r/PoursTea • u/Timbucktwo1230 🫖 Mod ☕️ • 13h ago

FeministTea👩🏻‍🎓👩🏿‍⚖️👠🥾 Regrets And Perspectives

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148

u/Dddddd92 13h ago

Having children and a family and sometimes even a partner means sacrificing somethings and making choices. The mother wants the daughter the choose better than she did. She is completely valid in her perspective

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u/Electronic-Smile-457 13h ago

This! She wants her daughter to secure her personal choices before getting to the other phase in her life. It doesn't mean she regrets her children. All these posters try to not hear what the mother is saying.

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u/Time-Weekend-8611 12h ago

The word she used as "mistake."

Sure sounds like regret.

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u/[deleted] 12h ago

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/Time-Weekend-8611 12h ago

She makes it sound like its her husband's fault.

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u/Accomplished_Self939 11h ago

It is the husband’s fault that her sacrifice was invisible to him.

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u/Time-Weekend-8611 11h ago

Her husband was literally bringing in the income for the entire family. She certainly didn't seem to appreciate that.

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u/what-fresh-hells 11h ago

You think someone sacrificing their own career dreams, birthing your children, and caring for your home so that you can focus on your career signals that they do not appreciate you or your career?

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u/Time-Weekend-8611 11h ago

birthing your children, and caring for your home

Interesting choice of words. Weren't they her children? Wasn't it her home?

Her husband brought home the bacon for twenty years and never expected any special kind of gratitude because he accepted those responsibilities according to their mutually agreed upon division of labor.

He wasn't the one crying about how he was forced to work a job because his wife stay at home status made it impossible to quit.

If the wife wanted to return to the workforce she could have done so at any time. She didn't have to carry three children to term. She didn't have to be a stay at home mom. Nobody was holding a gun to her head.

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u/what-fresh-hells 11h ago

It's almost like you didn't read the post or perhaps you are simply entirely unable to put yourself in the perspective of this woman.

Your rebuttal once again fails to hear her actual argument, to acknowledge her sacrifice and contribution, and ignores entirely that the way their family system was organized did not support her goals or autonomy. It was never as simple as if she wanted to, she could have. She didn't because she allowed him to, and he never made supporting her doing so a priority. THAT is what she is communicating to her daughter. For young women not to fall into the trap of sacrificing your goals, needs, and wants for someone else, who has not demonstrated a willingness to also prioritize yours.

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u/Time-Weekend-8611 11h ago

and ignores entirely that the way their family system was organized did not support her goals or autonomy

Is there a reason she couldn't bring that up to her husband instead of passive aggressively blaming him for her not having a carreer?

Is there a reason why she couldn't have said to her husband "Hey, let's put a pause on kids because I really want to go to nursing school?"

Is there a reason why she couldn't have said, "Hey, I'd really like you to take some of the responsibilities around the house so that we can both work on a career."

But she didn't. She said nothing for twenty years while stewing inside and expected him toread her mind without her having to open her mouth.

For young women not to fall into the trap of sacrificing your goals, needs, and wants for someone else, who has not demonstrated a willingness to also prioritize yours.

Oh my god, stop infantilizing women.

She could have just opened her mouth at any point and had a frank discussion with her husband about kids and finances. But she didn't. She stewed for twenty years and blamed him for not reading her mind.

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u/what-fresh-hells 11h ago

I'm pretty sure the indication is that she did bring it up. He says he thought it was just complaints. So again, at no point did her needs and goals become a priority to him enough that he was willing to sacrifice his own desires or to rearrange his life in any way. He, and you, want the entire responsibility of making their life work and getting her needs met to be hers alone. That is not how partnership is supposed to work.

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u/stickyfantastic 7h ago

"allowed him to"??? He didn't have a choice either. Huh??

-1

u/Destithen 6h ago

It's almost like you didn't read the post

Or we did and came to a different conclusion than you. This definitely ain't a black and white topic, and there's probably a million things people could point out that both the man and the woman could have done differently.

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u/Street_Estate2342 11h ago

Apparently not, because they literally called doing that a mistake.

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u/what-fresh-hells 11h ago

She called sacrificing her dreams for his at a time when she could have chosen herself a mistake. It does not follow that she then believes every subsequent decision to have been a mistake or that she cannot appreciate his work or contributions to their family. She obviously does, given she literally enabled it with her sacrifices. She is encouraging her daughter to choose herself. She believes that her daughter can have love and a family AND her own dreams and goals. I dont think that idea is offensive.

