idea is offensive.

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u/stickyfantastic 7h ago

You're assuming "focus on your career" is only a positive thing.

Also it sounds like she didn't choose a man over school, she chose a child over school lol

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u/TacosAreLife007 12h ago

She has the right to have regrets. She does not have the right to accuse her husband to be the sole reason why the very thing she regrets took place. She is an adult woman who got pregnant not once, but twice. She clearly wanted to have kids. To make her husband the reason she could not become a nurse AND attack him in front of the children is toxic and betrayal.

She should blame herself for her regret. Nobody forced her into parenthood.

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u/complexdevoid 11h ago

That wasn't an attack by the texts description. The mother clearly stated something she feels and experienced. Something she doesn't want her daughter to go through. The context was relevant to it's disclosure. The fact that it makes Dad uncomfortable and he feels blindsided is telling given the rest of the conversation.

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u/TacosAreLife007 11h ago

Maybe she didn't intent it as an attack, but it sure is one. An attack on trust. What she said is no different than telling her kids that she regrets starting a family with their father and having them. That her husband and them (the kids) are the reason why she couldn't fulfill her career goals.

I believe most people will consider this to be an attack. An attack on the trust they build and their view on the relationship.

You can guide your kids with advice without throwing your partner under the bus. I've received much advice from my parents. Not once did they claim the other is the catalyst for things they did not reach in life.

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u/Electronic-Smile-457 12h ago

You can make mistakes without having regrets. I'm not sure how old you are, but I look back at my life and would say "what if" and I made mistakes with my career choice. Life is complicated, she wants her kid to go to college away b/c she knows the family can wait. The husband is just feeling pain b/c he is having a hard time realizing it.

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u/real-bebsi 8h ago

tell your partner that settling down with them was a mistake and you're just happy it all worked out on your next anniversary let me know how well that goes over

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u/Street_Estate2342 11h ago

Nah. Calling that a mistake is an insane thing to say.

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u/esmerelda_b 11h ago

My mom told me that if she had to do it over, she wouldn’t have kids. She would’ve traveled instead.

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u/Pendo-illsmackabitch 9h ago

You can make mistakes and not regret them amd you can regret things that were not mistakes

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u/fantafanta_ 12h ago

She doesn't regret the kids, but she definitely sounds like she regrets the marriage and blames it all on him. She choose to have kids and with that comes sacrifices.

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u/[deleted] 12h ago

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u/ShaolinWombat 11h ago

You are making an assumption that he enjoyed his job over that entire period. Not everyone gets to have a job they enjoy or coworkers they like. For most of us jobs are also a sacrifice.

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u/goochy_86 11h ago

Ah yes because having the stress of financial burden of the entire household is nothing right. Knowing if you don't sacrifice your time and energy you could lose your job and your family will suffer is peanuts compared to what the wife is dealing with. Sure she could have done classes from home or enrolled the kids in daycare, but that would require open direct communication instead of hints. Stories like this are exhausting because it always shits on the person giving up all their time and energy working and praises the person who doesn't communicate their issues properly.

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u/977888 11h ago

Yeah man doing the laundry and cooking dinner is so much harder than being a project manager responsible for providing for five people.

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u/Electronic-Smile-457 12h ago

I don't see why the posters don't get this. There's a reason so many women divorce after the kids leave and then the guy is shocked! So, they can feel bad for him all they want, but she's going to leave him as soon as she can and she's telling him why. OP can feel good with people defending him here, but his marriage days are numbered.

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u/Magnon 7h ago

People go back to school when they're in their 30s all the time. She could've chosen to pursue her nursing career again after the kids were in school. That would change their home life, but it doesn't sound like she even talked to him about the possibility. She just let resentment build for 20 years about something she could've done 12-15 years ago.

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u/Conscious-Wind-7785 12h ago

True but could it have been the other way at least early on? Her sacrifice let him work, his sacrifice would have left them no income while she went to school.

It sucks and it isn't fair but she didn't do it for him, she did it for the kids. The better lesson is don't sacrifice your life for kids.

Either way there is a better way to have that convo with your husband and the kids.

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u/underboobfunk 12h ago

They chose to have kids, she made the sacrifices.

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u/RedhandedMan 7h ago

No, she's projecting her issue onto her daughter because she doesn't actually know how to handle them. That's unhealthy.

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u/stingertc 12h ago

But the problem is she absolutely shit on her husband to the kid

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u/Electronic-Smile-457 11h ago

Yeah, because she doesn't like him. And you're reading his version of their life, remember. And he'll be shocked when she divorces him, shocked!

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u/Sweet_Solid_7746 6h ago

You seem like an insanely callous person

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u/Prune-These 12h ago

And his feelings don't count for anything? He didn't give up certain things to start a family? She's also saying to her children, "I gave up my dreams to become a mother". AND...if she had these dreams, why didn't she stop getting pregnant after one child? My late mother was a nurses assistant; my father passed away when I was 10. She worked as a nurse and still raised five kids, all of us graduated from college. She could have studied part -time if it meant that much to her and she could have gone to school once her youngest entered high school. If she was say 19 when she first got pregnant then she'd be in her late thirties which is not too old to learn a trade. If I were the husband, I'd use the od expression "Get off the cross, other people need the wood".

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u/Electronic-Smile-457 12h ago

No, she's not. When you're old, not sure your age, you can look back with wonderings and what ifs-- and she's saying it out loud to tell her daughter not go this route. And doesn't his feelings count? Sounds like they've counted for a lot for years.

