I am a grown Iranian woman in my 20s. I came to Canada when I was 18 years old to start university and a new life. It was hard, but I pushed through and did great. I was so grateful to my parents for using their resources to have me leave and start my life in a better country where I could have a future. After a few years, my dad lost his business and told me I needed to get a roommate, leave my room, give it to my sibling and start living in the living room. My sister was coming to start school, and my dad couldn't afford to have us live separately.
A bit of backstory: my sister and I are not close and have never been. We cannot even keep a conversation, and it can get hostile really quickly. Growing up, I always had to be "patient", "understanding," and "the mature one". For example, she would come to my room, make noises and disrupt my peace, and I would desperately try to kick her out. My mom gave me hell for it. I used to sketch on paper and sometimes she would calm, ruin my sketch by adding stuff to it. I would get so upset because she ruined my hard work. My mom would dismiss it and say, "She is a child; it's not that much of a big deal". We used to have an internet modem, and for a while, reception was bad. I had a bad day at school. I came home to bury myself in the internet and forget about reality for a minute. She had taken the modem in their room, and reception was bad for me. I knocked on her bedroom door and asked for it. She would not give it. My mom gave me such a hard time, saying, "It doesn't matter ur going to Canada; leave it be".
In general, my mom invested so much in me. She got me the most clothes, she paid for my tuition sessions with private tutors, and she put me in the best schools. But she dismissed small things like that when it came to having issues with my sister. She considered them "small". My resentment that I subconsciously buried got built up, but I tried to back off and keep my mouth shut because "I was going to Canada".
My mom was the first child, and she was a mother to her 8 siblings. In her head, she wanted me to be a second mother to my sister because "she is the youngest". She would always say, "Do you even realize how lucky u are, imagine rasing ur siblings". My mom never got to go to university, and she had to be the cook, cleaner and nursemaid for all her siblings. She didn't want that for me, which is why she advocated so hard so i could go to Canada. But she also tied me to my sister. One of her favourite lines was "You have only one sister; why can't you tolerate her?". She said she says the same thing to my sister, but to be honest, I dont believe her. Even if she did, it never worked. My sister never cooperated or collaborated with me. During our teenage years, my sister and I really, really fell apart and distance/cold behaviour started to form between us. My mom always blamed me for it because "I wouldn't tolerate her, be patient or kind with her". I was bullied a lot in school when I was a child. Eventually, I ended up with this mindset that I didn't want anyone anymore, and I wanted to be by myself. The internet was my coping mechanism. My only friend. My only joy. I didn't even have patience with my sister when she wanted to come to my room and be with me. Most of the time, she touched my stuff or would disrupt something. I would beg her to leave, and she wouldn't. I kicked her out. Eventually, she didn't come to my room anymore. She grew distant and cold, and I went my own way. I got the blame for it, but I didn't care.
I remember a painful memory when my mom told me the time she was coming, and she said my sister doesnt have enough winter clothes for when she comes. I went out like a stupid, excited puppy and bought a bunch of stuff with beautiful colours for her and showed her through WhatsApp pictures that night. Her only response was, "I don't need clothes, i have them". I was so miserable and upset. I called my mom and told her what she told me. My mom said, "Oh, keep them; she is dumb. She doesn't know these clothes are necessary for her. She is being stupid". I got even more mad when my mom dismissed how coldheartedly my sister acted to wards and I told my mom "You don't get to put big sister feelings on me and then have me be humiliated by someone who doesnt care that I went to the store excitedly to buy them something and got rejected"
I still get mad when I think about it. Typing all of these makes me emotionally drained. I feel cold, empty, angry and exhausted. Another time, she wasn't properly communicating with me about the documents she had before taking the plane to Canada. I asked my mom if my sister carried a specific document, which, of course, my mom didn't know about. My heart dropped, and I started panicking, thinking, "Why the fuck, she doesnt communicate with me? this is very seriously" I went ballistic over the phone with my mother. She hung up the phone on me and she said "I don't know what is wrong with you, go show urself to a doctor". When my sister woke up, she sent me the document and said, "oh yes, the lawyer showed this to me; I have it" . The whole night I was dying of stress, thinking, "oh my God, she is not gonna go be let through the borders, she will be wasting the ticket money etc etc.. basically stressing that my parents are wasting so much bc she will be rejected cuz she doesnt have the right document "
Living with her was hell. Im tired of ranting.
