r/PoursTea • u/Timbucktwo1230 🫖 Mod ☕️ • 13h ago

FeministTea👩🏻‍🎓👩🏿‍⚖️👠🥾 Regrets And Perspectives

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u/Wolfegarde 9h ago

This is what resentment turns into. She sacrificed all those things in order to give her husband everything he wanted. The resentment forms when the sacrifice isn’t acknowledged. He sees it as mutual. She didn’t. They didn’t properly communicate, for any number of reasons.

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u/Chuckfinley_88 6h ago

She sacrificed all those things in order to give her husband everything he wanted.

We are assuming this is everything he wanted with 0 evidence. In fact, he talks about sacrificing time with his children so that he could provide for the family.

They didn’t properly communicate, for any number of reasons.

I agree with this.

But the bigger factor is babies having babies. This forced a decision on them that meant that some party was going to be unhappy or resentful because the children weren't planned. The truth is, for their own happiness, they should have had an abortion, or to suck up and realize that they both made these choices and it is shitty of her to dump all this on him.

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u/[deleted] 9h ago

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/lck0219 8h ago

I think the point is that she made the initial sacrifice, and momentum carried them along the rest of the way. She knew it, he was oblivious.

Sometimes you can continue on the path you’re on because it makes sense, but know that it’s not the original path you planned and that can be a little upsetting- even if you’re content enough where you are.

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u/MardocAgain 7h ago

All of that is fair, but finally speaking up 18 years later to shit on your husband to your daughter speaks volumes about the quality of communication in this marriage.

I dont think anyone is the good guy here. Marriage takes work and that work is often ugly fights and unpleasant nights as both partners need to stand up for themselves while also being understanding of the others needs.

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u/Chuckfinley_88 6h ago

momentum carried them along the rest of the way. She knew it, he was oblivious.

a) momentum didn't carry it. at any point she could have tried to get off that ride. piling more kids on really fucked that up, which if everything I am being told is true, it "takes two to tango" but it is the woman's decision on whether or not to have an abortion and nothing a man can do can change that.

b) If she knew it, and didn't say anything, she is complicit as well. Dumping on her kids that their father robbed her of choice, is a really, really shitty way to parent and a super great way of making your partner feel like a complete piece of shit and make your kids resent their father. Great job!

I would imagine anyone doing this is 100% an emotionally manipulating asshole. Just like my mom!

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u/JustAnotherLurkAcct 8h ago

It's inappropriate to be essentially blaming these choices in her husband and the children in front of them though.
Now they both probably feel like crap due to her bitterness.

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u/Remote_Ad_7058 8h ago

She has her own agency/freewill and she should have communicated her wants/needs like an adult. Perhaps they should divorce if the resentment is too large to get past? Then she can finally go to nursing school! No one to blame anymore! I hate learned helplessness.

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u/bannana 6h ago

I think the point is that she made the initial sacrifice

did he ask her to do that, did they even talk about having a baby in the first place? the whole scenario could have been avoided if they hadn't gotten pregnant so soon.

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u/Aware-Awareness-9616 8h ago

It still reads as helplessness and entitlement. She is actively blaming marrying him and having kids on why she couldn’t do nursing school. As if so many of us don’t do school while we are parents. Planning takes bth parties, if she didn’t communicate that she wanted to figure out nursing school, and now she is resentful, she would likely benefit from therapy to help her take some ownership over her life and work on her communication. But making her husband feel guilty and throwing random snarky comments berating her daughter’s father because of her being born, is just immature and unnecessary

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u/lck0219 6h ago

I don’t read it as helplessness. I read it as regret over what could have been, despite a life well lived. Emotions are nuanced and complex

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u/BabyRex- 8h ago

Are you under the impression abortion is an option for everyone? “She didn’t have to have kids” is a very privileged hot take.

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u/whiter4bbitz 8h ago

Birth control in any form could have been a choice. Unless the husband forced her to have more kids she could have said not to have anymore and gone to school.

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u/h3lium-balloon 7h ago

My wife and I have managed to not got pregnant for 22 years (since we specifically did not want kids). A vasectomy is about a grand out of pocket and if you have good insurance it will sometimes be partially covered.

Condoms + some form of hormonal BC are pretty much 100%

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u/Jumpy_Prize 6h ago

Pretty much is not 100%. Companies and doctors do not make 100% claims for a reason. The reason is because they cannot account for all forms or reasons of failure. You're anecdotal evidence does not stand up next to actual medical studies that repeatedly state there is no 100% effective method of contraception apart from abstinence.

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u/h3lium-balloon 6h ago

From a strictly mathematical standpoint, you’re getting close to 99.99% effective when combining properly used condoms with properly used hormonal contraception methods. Which would be 1 in 1000 women becoming pregnant over the course of a year employing these methods.