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u/Prune-These 11h ago

I'll be 64 in a few months. Do I have regrets? YES! But I don't blame other people for the choices I made. Life is learning from your mistakes and making peace with them, not dwelling on them and certainly not telling the people you're supposed to love that your life with them was a mistake.

Ok, let's assume they had a son. How about this! He tells his son in front of his wife and daughters "Son, don't get trapped with a family at a young age. I could have dated all these other women, travelled to exotic places and club all night but instead I started a family. Enjoy your freedom while you can." Would that be out of line?

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u/Electronic-Smile-457 11h ago

She doesn't like him, I don't think people are getting it? And we're reading his version of events. At your age (I'm older, too), you have surely seen women walk away from these types of marriages? Where a woman is just done and maybe (maybe?) he deserves her resentment. I want her side, too.

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u/Prune-These 11h ago

If she hates him then she/they should get counseling. Either fix their marriage or end it amicably; if not for themselves, then for their children. Bickering and blaming each other, what does that do to the kids? "Is this what marriage looks like? Why would I want to get married?".

And maybe the daughter is making a mistake, maybe not. But if you did your job as a parent, then your adult kids will live and learn from their mistakes.

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u/ImpossibleGarlic7472 11h ago

Her perspective is valid. The way she delivered her message was completely wrong. Telling your children that you regret marrying their father is it horrible way to show them how relationships work

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u/Sykono5 The Timeline Sucks 11h ago

It shows just how painful the feeling has become and the fact it burst without any hesitation means it was suppressed over a long period of time.

It shows exactly how relationships do work, and what raw emotion looks like in motion. The pain is how you show them, or not show them, how you've heard and understood that pain to change your daily habits with them in mind.

We're all humans with complex feelings, and that's okay.

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u/DiamondGeeezer 9h ago

Still, she should not blame her partner for her choices. "Don't ruin your life for a man like I did" implies the husband tricked her or use coercion, yet she chose to have kids and raise them.

The husband is also trapped by having a family, maybe his highest ambition isn't to be a project manager but everyone sacrifices to raise a family.

If she wants to raise her daughter to be strong she should center her own agency "I made choices to have kids early but I think you should exercise your agency and life your life first" is a non toxic way to communicate this.

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u/Sykono5 The Timeline Sucks 9h ago

I guess it boils down to sociology. Both their perspectives are going to be different, especially with how women have been treated and still are being treated to this day. You're right that she shouldn't blame the entirety of men on the one man she has closest to her, but in the heat of the moment it does feel justifiable due to the fact there is a weighted topic about mysoginy and how it's kept women down for, well, forever.

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u/StreetCollar2708 10h ago

I mean, I know that's start the initial words say... but that's not what the story I'm reading conveys. To me, she regrets having her children more than anything.

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u/what-fresh-hells 11h ago

That's not actually what she said though. She said her daughter shouldn't sacrifice her future for a man, like she did. She made a choice. She understands that that choice has led to lots of subsequent sacrifice that she didn't anticipate and doesn't always feel appreciated for. That doesn't mean she doesn't love her husband or her family. It means she doesn't want her daughter to make her decision withiut the benefit of her mother's hindsight.

Now, the conversation absolutely could have been had privately between mother and daughter. The delivery was obviously pointed and would knowingly hurt the father to hear. But it also sounds like not the first time she's tried to communicate this.

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u/977888 11h ago

It’s weird for her to talk about her sacrifice and not being appreciated while her husband literally sacrificed half his life for two decades so he could provide everything for her and their children while she secretly resented him the entire time.

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u/what-fresh-hells 11h ago

What did he sacrifice? Yes he worked and supported them, but what did he actually give up? Or was this the career he was always going to pursue? And did he not get the family he wanted? He got to have both. Trying to frame him doing the thing he set out to do as his sacrifice is...something.

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u/977888 10h ago

…. He sacrificed half his life getting ready for work, commuting, working, likely taking work home with him at times.

Do you think he did it for the fun of it? She got to lay around and seethe about how terrible it is that she has to interact with her own children and fold some clothes while her husband gives up his life to buy her things.

It’s ridiculous to say 20 years of full time work isn’t a sacrifice but caring for the kids you wanted is.

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u/what-fresh-hells 10h ago

He did those things in pursuit of his goals. She never got the opportunity to pursue her goals because his became and stayed the priority. That is the issue at hand.

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u/977888 9h ago

… it stayed the priority because the family wouldn’t survive without it.

I don’t think this man’s dream was to be a project manager. Most people don’t dream of a 9-5. We just work them to survive.

She gave up a concept. He gave up his literal life. It’s mind blowing that you think her sacrifice is greater.

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u/what-fresh-hells 9h ago

I never compared their sacrifices. You are confla t ing him having worked hard with him sacrificing. The issue at hand was whose career goals got supported. Hers were sacrificed. His were not.

You dont know what the family could or would have survived. You cant know that from this post. What we do know is that the conversation was not had. Alternatives were not considered. Because her sacrifice became part of the fabric of their family. And at no point did he say, you know what, it's your turn. How can we make your dream happen?

Because its very easy for someone to sacrifice for you, for that sacrifice to get woven into "the way things work," and for that sacrifice to then become invisible to you. It becomes easy for a man to see his own hard work and not consider what enabled him to do that work.

It isnt a question of who sacrificed more. It's that she made what was supposed to be a small temporary sacrifice for their family. Along the way it became invisible. And she is hurt by that. And she wants to prevent her daughter from making the same mistake.

