Regrets And Perspectives

[u/Timbucktwo1230]

[u/Dddddd92]

Having children and a family and sometimes even a partner means sacrificing somethings and making choices. The mother wants the daughter the choose better than she did. She is completely valid in her perspective

[u/Salt-Lingonberry-853 → u/Dddddd92]

OK, but what the wife said is still incredibly toxic and I cannot fathom why this sub is so reluctant to call that out. It's literally blatant. She didn't sacrifice for her husband, she sacrificed for herself and her family.

[u/Separate-Taste3513 → u/Salt-Lingonberry-853]

But she sacrificed. What did her husband sacrifice? Did her labor allow him to pursue his career without focusing equal attention and energy to his home and children?

It's toxic because it's hurtful, right? She was hurt by those circumstances and lost opportunities while he was allowed to pursue his goals. What did he do to help her achieve HER goals?

[u/Free-Mongoose-1983 → u/Separate-Taste3513]

Maybe she should have communicated with her husband and stopped having more kids or not had kids at all. Abortions and birth control exist. This was completely avoidable but she chose to not say anything and harbor resentment for something he didn't intend to do for 20 years.

[u/Separate-Taste3513 → u/Free-Mongoose-1983]

Are abortion and birth control options for everyone at every time?

From this post, we know that abortion was not considered a viable option because the choice made by both of them was to "postpone" her educational goals.

They absolutely should have communicated better and more openly. They should have planned better before and after that particular pregnancy. Lots of shoulds, woulds, and coulds. The result, however, is a woman who was not helped in the pursuit of her own personal fulfillment and a man who never even considered she needed any help.

[u/Frylock_dontDM → u/Separate-Taste3513]

Kids go to school.

You have about 7hrs uninterrupted a day after the kids turn about 5-6yrs old to be able to attend school.

This is not a hard situation to overcome in the least.

The AI that wrote this forgot to include a reason she couldn't study in her mid twenties when the kids went to school.

Speaking as someone who went back to school and got a second degree in my mid twenties, 3 classes at a time isn't a huge deal, and it's college, no one cares that much if you miss a class or 3, as long as you get the work done

[u/Free-Mongoose-1983 → u/Separate-Taste3513]

Even if abortion wasn't available for the first. They continued to have kids. Birth control exists, condoms are extremely cheap and accessible, they should've used them. They should've used it for the first child as well. Family planning is done by intelligent people.

Ultimately this is the fault of the woman for not communicating and expecting her husband to read her mind. Why is she wasting time giving him "hints" instead of being direct. But ultimately it doesn't matter because the post is fake and written by a bot

[u/throwawayshmoaway411 → u/Separate-Taste3513]

Well, seeing as Roe v Wade has only been overturned for like a year, and this couple has been married for 20 years, yes, abortion and birth control were both options available to them.

[u/HaYuFlyDisTang → u/Separate-Taste3513]

He sacrificed spending time with his family to support his family financially.

She sacrificed supporting her family financially to spend time with her family.

Both sacrificed something, and both provided for their family.

One apparently resents the deal and values a missed opportunity at a career more than spending time with the family they chose to have and also having a partner willing to sacrifice time with their family to make it all possible financially.

Family is everything. Work is a means to that end.

[u/Separate-Taste3513 → u/HaYuFlyDisTang]

So, he didn't get time with his family after work? He didn't make time for his family on the weekends? No, he didn't sacrifice time with his family in a manner equivalent to "postponing" continued education indefinitely.

Work is a necessity. Money is a necessity. Someone will have to work to support a family. That's an inescapable truth.

The problem is that he made no effort to ensure that she was able to pursue her own personal fulfillment, which he obviously derived from his career.

When you make one person sacrifice personal fulfillment for the sake of the family without ever extending any effort to help them pursue it while simultaneously benefiting from that sacrifice by pursuing your own goals, you don't get to claim you lost time with them as a sacrifice.

[u/01zorro1 → u/Separate-Taste3513]

i would rather postpone my education indefinitely than to work a fisical job while my whole family depends on only my money to survive, you cant imagine the ammount of stress and pain it can cause you, you cant be with your family, you talk with your boss, with your coworkers more than with your own children because you have to work 50+hours per week, its exausting and heartbreaking

[u/Separate-Taste3513 → u/01zorro1]

So is staying home so your spouse can work.

[u/01zorro1 → u/Separate-Taste3513]

yes, you get it, both sacrificed and both suffered, you do understand it!

[u/Separate-Taste3513 → u/01zorro1]

Except one gets to derive personal satisfaction, prestige, social status, and a variety of benefits from working while Mom is just doing her duty for her family.

Oh, and probably doing it wrong, somehow. The house isn't clean enough, or too clean. The meals aren't good enough. She's too controlling or permissive.

[u/confirmedshill123 → u/Separate-Taste3513]

Dude if I could drop my career entirely and stay home with my kid I would do so in an instant.

Just because I have a career doesn't mean I'm happy about it or wouldn't rather just be with my kid, but it's a sacrifice I have to make to make enough money to live.

Also this shit is fake as fuck.

[u/01zorro1 → u/Separate-Taste3513]

"Except one gets to derive personal satisfaction, prestige" what personal satisfaction? unless he is a workoholinc that doesnt love his family, i would rather be with my children and wife than with my asshole coworkers
and again, we go arround and arround, i listed a lot of points on why working is not the magic land of the fun in my first coment
is that hard for you to understand that both sides sacrificed, and both sides have it hard? really?

[u/gobby94 → u/01zorro1]

Don’t worry, this woman’s unhinged. Sleep well knowing she probably won’t.

[u/gobby94 → u/Separate-Taste3513]

You should talk to someone…

[u/Separate-Taste3513 → u/gobby94]

Maybe you should. Like, your mom. Or your grandma. Or your aunt. Or any of the women in the generation before you.

[u/gobby94 → u/Separate-Taste3513]

I have! My grandma had a fantastic career. She had to retire early because of heart problems. But even on her deathbed she said she never felt she sacrificed or missed out on anything in her life, with the exception of her health (diet related).
My mom, not so much - but nothing to do with giving anything up for children.
You should try talking to any human being, but I challenge you to do it in person :-) good luck, think you’ll need it!

[u/Magnon → u/Separate-Taste3513]

At least based on the context we have here she was never forbidden from pursuing nursing or what ever, she never brought up that she'd like to return to it. How would he know going back to nursing was still a significant goal for her if she never talked about it?

[u/Salt-Lingonberry-853 → u/Separate-Taste3513]

No one is disputing that being a stay at home mom has downstream effects, don't deflect the conversation. She is blaming the husband for JOINT decisions that she took part in.

[u/Specific_Box4483 → u/Separate-Taste3513]

I don't know about this AI family's situation, but for most men, working long hours isn't a dream life either. Perhaps he would have enjoyed life a bit more if he had to spent less time at work, and more time with the children, and she would have done the same.

As for "what did he do to help her achieve HER goals", it's not his fault she didn't explain what her goals actually were. She was acting against her own goals by withholding communication, and possibly having more children than was feasible for her own goals. And now she blames her husband.

[u/AnonymousTHX-1138 → u/Separate-Taste3513]

Why do people like you depict "a career" as some amazing wonderful benefit, instead of the burdensome responsibility it is? The blatant mischaracterization of a man's life so that you can character assassinate him is just despicable.