Now that I am a professional, my mother came while ago to visit me. In the beginning, everything was fine. I would take her place, entertain her and do everything with her. Eventually, it became an expectation that I had to do everything with her, basically. To the point that I feel guilty when I go out alone by myself. I recently got my room back and wanted to put stuff in my bedroom. At first, i though, hmm, I will put my mom's luggage under it. But then I thought, I want to put my stuff under it. My mom gave me the puppy eyes and now im overthinking everything. Should i make her upset put my own stuff under my own bed or should I leave her luggages be there. My mom was suppose to be with me for a few months, but then the war happened. She is been here for 2 years now. Im so tired. I want my own space. I want my own life. I have got to the point where hearing her voice every day annoys/bothers me. She does all the cooking, cleaning and washing my laundry. I am grateful, but at the same time sometimes it feels like a trap. She is more clingy to me. Even my younger sister is not as close to her. I feel so angry just thinking about this. I lash out at her when she moves something in my kitchen. When she moves stuff here and there, I get so angry. Like seriously, this is my kitchen. Go back to ur husband. I feel so guilty for typing this. The breaking moment was when, one time she I was sitting on the couch next to her. I put my leg on top her leg. She told me she feels so calm and relaxed when I physically touch her or even sleep next to her. During travel or trips we sometimes slept in the same bed together and she would tell me she would sleep faster when I was by her side. I didn't feel flattered. I felt disgusted instead. I felt annoyed. I felt empty. In my mom, I thought, "She is using me to provide emotional comfort for herself. She has no other love or emotional comfort than me". I hate that. It bothers me a lot. I am so depressed over this. I desperately want to move on. Recover, have my own life and be myself. I dont want to feel guilty for not going out with her every time, or inconvenience myself every time for her comfort. Even if I go to the bakery and buy myself something quick, I think to myself, "Oh, I should also get one for mom". Literally, I feel like her mother sometimes. She didn't have good parents; she didn't have a loving husband. I feel like the only love she has is through me, but she also made decisions that impacted my mental health. I love her, but I dont feel anything anymore. I feel like a mother who impregnated nonconsensually, suffered so much through the pregnancy and had a horrible birth. Even though I have this baby now that will love me like no other and relies on me, I deep down dont feel anything. I dont if this is depression or what, but it got to the point where I resent her for trying to do housework for me.
I dont want to be a victim. I dont want to be angry or resentful. I need proper therapy, but few people understand this and know how to help me. This is cultural. I feel like I portray myself as an abused victim in this story, which makes me feel ashamed. My parents paid for my prestigious education and gave me the life I live now. But I just hate it. Is it so wrong not to want to be a parent to my own mom? Is it so wrong to want my own space? My mom is not going back home anytime soo because we dont want is going to happen or of USA is going to attack again. Im tired. Im miserable. I'm in my 20s and feel so drained. I desperately want my own life. I know I won't have my mom forever. But I dont know I just tired. Like seriously, I even started to write this post right now because I was cleaning my room and I wanted to put my own stuff under my bed. I started contemplating whether I should just leave my mother's stuff under there, feel hateful towards her and eventually, at some point, lash out later. Or should i set myself free, tolerate her puppy sad eyes and have myself feel better about taking my personal space back?
I have ADHD, and I tend to bury my emotions unintentionally under a face of stoicism/resilience, and then when something else happens, I lash out for everything.
I want to respect my mom..but im tired. Please help me