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u/977888 9h ago

Shouldn’t that be for the daughter to decide? She’s also not even facing the same choice the mom was. The post just says one school the daughter is considering is far away. Choosing a closer school doesn’t mean she’s giving anything up. Maybe if it’s some prestigious dream school she’s always wanted to go to, sure. But the post doesn’t indicate that to be the case. The daughter I’m even says it would be nice to be around all her loved ones, not just her boyfriend.

It feels like the mom is just trying to use it as an opportunity to unload an unrelated frustration.

The mom is just really weird for telling her family, that she chose to make, that she resents them essentially for existing.

I understand the wife’s point where she said “you made sure saying yes would destroy the system”, and that to me was the most profound thing she said. But that’s an unfair accusation when it doesn’t seem to be the case that she ever expressed a desire to go back to school beyond subliminal messaging. We don’t know the arguments they had in which the husband said he would change, and there is not indication they’re about this specific issue.

She’s saying her husband trapped her, but all signs point to her having trapped herself. She married him. She had multiple children. She doesn’t appear to have voiced her dissatisfaction beyond complaining about chores for 20 years. She made all these choices and now wants to blame someone else for feeling unfulfilled.

It’s just mean-spirited.

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u/Timbucktwo1230 🫖 Mod ☕️ 13h ago

https://giphy.com/gifs/3ornk3ifPpyCwE8Ti8

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u/[deleted] 7h ago

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u/PoursTea-ModTeam 5h ago

Banned

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u/tabbarrett 12h ago edited 5h ago

People also don’t realize if the husband didn’t have the support system the wife provided with her free labor, he wouldn’t have gotten so far in his career.
As for their conversation, sounds like she already told him how she feels, he just didn’t understand what the mom meant until after she said it to the daughter. He said he just heard complaints.
People are so busy trying to protect the dad’s feeling but forget it was the mom that sacrificed everything and now they want her to sacrifice her feelings because he’s not getting it.

Edit to add - stay at home parents do give free labor. Room and board is not a payment for being a stay at home person. Marriage is not employment.

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u/Dddddd92 12h ago

This!!! Also the dad apparently put the whole burden of childcare and home making on the mom. So "i never said no to nursing school" os just a cop out. He actually didn't say yes either@

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u/Wabbit65 12h ago

Maybe he didn't feel it was his to say yes or no. But she needed to be more direct about her feelings about this decades ago, and they both need to sit down and communicate, likely with a professional moderating.

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u/Dddddd92 12h ago

Ofcourse he doesn't. Because he was content with her bearing the whole burden of the children. Why would he change anything?

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u/Gaarakhan55 10h ago

People at like all he did was work and beared no effort to kids or home while not at work.

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u/CompassMetal 10h ago

Raising children is a privilege and a pleasure. From what he said he wished he'd been able to spend that time with them. Work sucks. I mean, this is fake as hell, but come on

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u/Everyday_goddess 12h ago

That’s kind of negated by him saying he never said no. If that wasn’t how he thought of it he wouldn’t have said that.

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u/luri7555 11h ago

Why? If he was single he could invest even more into his future. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. That means both partners agree to compromise their individuality to some degree so they can better manage their family.

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u/tabbarrett 5h ago

If she’s single she can do the same too

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u/Local-Unit6548 11h ago

No, I think that you are missing the point that it is a partnership. It isn't "his career", it is "their livelihood". The mom didn't sacrifice anything. She was an essential element of a unit that created a family. Yet, at the end of the day, what she did was confess that creating children with her spouse was of less importance, and meaningful, to her in life than making money and having her own career. And the absurd irony in this, is the career she wanted. She was going to be a nurse!! A life devoted to caring for and making life better for strangers! Yet she couldn't see how valuable and important it was to care for, and make life better for her own children.

Also, she, as a mature adult, had every opportunity to choose a career over children at any point: before the first born, and after every other birth. She could have even terminated the first birth. But she remained in the partnership until finally gaslighting, disparaging, and undercutting her spouse in front of their children. Horrible and sad

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u/Ray0977 8h ago

I couldn't agree more. The fact that so many people are siding with the wife in this AI generated scenario, shows you how terrible society has become.

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u/CptJackParo 11h ago

Thats a decent amount of survivorship bias tbh. If she hadnt, they may have ended up homeless, in poverty due to him losing his job.

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u/tabbarrett 5h ago

If she was able to do nursing school in the beginning like she was suppose to they wouldn’t be homeless

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u/MedusasMum 12h ago

This thread is gross.
Sounds like a lot of young and old people saying coercive abuse is normal and all the mom’s fault.
I’m tired of people thinking this way.
It’s the reason why emotional abuse and coercive control is still rampant in our country.
But maybe the people sticking up for dad are the type of people that are coercive abusers…

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u/benvader138 12h ago

The mom is very selfish here

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u/SockPuppyMax 12h ago

Selfish for giving up her career to make sure they could take care of their children? Be so for real right now

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u/StreetCollar2708 10h ago

I don't get this kind of thinking. Her body, her choice. Right? If she wanted to have a career instead of children, she was the ultimate decision for that. But she chose to have the kids, was the father not supposed to work either? It's not like he was off gallivanting across the globe or anything. He was working to provide for 5 people. He did make sacrifices himself. Why is him having to with with to provide for 5 people considered him being selfish? You're telling me you would rather work to mange with money to support a family of 5 rather than do something else? Could you support a family of 5 on your current income right now? How much more time and energy would it take you to actually do that?

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u/ShoddyAsparagus3186 11h ago

Selfish for blaming her husband when she never talked to him about it.

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u/SockPuppyMax 11h ago

She said she made choices she regrets, and those choices were made to support her husband. That's not blaming him. Also he said in the post itself, she had been saying things the WHOLE TIME, he just didn't realize it

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u/ShoddyAsparagus3186 11h ago

"Never give up your future for a man the way I did for your father."

