She was only 7 and it happened so suddenly. Sena (my husky) had pyometra 9 days ago and had to get spayed. The operation went well, she was lively and everything seemed fine.
Until Thursday night. Me, my brother and our girlfriends were downstairs playing cards, Sena jumped on the couch next to me and was being super affectionate. As we were playing she placed her head on my shoulder. I was so engrossed in our game I thought nothing of it. But she never does that, that was the first sign.
Into our game I lean forward and her head slips off my shoulder behind my back. I replay that moment so many times it breaks my heart. After about 5 minutes she lets out a cry. We all turn. We can see she’s in pain as she slowly collapses. I panic and so does everyone. My instincts are running wild “check her pulse, do cpr, put her on the floor” I pick her up and tell my brother to start the car. In my panic I thought if I get her to the emergency vets (it’s 9pm) things will be fine.
As I approach the car Sena urinates on me so I place her in the boot. I see she’s not breathing I think to myself “do CPR” but I convinced myself if I get her to the vets quick enough she will be fine. My brother gives me the keys and my girlfriend is already in the back waiting. I just take off without a second thought. A minute into the drive I think to myself “why the fuck have I put my dog in the boot” I pull over take her out and give her to my girlfriend in the back as tell her to do her best and provide CPR.
In the end it took around 10 minutes to reach the vets. I was too late she had already died and they couldn’t revive her despite their efforts.
I replay and replay events in my head so much it makes my heart ache. Why didn’t my brother drive, why didn’t I try CPR, why why why. The vets suggest a post-mortem examination to determine what caused her death but I wanted to bury her body in my garden but that wouldn’t be an option if she got an exam.
I spent a day thinking on it while I left her body at the vets and I couldn’t bare the idea of waiting 1-2 weeks for results that wouldn’t change the fact she’s dead. The decision gave me comfort. I took her body home from the vets and toiled away digging her grave with my brother. It was so painful seeing her cold lifeless body in our garden but that garden was filled with so many memories and it was where she grew up.
I’m happy about choosing to bury her as I feel some closure but I’ll never get the answers as to why.
I can’t think, my head hurts, I’m in agony and I want nothing more than to see her again and be with her. I have so much support around me but my emotions are so overwhelmed that I want to sleep and never wake up again. I miss her so much. I knew this day would come but not like this. I’m crying writing this but I needed to let it out, it gives me comfort knowing I’m not alone in the way I feel and people all around the world feel the way I do. But it’s not easy. It’s excruciating. I blame myself. I blame the world. I love you Sena. My wonderful companion. I will see you again.