Regrets And Perspectives

[u/Timbucktwo1230]

[u/ImpossibleGarlic7472]

Her perspective is valid. The way she delivered her message was completely wrong. Telling your children that you regret marrying their father is it horrible way to show them how relationships work

[u/Sykono5 → u/ImpossibleGarlic7472]

It shows just how painful the feeling has become and the fact it burst without any hesitation means it was suppressed over a long period of time.

It shows exactly how relationships do work, and what raw emotion looks like in motion. The pain is how you show them, or not show them, how you've heard and understood that pain to change your daily habits with them in mind.

We're all humans with complex feelings, and that's okay.

[u/DiamondGeeezer → u/Sykono5]

Still, she should not blame her partner for her choices. "Don't ruin your life for a man like I did" implies the husband tricked her or use coercion, yet she chose to have kids and raise them.

The husband is also trapped by having a family, maybe his highest ambition isn't to be a project manager but everyone sacrifices to raise a family.

If she wants to raise her daughter to be strong she should center her own agency "I made choices to have kids early but I think you should exercise your agency and life your life first" is a non toxic way to communicate this.

[u/Sykono5 → u/DiamondGeeezer]

I guess it boils down to sociology. Both their perspectives are going to be different, especially with how women have been treated and still are being treated to this day. You're right that she shouldn't blame the entirety of men on the one man she has closest to her, but in the heat of the moment it does feel justifiable due to the fact there is a weighted topic about mysoginy and how it's kept women down for, well, forever.

[u/StreetCollar2708 → u/ImpossibleGarlic7472]

I mean, I know that's start the initial words say... but that's not what the story I'm reading conveys. To me, she regrets having her children more than anything.

[u/what-fresh-hells → u/ImpossibleGarlic7472]

That's not actually what she said though. She said her daughter shouldn't sacrifice her future for a man, like she did. She made a choice. She understands that that choice has led to lots of subsequent sacrifice that she didn't anticipate and doesn't always feel appreciated for. That doesn't mean she doesn't love her husband or her family. It means she doesn't want her daughter to make her decision withiut the benefit of her mother's hindsight.

Now, the conversation absolutely could have been had privately between mother and daughter. The delivery was obviously pointed and would knowingly hurt the father to hear. But it also sounds like not the first time she's tried to communicate this.

[u/977888 → u/what-fresh-hells]

It’s weird for her to talk about her sacrifice and not being appreciated while her husband literally sacrificed half his life for two decades so he could provide everything for her and their children while she secretly resented him the entire time.

[u/what-fresh-hells → u/977888]

What did he sacrifice? Yes he worked and supported them, but what did he actually give up? Or was this the career he was always going to pursue? And did he not get the family he wanted? He got to have both. Trying to frame him doing the thing he set out to do as his sacrifice is...something.

[u/977888 → u/what-fresh-hells]

…. He sacrificed half his life getting ready for work, commuting, working, likely taking work home with him at times.

Do you think he did it for the fun of it? She got to lay around and seethe about how terrible it is that she has to interact with her own children and fold some clothes while her husband gives up his life to buy her things.

It’s ridiculous to say 20 years of full time work isn’t a sacrifice but caring for the kids you wanted is.

[u/what-fresh-hells → u/977888]

He did those things in pursuit of his goals. She never got the opportunity to pursue her goals because his became and stayed the priority. That is the issue at hand.

[u/977888 → u/what-fresh-hells]

… it stayed the priority because the family wouldn’t survive without it.

I don’t think this man’s dream was to be a project manager. Most people don’t dream of a 9-5. We just work them to survive.

She gave up a concept. He gave up his literal life. It’s mind blowing that you think her sacrifice is greater.

[u/what-fresh-hells → u/977888]

I never compared their sacrifices. You are confla t ing him having worked hard with him sacrificing. The issue at hand was whose career goals got supported. Hers were sacrificed. His were not.

You dont know what the family could or would have survived. You cant know that from this post. What we do know is that the conversation was not had. Alternatives were not considered. Because her sacrifice became part of the fabric of their family. And at no point did he say, you know what, it's your turn. How can we make your dream happen?

Because its very easy for someone to sacrifice for you, for that sacrifice to get woven into "the way things work," and for that sacrifice to then become invisible to you. It becomes easy for a man to see his own hard work and not consider what enabled him to do that work.

It isnt a question of who sacrificed more. It's that she made what was supposed to be a small temporary sacrifice for their family. Along the way it became invisible. And she is hurt by that. And she wants to prevent her daughter from making the same mistake.

[u/977888 → u/what-fresh-hells]

Shouldn’t that be for the daughter to decide? She’s also not even facing the same choice the mom was. The post just says one school the daughter is considering is far away. Choosing a closer school doesn’t mean she’s giving anything up. Maybe if it’s some prestigious dream school she’s always wanted to go to, sure. But the post doesn’t indicate that to be the case. The daughter I’m even says it would be nice to be around all her loved ones, not just her boyfriend.

It feels like the mom is just trying to use it as an opportunity to unload an unrelated frustration.

The mom is just really weird for telling her family, that she chose to make, that she resents them essentially for existing.

I understand the wife’s point where she said “you made sure saying yes would destroy the system”, and that to me was the most profound thing she said. But that’s an unfair accusation when it doesn’t seem to be the case that she ever expressed a desire to go back to school beyond subliminal messaging. We don’t know the arguments they had in which the husband said he would change, and there is not indication they’re about this specific issue.

She’s saying her husband trapped her, but all signs point to her having trapped herself. She married him. She had multiple children. She doesn’t appear to have voiced her dissatisfaction beyond complaining about chores for 20 years. She made all these choices and now wants to blame someone else for feeling unfulfilled.

It’s just mean-spirited.

[u/what-fresh-hells → u/977888]

She didn't say any of those things. You're inferring a lot and then judging her for what you've inferred. That's what is weird.

[u/complexdevoid → u/ImpossibleGarlic7472]

It is direct .. how else could she share her experience. In fact it was valid all around given the context of the conversation