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u/SockPuppyMax 11h ago

Yeah, she owned up to it, "the way I did"

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u/ShoddyAsparagus3186 11h ago

She owned up to making a choice to benefit him without talking about it with him. In doing so, she blamed him for an outcome that he was unaware was bad for her.

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u/Sen_Gargoyle_D-NY 9h ago

Ungrateful.

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u/Time-Weekend-8611 9h ago

Oh my god, stop infantilizing women.

At any point she could have opened her mouth and said "Let's put a pause on kids because I want to finish nursing school." But she didn't.

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u/phdoofus 9h ago

I think a LOT of people realize that. Most normal people do. She didn't really have a direct conversation with him about it from the sound of it. Sounds like a lot of off hand comments that aren't really getting to the core of the issue.

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u/Turkeysocks 8h ago

She did not have a career. She was just accepted into nursing school. Getting accepted into nursing school does not mean one will have a nursing career. She could have ended up dropping out (for reasons other than her husband and kids) or failing. And, even if she actually did pass and start a job, 50% of nurses quit within their first two years.

https://nurse.org/news/half-of-new-nurses-quit-within-2-years/

Also your idea that he wouldn't have gotten as far in his career without his wife being there to do "free labor" to support him is false. If he never married her or had kids, he would've gotten just as far in his career. There are lots of older single guys who have never married and have great careers. There are also many single fathers out there who get excel in their careers without a wife.

No, it does not sound like she actually talked to him. Making small comments here and there complaining about housework is not the same as sitting down and communicating that she felt screwed over for not going to nursing school.

The husband certainly should be called out for not communicating with his wife, but the wife absolutely needs to be called out too. Cause she's basically not just calling out her husband, but also her kids too.

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u/Moiraine-FanBlue 8h ago

Sure he could have. It's not kind to say, but he doesn't *need* the wife or the children to continue in his career.

The support system was that *someone* has to take care of the kids, and someone has to pay for it.

He could have simply divorced her, walked away, and paid child support and entirely ignored the childrens existence other than that.

That would have also enabled him to continue in his career.

It would not be a loyal, kind, or loving thing to do. But it was completely legally his option to pursue.

Regardless of the moral or ethical parts of it, the legal reality that every woman in most countries face
is that she is GOING to end up the physical caregiver of the children she bears unless she is rich enough and established enough in a very well paying career to be able to pay for 24/7 childcare.

The legal system as it stands essentially says the man has done his legal part of the job the moment he meets the financial necessities of raising the children.

The free labor she is providing isn't to him, incidentally.

She's providing the labor *To the State*.

Which legally requires that parents take care of and not abandon their children.

Her husband isn't the one who is going to put her (or himself) in prison for child neglect.

The state will do that, if she simply abandons the children and he follows suit, in order to pursue a career.

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u/Wonderful_Store2340 8h ago

This notion that a wife gives her labour for free is comical. As a stay at home dad my job is 10 times easier than my wife’s. It takes me a couple hours tops each day to stay on top of chores then I have most of the day to myself whilst the kids are at school. Cooking, cleaning, taxi service when the kids need to go somewhere. Doesn’t even come close to a full working week. And I get the added benefit of actually getting to spend time with my kids.

I find it wild how many women complain about ‘having to look after their kids’ as if it’s a job.

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u/SirSafe6070 7h ago

so, first of all, it wasnt free labor. He had to pay her bills, live in a bigger house so more rent, more electricity, more water and food consumption, clothes, etc.

secondly, plenty of single men are very successful in their careers, so the idea he wouldn't have gotten far without her is kinda ... dumb? Consider that without her, he also wouldn't have the children to care for.

Thirdly, getting a promotion and a raise isn't really the life fulfilling lottery ticket you and her might think, especially considering most people actively hate their job. He clearly would have preferred to stay at home with his children than toil away for some boss who would gladly throw him out the moment he stopped being useful for the company. He took up all that stress normal work comes with so that neither his wife nor his children would have to know what its like to be growing up homeless. Now idk about you, but I wouldnt want to live on a mom's nurse income alone.

Fourthly, the mom did not sacrifice everything. She had her children. Unless she didn't want them - in which case it's questionable why she got 3 - she did get something she wanted. She sacrificed one dream for another. And he sacrificed one dream for another.

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u/tabbarrett 5h ago

So she’s a nanny and maid. Got it. I’m not talking about single men or any other situation except when a wife has to give up something and the husband doesn’t realize it. You’re also making hypothetical situations that aren’t there. They both wanted children. Not just her. There’s nothing that was just for her. The husband got his career and she wasn’t able to have her.

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u/BilbaoBoggins 12h ago

You don't know that. Plenty of single people progress in their careers just fine.

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u/Brave-Cap4291 12h ago

Yes, single people. He is equal to single because he didn't have to think of dinner and kids and that he has to clean their shit. He's equal to single people, she is not

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u/KeyFeeFee 11h ago

Exactly this. He had the benefit of coming home to food and meals and clean clothes and someone to talk to that he would not have had without her work. He lived better than a single person and got perks for it.

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u/phantasticpipes 11h ago

?

He absolutely would have all of that while single and more simply by paying for it instead of spending money on a family. Hiring cleaners and ordering takeout is so much cheaper than being married with children.

I have no dogs in this race but it’s absurd to see people argue that being single is worse for your career. It probably literally never is

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u/Secret-Put-4525 12h ago

There's better ways to say it. You should never tell your husband and wife that you regret them being in it.