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u/Street_Estate2342 11h ago

Emphasis on why blaming the husband alone is unreasonable

It takes two people to have what happens here happen. It is unreasonable how she blames her husband alone.

In the third slide she says “you just made sure saying yes would destroy the entire system” that can’t be concluded based on the post’s information. The system could have been restructured to enable her to go to school, but she didn’t work with him and say “yes”.

Genderswapped example that still fits gender-norms

This is the gender swapped equivalent of a man-and-woman relationship where the man tries to saddle a massive bill on the woman that is equivalent to all of the things said man has bought for said woman (flowers, dinners, etc.)

The man still bought said items, literally enabled it with his time, effort, and money, but it makes it very obvious that he doesn’t value it.

The woman is doing the same thing here. Yes, she isn’t outright saying it, but it’s very obvious that she is saddling all the blame onto him for a two-person decision.

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u/what-fresh-hells 11h ago

I think what she blames him for is that she ended up being the only one making sacrifices. Her goals and dreams never became a priority because their family system became organized around his goals. And at no point did he say hey, it's your turn. What do you want and how can I support you? That is why she is resentful.

Many young women are socialized to prioritize the needs of others over their own. They are taught that that is what it means to cooperate. Young men are unfortunately not socialized the same way. It probably never occurred to the husband that he needed to at some point actively do something in support of his wife's dreams, specifically because of the inertia that happens when a system is designed that works well enough for his own needs.

Husband felt like everything was fine. He wasn't sacrificing and he was getting everything he wanted. He was blind to his wife's sacrifice and unhappiness. That is precisely why she felt the need to warn her daughter.

It feels like one small sacrifice now. It can easily lead to a lifetime of small invisible sacrifices that leave you wondering how you ended up living your life for someone else, specifically for someone else who doesnt even recognize that he asked you to and passively let you at every turn.

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u/stickyfantastic 8h ago

You're assuming "focus on your career" is only a positive thing.

Also it sounds like she didn't choose a man over school, she chose a child over school lol

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u/Accomplished_Self939 11h ago

And he didn’t appreciate the way she rearranged her life so he could have everything he wanted.

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u/olivi4rodrigo 10h ago

If you want something, you have to take the initiative. If she wanted a career, like many women with children do have, she should have said it to him directly. If he was unable, or unwilling, to make that work, then she should have left him. I understand it’s easier said than done, but only you have true power over your own life. She accepted that it was her fate. Is he faultless? No, but it isn’t anywhere near solely his fault. She is a person who can and should have made her own decisions if they were important to her. It’s easy to blame others for your life being the way it is, but only you have the power to change it.

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u/Electronic-Smile-457 10h ago

I completely agree with you, she had agency. And these are the type of women who divorce when the kids leave.

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u/TacosAreLife007 12h ago

She has the right to have regrets. She does not have the right to accuse her husband to be the sole reason why the very thing she regrets took place. She is an adult woman who got pregnant not once, but twice. She clearly wanted to have kids. To make her husband the reason she could not become a nurse AND attack him in front of the children is toxic and betrayal.

She should blame herself for her regret. Nobody forced her into parenthood.

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u/complexdevoid 11h ago

That wasn't an attack by the texts description. The mother clearly stated something she feels and experienced. Something she doesn't want her daughter to go through. The context was relevant to it's disclosure. The fact that it makes Dad uncomfortable and he feels blindsided is telling given the rest of the conversation.

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u/TacosAreLife007 11h ago

Maybe she didn't intent it as an attack, but it sure is one. An attack on trust. What she said is no different than telling her kids that she regrets starting a family with their father and having them. That her husband and them (the kids) are the reason why she couldn't fulfill her career goals.

I believe most people will consider this to be an attack. An attack on the trust they build and their view on the relationship.

You can guide your kids with advice without throwing your partner under the bus. I've received much advice from my parents. Not once did they claim the other is the catalyst for things they did not reach in life.

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u/complexdevoid 11h ago

The problem is is that you can't remove Dad from the equation. It is not an attack when you hear something uncomfortable. That is your reaction. She stated facts as she sees them. Her daughter is about to make what she feels is the same mistake. She has every right and in my opinion obligation to protect her child from any harm that she can prevent

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u/TacosAreLife007 11h ago

Did you even read the post? They were arguing, which means the way she brought it forth was an attack and she is making him the catalyst of why she did not become a nurse.