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u/Magnon 7h ago

I mean you tell them that if you don't love them anymore and are seeking a divorce. Ideally you don't just stew in resentment for 20 years though, so it never gets to that point.

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u/TacosAreLife007 12h ago

Valid in her perspective? I disagree.

So she is valid to villainize her husband for two similar choices she made voluntarily (getting pregnant not once, but twice)? And holding that resentment towards him for 2 decades?

You said it yourself, sometimes you have to make sacrifices. I also am making sacrifices to things I wanted to do or buy for my partner and our MUTUAL pursuit to starting a family. Is it right for me to frame my partner for a choice I decided to make voluntarily? No.

She may mourn the lost chances of becoming a nurse, but she has no right to hold her husband accountable. It is he who kept a roof over their heads, after all.

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u/Dddddd92 12h ago

She has all the right to regret her choices.

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u/Gaarakhan55 10h ago

True but bare your fangs at the proper time not dump your feelings in front of your children.

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u/TacosAreLife007 12h ago

Clearly the point went right over your head.

The argument here isn't whether she has the right to regret her OWN decisions or not. The point here is whether she is right to accuse her husband for the regret she is feelings, despite being the person who made those life decisions herself.

The answer is: no.

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u/Enough_Photograph678 12h ago

yes mom was right her daughter needs to able to stand on her own but the way she said it should have been better . I'm sure she could have went back at some point even with a some inconvenience for the family

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u/Dddddd92 12h ago

I agree it came across as trauma dumping. The kid might feel like they are being guilty tripped

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u/stingertc 12h ago

ya but she is basically saying he ruined her life that's super harsh she needs therapy

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u/Dddddd92 12h ago

Therapy will not fix regret. She regrets the choices she made. You cannot alter your feelings through Therapy.

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u/Technical-Command867 12h ago

I’m curious what she would do different. She goes to school. He stays home and takes care of the kids? Would he have her respect after she came home from long hours and there are still chores not done? After she feels like she’s sacrificing her time with her kids to pay the bills and help her career? Would she grow resentment for him? The way I see it, everyone envies the life they don’t have when they focus on what they don’t have instead of what they do. Men and women do this. It’s easy to speak on the other side when you don’t know how that would have unfolded. In my experience, women don’t like being the breadwinners and don’t like making more than their husbands. Resentment grows and then entitlement and they find someone who they think is better than their husbands.

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u/Dddddd92 12h ago

If you read more i think the husband could have actually taken up more of the burden of childcare and home making and actively encouraged her to go to school. But he never cared about that.

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u/Technical-Command867 12h ago

I mean while he’s working? After the second kid? As a couple they should have really talked about it. I don’t think when a couple has a discussion about decisions, and one isn’t honest by not sharing how they really feel, they get to complain later. If I was with my partner and never knew how she really felt about a big decision in our lives and found out later I would be pissed. Because if she said her honest feelings we could have found a happy medium or taken it her way.

My point still stands, you can regret your decisions and wax poetic about what could have been but it may have split their family or if she became the breadwinner she may have still grown resentment. At any point she could have put her foot down about having the first kid. About having unprotected sex or any other number of choices along the way.

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u/Dddddd92 12h ago

I agree they should have not had a second kid. The way he explainst it shows how nursing school was never a priority for him either

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u/Technical-Command867 12h ago

I get that. But he was blindsided 20 years later. Why couldn’t she say, “hey, I’d like to resume my career path. Can we figure out how to make this work?” She didn’t at any point do that. The husband doesn’t sound like an a-hole.

But again, it’s easy to talk about the what could have beens without knowing the full effects, stress or otherwise role reversal would have effected their family. Is her chasing her career worth a broken home? Deeper resentments? Fights causing trauma for the kids? Idk, man, I’ve just seen it in real life too many times where the wife makes more money, loses respect for her husband, and splits to find someone who does make more money than her. Expect that man won’t make the sacrifices for the family or her like her ex husband did.

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u/Dddddd92 11h ago

How the hell was he blindsided? He always knew she gave up the one thing she wanted to do because she got pregnant!!!

That should tell you how knew this husband knew his wife

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u/Technical-Command867 11h ago

Well he was obviously taken aback when she said what she said to her daughter in front of him. He wasn’t ignoring it. He thought they made a mutual decision together. She let him believe that while holding resentment and regret the whole time.

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u/Dddddd92 11h ago

I think you just have a problem with women out earning men but you don't seem to have a problem with men putting the whole burden of childcare on women expecting them to have no life outside of home

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u/Technical-Command867 11h ago

I truly don’t. My mom did. They divorced for other reasons. But I saw my friends family fall apart and he told me that was the reason his mom left his dad. I’ve heard women say that. I’ve seen my best friend and his wife fight early on about it because she made the mo eh and he is a musician. I’ve heard women say that their man, who makes all the money, takes care of the bills and the kids be upset because their man isn’t ambitious because she makes more than him. He pays the bills, and takes care of the kids, and she’s starting to look elsewhere. Bro, it’s a reality and it’s not smart to ignore that reality

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u/GetInTheHole 6h ago

She also told her daughter she regrets having kids.

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u/stingertc 12h ago

True Just meant maybe they can work through it together

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u/Dddddd92 12h ago

It's too late for that. She can only try and make peace with her choices she made now. May be couples therapy would help

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u/stingertc 12h ago

Its there only shot at happiness

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u/[deleted] 13h ago

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u/HaHaWhatAStory014 12h ago

There is a lot of very important information missing from the story. I know it's indelicate to say this, but whether or not any of those pregnancies were planned makes a pretty big difference. "Guys deliberately trying to get their girlfriends pregnant to 'force' them to stay with them" definitely happens, just like the other "baby trap." I'm not saying that's what happened here, but it's worth considering.

Also, "don't let your 'dumb teenager' high school significant other dictate your major life choices" is pretty typical advice. If it just happens to work out, great, it works out, but one typically shouldn't treat a high school relationship like marriage. And in this case, if the daughter's high school boyfriend supposedly cares and "loves" her so much, why can't he go to her preferred college? He "wants to stay local," but what about her? Again, no one is "wrong" here, but his choice or preference should not take priority over or dictate hers.

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u/CombinationRough8699 10h ago

"Guys deliberately trying to get their girlfriends pregnant to 'force' them to stay with them" definitely happens, just like the other "baby trap." I'm not saying that's what happened here, but it's worth considering.

Honestly I think this is something that both men and women are equally guilty of. If anything it's easier for women, since it's easier to stop taking birth control without your partner knowing, than it is to remove a condom.

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u/Dddddd92 12h ago

Calling someone a "psychotic asshole" because of an opinion is definitely a choice lol. Looks like you need to stay away from the dating pool if you cannot handle a different opinion

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u/BanAssaultGeese 12h ago

If your opinion is to openly shit talk how terrible of a decision your spouse is, you have a lot of emotional damage to seek help for. Like, really.

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u/Cheerio_Wolf 7h ago

While simultaneously telling your child that you regret having them, and that they ruined your life, even if you don’t use those words

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u/Dddddd92 12h ago

Oh I forgot you are supposed to suffer in silence and not speak up when your child does the same mistakes, in your perspective. Like really. How dare a person express their regret in life choices.

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u/False-Blood1813 11h ago

HUGE difference between talking about your regrets and openly badmouthing your husband. She says all this now but didn't bring it up when the choice came? It's as much her decision as the fault lays with the husband for not making sure she was alright with it. Just because it's a woman that received the short end of the stick doesn't automatically make the husband some "coercive abuser".

Coercive abuse is a real thing, but this is a case of bad communication, stop making it so quick to put 100% of the blame on people.

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u/Dddddd92 11h ago

No one mentioned coercive abuse here. I just said she should be able to talk openly about her regrets. Learn to read.

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u/False-Blood1813 11h ago

Mb I think my brain was mixing up stuff here with stuff in another comment in this thread.

But either way, there's a diff between talking openly and just outright badmouthing someone. She basically fully blamed the husband for her situation ignoring the fact she even chose to have a 2nd kid with him, and also essentially said she regretted having her daughter in front of her. That's not something you can just excuse as speaking openly.

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u/Dddddd92 11h ago

No. She is just telling her daughter to make better choices than she did. And imagine the audacity of this man to act like a victim here This is not even about him. This is about the kid!!

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u/Alternative-Rip-1973 11h ago

How would you feel if your significant other said that they regretted you. That’s what she said. She said she regretted settling for him.

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u/False-Blood1813 11h ago

Framing a discussion like having 2 kids with another person was another persons fault does have something to do with that.

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u/PoursTea-ModTeam 6h ago

Banned

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u/Bread_is__funny 12h ago

None of this is emotional abuse, sounds like she is just finally speaking about the sacrifices she made without tiptoeing around it. The husband didn't get defensive and instead did some self-reflection about it, and hopefully they can move forward with him being aware that their lives were only possible because of her sacrifices (let's pretend this is real and the husband is capable of that much self-reflection)

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u/stingertc 12h ago

oh no that is 100 percent emotional abuse she said Daddy ruined my life don't let it happen to you thats passive aggressive AF

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u/[deleted] 12h ago

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u/stingertc 12h ago

OK that doesn't negate the emotional abuse of telling your Daughter that Daddy ruined your life to your face papers would be there the next day if you cant talk to me and tell me your feelings until 20 years later in front of our kids you tell me you made a mistake marrying me don't worry that will be rectified quick

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u/Bread_is__funny 12h ago

It's true though, why should she be quiet about it?

She also didn't say "daddy ruined my life" she said she gave up everything for him. She made the choice to do that and she doesn't want her daughter to do the same thing.

She could have dumped him and aborted the fetus and went on her merry way making a life for herself. She gave up her potential and her future for her husband and kids. Her husband gave up nothing.

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u/Time-Weekend-8611 12h ago

she said she gave up everything for him.

She called it a "mistake."

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u/BanAssaultGeese 12h ago

It's emotional abuse, full stop. There's nothing empowering or brave about this. It's a massive red flag of someone with a garbage personality that would be better off single.

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u/LoFriedBurgers 11h ago

I understand having regrets in life, but the post as written it sounds like she regrets the family since it skewed her career ambitions. If thats the case its rough, but blaming her husband for it and passively blaming the kids because they were born is messed up and screams bitter.

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u/ShaolinWombat 11h ago

Why is it the better choice? Why is outside work of more value than raising children?

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u/lovelylooloo7 11h ago

Because if they feed you, they can starve you.

No woman should depend on a man financially for anything.

I am married (20 years) and I love my husband and children. However, I never sacrificed my own career and I teach my daughters to do the same. If my husband and I split tomorrow, I can easily support myself and our children because I have a wonderful career that affords me the life I want. I would resent my husband if I had to rely on an allowance or was stuck at home all day while everyone was out at work and school.

Ladies, get an education and a career before you have children.

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u/tboyd21 11h ago

What I’m confused about is what is the alternative that you guys would have wanted the husband to do?