"Never give up your future for another man like I did with your father".

If I was the husband having heard that, I would also see this as my wife regretting being with me and regretting the life we shared. That she would rather actually not be with me or have started a family with me. That's truly a disgusting thing to say to your partner. And if you can't see this, then I wish you best of luck in life.

You can protect your children from your regrets, but nuking your marriage in the process is something else entirely.

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u/complexdevoid 10h ago

I disagree. They weren't arguing by the description. They were having a discussion and disagreement. In fact this seems carefully written to avoid that word . The fact that people have feelings about something that we discuss doesn't have to be an argument. Plus two pet have to be in it to win in. He has checked out long before this post. If fact he isn't asking for help he wants validation which is what you are giving him. Permission to not work on his relationship with his wife.
She doesn't want her daughter to make a bad decision. The fact that makes everyone uncomfortable should be irrelevant which is what I said to someone else but upon more examination I think it makes it more relevant. Don't want to feel this way well you could avoid that is a totally acceptable way to express yourself. The fact that dad is the subject matter is unfortunate but it is a fact. You people just want women to be silent

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u/TacosAreLife007 10h ago

And I disagree with your premise.

I'm sorry, but I cannot take you seriously when you conveniently dismiss the very first line she said. Which is incredibly hurtful and demeaning towards her husband, especially in front of their children.

You are bringing in new contexts and scenarios in your desperate attempt to erase her responsibility and accountability for nuking her marriage at this point.

Like I said before, you can teach your children to make different decisions in life, but not at the cost of your spouse. She basically threw her spouse AND her children under the bus. She blamed not only the husband, but also having children for the reason she didn't become the nurse. And she is doing it with a lot of resentment that comes across as hurtful, abusive and demeaning.

If you don't see the problem in how she presented her regrets, then there is nothing further to discuss.

Based on what we can see, this woman is resentful, non-communicative (only when it boils up) and very demeaning. Such words are not meant to just 'protect the kids'. They are capable of destroying whole relationships and family systems.

"You people just want women to be silent"

Ah, and that reveals the real story. You're not sticking up for her because of what's right or wrong. You're sticking up to her because she is a woman and assuming everyone is against her for misogynistic reasons.

Others have tried to point out the obvious to you, as well. I'm not going to waste more time on you.

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u/complexdevoid 10h ago

The spouse is part of the experience. Can't remove him. He is daddy and said spouse. You don't take me seriously because you don't see the wife as a human with lived experience. We don't know how she feels about her children. if she does feel burdened by them. if she does and? She feels burdened by them. She doesn't want her daughter to make the same mistakes. This is not a Disney situation and everyone does not get to live happily ever after. This woman is not happy with her situation she stated clearly and unequivocally. She is giving necessary information on lived experience so her daughter can make a choice to avoid.. not everything can be sugar coated when it comes to life

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u/Electronic-Smile-457 12h ago

You can make mistakes without having regrets. I'm not sure how old you are, but I look back at my life and would say "what if" and I made mistakes with my career choice. Life is complicated, she wants her kid to go to college away b/c she knows the family can wait. The husband is just feeling pain b/c he is having a hard time realizing it.

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u/real-bebsi 8h ago

tell your partner that settling down with them was a mistake and you're just happy it all worked out on your next anniversary let me know how well that goes over

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u/Electronic-Smile-457 7h ago

Nope, because I like my partner. She obviously doesn't like him, duh. She'll be divorcing him as soon as the kids are out of the house.

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u/Street_Estate2342 11h ago

Nah. Calling that a mistake is an insane thing to say.

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u/esmerelda_b 11h ago

My mom told me that if she had to do it over, she wouldn’t have kids. She would’ve traveled instead.

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u/Pendo-illsmackabitch 9h ago

You can make mistakes and not regret them amd you can regret things that were not mistakes

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u/underboobfunk 12h ago

They both made the “mistake”, yet only one of them had to pay for that “mistake” with their career.

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u/Time-Weekend-8611 12h ago

That's not the husband's fault. Nobody made the wife carry the child at gunpoint. She could have gotten an abortion.

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u/KeyFeeFee 11h ago

You think that would’ve been ok in the context of their marriage?

FeministTea👩🏻‍🎓👩🏿‍⚖️👠🥾 Regrets And Perspectives

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