They were already pregnant at the time and couldn’t afford childcare, tuition and rent. They clearly had to make a decision and it seemed like he was already making money while her going to school was not going to be making them money to financially work while having a kid.

She was also just as much a part of making the kid as he was so to fully blame the husband for her not being able to pursue her career is a little asinine to me. They should have never gotten pregnant if she wanted to pursue a career over family. That’s her decision and she made the wrong one but that’s not on the dad that’s her own fault

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u/lovelylooloo7 9h ago

There is something called daycare. She could have had the baby and then gone back to work after a year (we get up to 18 months maternity leave in Canada).

Agreed that they were not ready to have a child but she didn’t have to give up her independence.

Also, FYI, she did not get pregnant on her own. You would probably have even more to say if she had decided to not go through with the pregnancy at all 🙄

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u/01zorro1 8h ago

but, whats the alternative here? childcare exist sure, could they aford it? no
its a bad situation for both of them, no one is deniying that, but making a one sided argument its kind of weird

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u/ShaolinWombat 8h ago

She was not going back to work. She was going to start nursing school. If we are talking RN that’s 2-8 years. So childcare plus costs.

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u/Crime_Dawg 8h ago

Women have far more control over whether or not they get pregnant. They have tons of long term bc options, abortion, and adoption. Men have condoms (they make sex horrible) or pull out and hope for the best.

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u/lovelylooloo7 8h ago

boo hoo, does it make sex horrible? So does a screaming baby.

My point is, the woman has to make the sacrifice, rarely the man. If he was supportive, she could have gone to school and got a career.

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u/Crime_Dawg 8h ago

Every LTR I've ever been in, it's the woman badgering and pestering for way more sex than I actually want. If every time had to be with a condom, I would run for the hills real damn quick.

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u/tboyd21 8h ago

Well I think the story very clearly says that they didn’t have money for childcare. Daycare is childcare and does cost money that they clearly were not financially prepared for. That was a decision they had to come to together. If that decision was that he has to continue to work in order to provide a life for the family and she can’t go to school, I don’t think it’s fair to blame the husband for having to be the provider.

You also say “go back to work” but she wasn’t working. She was going to school which was just another expense and not bringing in income. It wasn’t that she was a nurse and then put her career on pause, she was a nurse STUDENT. There’s a significant difference there and it’s very clear that they couldn’t afford for her to continue to go to school while he stayed home from work to take care of the kids. At some point someone has to make the sacrifice and unfortunately for her it was her.

Lastly, I didn’t say she got pregnant on her own but I think acting like she has no responsibility for getting pregnant is also super disingenuous. It’s called proper family planning and if you weren’t ready financially or professionally to have that kid you shouldn’t have put yourself in the position to get pregnant and then you shouldn’t have doubled down on it and had a second. The husband did what he had to do which was be the breadwinner of the family. The wife did what she had to do which was be the mom to the children and take care of the household. I understand she doesn’t like the way things turned out but complaining about it 20 years later rather than sitting down and actually properly planning and prioritizing her professional life against her personal life is not her husband’s fault and her delivery of the complaint is actually disgusting and should have been a private conversation with her husband.

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u/Dddddd92 11h ago

Because being a nurse, saving lives, being financially independent is more self fulfilling than raising children for SOME PEOPLE! She should have had the chance to do both. Not one.

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u/ShaolinWombat 11h ago

Maybe for some.

But why does our society tell us there is more value doing external work than raising a family.

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u/Dddddd92 11h ago

Who told you that?

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u/Interesting_Novel997 7h ago

Ask the patriarchy.

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u/Crime_Dawg 8h ago

Because you get paid. I make a very healthy 6 figures, my partner makes a very healthy 6 figures. We don't hire help because we don't have kids, but if we wanted to, we could easily afford it without "needing" someone to stay home. I also don't want kids though, DINK life is best, retire in your 40s or 50s.

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u/Wolverine863 9h ago

I would have no issue with the mother giving her the advice to her daughter to do what is in her own best interest. My issue is with her out of the blue attacks on the husband. If his recounting of the events is accurate, she waited all these years to let him know how she truly felt. That is not something you do in front of your kids. That is unfair to the child and the husband. Now I wouldn't be surprised if the wife's version of events was different.

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u/phdoofus 9h ago

'Saying it in smaller ways' = 'hinting', 'alluding','interpretive dancing about the topic'. Jeebus, she did 19 years of this and not once did she come out and have an adult conversation with him about it. That's a choice. I'm all for her daughter knowing at her age she should not let some guy she's not even married to determine her future.

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u/VisualEffective2360 9h ago

She is not valid. She is acting like she was held down and forced to have 3 children back to back. She is equally as responsible for every pregnancy. Many women continue education whilst pregnant, she can't blame anyone but herself for dropping out.

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u/thatonebrassguy 8h ago

She is completely in the wrong how she brought it up and especially in front of kids. Why would you even do it like this.

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u/mtngrl60 8h ago

It does mean sacrifice. The problem is that so often it only means one person sacrifices.

Because quite often, in this situation, the men say that their sacrifice was that they got last time with their children.

But also quite often, that is what they chose. Because what they will admit to themselves is that even after that first child, they could have allowed their spouse to take night classes. And they could’ve taken on the evening routine at home so their partner could do that.

And it is really hard. Because they’ve been working all day, and then they would come home and have to take on all the stuff at night. The same way their partner took on all the stuff all day long.

And what they don’t understand is if you’re home with small children, you’re not getting a break. You’re not getting a coffee break. You’re not sitting down for lunch. You’re not gonna go to the water cooler for an afternoon break/snack.

You never get to look at a project and say it’s done because the very next day, they’re still laundry. They’re still groceries. They’re still cooking. They’re still cleaning. You will have to do the entire day all over again with only a child talking in your ear.

When you’re the one at home, nobody is having a conversation with you that is actually an adult conversation. Nobody is asking your opinion on anything. If anything, you’re now known as someone’s mom or someone’s wife.

So that’s why a lot of the time, again using this situation and gender division… Men who work all day are unwilling to come home and sacrifice so that their partner can have a career. Can remember who they are as a person. Can go to night classes.

And they refuse to see the sacrifice that the stay-at-home partner made. The career that they wanted that they gave up but that would still be within reach at this point in time… After the first child.

So when the sacrifice always falls to one person, that’s not OK. It’s simply isn’t. Partners need to remember that they are both individuals. And both of them have hopes and dreams… And one person shouldn’t just have to give those up.

Especially when, if like in this case someone wanted to be a nurse and was accepted to nursing school. Allowing that partner to feel fulfilled and take on that education in that job is only, in the long run, going to benefit the entire family.

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u/confirmedshill123 7h ago

Lmao it's an ai post

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u/WaffleHouseFistFight 10h ago

Just going to copy my comment over from another thread.

I hope he left. Nothing is more annoying and toxic in my opinion than people who take no accountability for their own lives and rather blame others for their inaction because it’s easier than saying they took the easy way out themselves.

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u/Material-Command-854 9h ago

It’s not easy to be or feel powerless, it’s just self-destructive

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u/Cubedtails 12h ago

No shes not. The mother chose to give up on her dream. And while circumstances delayed it because of money wise; you can't blame your partner if you never apply yourself down the road when circumstances are different.

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u/Dddddd92 12h ago

And she should have chosen better. Which is what she tells her daughter .....

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u/DigdigdigThroughTime 12h ago

Because she absolutely needs to phrase it differently. Because it 100% sounds like she's blaming her husband.

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u/Cubedtails 12h ago

Once she was pregnant, the ball kind is in court regardless; there is no better option because either way whether it be the wife working or the husband; there was not enough for rent, childcare and tuition for School at the time.

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u/MagReg2020 13h ago

He should divorce that wife. Let her live her life and not blame her failings on him any longer. I'm sure he can do the housework he needs done for himself, and his kids are grown.

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u/Dddddd92 12h ago

Sure. Divorce the woman that gave up on her whole career, life to have his kids. This only validates her words more. It's not worth it to give up your independence, career, earning potential to raise a man's kids. He can divorce you after the kids are grown and leave you penniless!

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u/WriterHot9097 12h ago

I don't like this description of "his kids". It's not "his kids", it's their kids. She is as much of a parent as he is, and holds the responsibility just as much.

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u/Dddddd92 12h ago

The commenter i replied to used "his kids are grown"....

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u/MagReg2020 12h ago

She has no respect for him, speaks of him as though he's a parasite who fed off her. Such cold apathy has no love, and if there isn't that, there's no reason to stay with her. He has the rest of his life to live for as well. Why wake up every morning next to the face that said these words? I'd be done with it during that very conversation. She says those words, he says "cool, I guess we're done with. Let's get divorced".

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u/Dddddd92 12h ago

If she had love for her he would have made sure she went to nursing school. "I didn't say no" is not an answer. He put the whole burden of childcare and home making on her. She was forced to make a choice after the first child.

Again, your urge to divorce the woman who spent her whole life slaving away for the children she created with you definitely makes her take more valid. Never give up your career to give a man a family. It's not worth it. You will either resent him ir he will end up divorcing you.

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u/No_Garbage_9262 12h ago

She didn’t have a career, she had choices but never explored how to make her dream come true. Did she do anything to make it happen? Did she bring it up to OP again and again that she really wanted to go to nursing school? Did she get catalogs and look at prerequisites and explore the cost of tuition and childcare?

I wonder if they had worked out all those details and if she seriously looked at the amount of work it would take and the help they would need with childcare and transportation, and the difficulty of studying while putting toddlers to bed might have left her happy with the choice she made.

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u/Dddddd92 12h ago

She didn't have a career because she was never given the chance to. If you read further it clearly says the dad dumped the whole burden of childcare and running the home on her, money was tight so him saying "I never said no to nursing school" is just a cop out.

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u/Aggressive_Fix_2995 12h ago

He is the cold and apathetic one, for never considering her wants and desires for 19 years. He has been incredibly selfish.

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u/Aggressive_Fix_2995 12h ago

If they agree to divorce, she is completely entitled to half of everything, including half of all property, current income, retirement accounts, vehicles and alimony. This is usually the part that the man will dispute, but he will still receive the benefits of future promotions and bonuses. He would never have gotten where he is without her.

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u/Savings-Badger4938 12h ago

Hope she takes every single thing in the divorce if he’s an asshole like you with that opinion 🤷🏻‍♀️

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u/MagReg2020 12h ago

Hope he has nothing but debt, and she gets that too.

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u/Dresses_and_Dice 12h ago

And leave her without the income, retirement, etc? After she gave up her ability to earn for herself, leave her with nothing now that he doesn't need the childcare etc that she contributed that made it possible for him to earn promotions and income? That would be incredibly selfish.

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u/MagReg2020 12h ago

Yes. She lived under a roof he paid for, fed off of food he bought, and she chose to dismiss his life of work for this same family. Selfish? You think nothing of the men you feed off of, only conscious of the attention you get and desire. And then when you're reminded that they have souls too, you feel attacked. Men think of others in ways women do not. She chose the life she had. She'd likely have been an awful nurse.

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