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u/Jumpy_Prize 6h ago

Which with say roughly 800 million women worldwide using doctor offered methods of contraception, 1 in a 1000 is quite a lot of babies and still not 100%.

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u/Dear-Pomegranate4470 7h ago

It's almost like birth control isn't 100% effective and in reality you have no idea whether or not they used anything.

I'm sorry, but I'm so sick of people assuming protection wasn't used if there is a pregnancy. It implies that all methods of birth control cannot fail and that is NOT the kind of misinformation that should spread any further.

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u/Majestic_True_Lilly 7h ago

Lmfaoroflcopter

Ragebait effectiveness level: users are now making up backstory for a fake post to justify their own outrage

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u/Dear-Pomegranate4470 7h ago edited 5h ago

Sorry, who made up a backstory? My whole point is that we DO NOT know the backstory or what method was used, lol!

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u/spacer9631 7h ago

Lol what a deluded take. FYI birth control is 100% effective when used correctly. The 99% effective is just people doing dumb shit like missing dosages, breaking or using expired condoms.

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u/Jumpy_Prize 7h ago

That's not true at all and no company selling any type of birth control would make it. Most claim between 95-99% with perfect use. There's so many things that can go wrong from drug interactions, undetected movement for coils to illnesses that even when used perfectly no contraceptives have 100% coverage. People have given birth with the coil stuck to their babies because it failed. A mild stomach bug or any number of medications can lower the effectiveness of oral contraceptives. In date condoms break or can slip. Even sterilisation and vasectomies can heal. There's no such thing as 100% contraceptives in straight relationships there is only abstinence which is not usually acceptable in marriages.

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u/spacer9631 7h ago

All of this sounds like user error

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u/Jumpy_Prize 6h ago

A coils and IUDs are placed by trained medical staff and sterilisations and vasectomies healing are not error or controllable by the person getting them.

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u/Dear-Pomegranate4470 7h ago edited 5h ago

First of all, which method specifically are you talking about? Because the shot, the patch, the pill, condoms, etc. all have different statistics in regards to failure. Would you like to do some research and try again when you are better informed?

Edited to fix an unfortunate typo that was a slur🥲 I am so sorry.

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u/spacer9631 6h ago

Do I look like your personal researcher?

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u/Dear-Pomegranate4470 5h ago

Did you... Not read what I wrote? I am aware of the research. You are not, or you would have named the specific form of birth control along with the statistics for that specific type. You have some reading to do, good luck!

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u/spacer9631 5h ago

Yes I did, you can look up those birth controls and look up why theyre not 100% effective. Its because of human error.

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u/JalapenoPopPoop 6h ago

The chances of their baby coming from the extremely slim 0.001% chance of both birth control and a condom failing aren't worth assuming that was the case in this scenario

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u/Dear-Pomegranate4470 5h ago

How do you know what forms they used?

That's not the correct number for condoms, but it is closer to the number for the pill.

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u/GetInTheHole 6h ago

How about 3 kids.

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u/Sideview_play 7h ago

she also didnt have to keep getting pregnant. i also think its a weird way to view work as "having value" . most people just see work as a means to an end or having to provide for yourself or others. there's also ways to take course online etc. my family was unwealthy enough to where my mom HAD to work with 3 kids. we all make our choices. we all decide to communicate what we want or not. internally deciding "oh we cant" without a direct conversation with your husband about that want in 19 years is kinda trash.

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u/throwawayshmoaway411 6h ago

Let's break it down since you're having trouble.

This couple: married for 20 years

Roe v Wade: overturned 1 year ago

So yes, abortion was absolutely an option for them.

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u/BabyRex- 5h ago

Yall know other countries exist right?

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u/Aware-Awareness-9616 6h ago edited 6h ago

This all happened allegedly years ago as the kids now are adults. And yes it was available to everyone back then
It’s also hilarious for you call this a privileged take as though each abortion want a painful and difficult decision that I made because I knew that we couldn’t afford more kids.

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u/BabyRex- 6h ago

Having choices is incredibly privileged.

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u/Aware-Awareness-9616 6h ago

Now you’re just being obtuse and I am done trying to help you understand. We all have choices, every single one of us, including you, me, and even people in prison. Own your life and choices instead of playing victim

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u/JalapenoPopPoop 6h ago

Yeah my main issue with this is she acts like she wasn't involved in the decision making here at all and the husband forced this path of life on her. She's the one that decided to keep having kids, its her body her choice, and having a kid means you can't really afford to be paying for one person to be going through grad school at the same time that makes life so much harder. And what was the husband supposed to do, he was the breadwinner, he was the one responsible for paying for all these increasing expenses. If she wanted to go to school that badly she could have put having kids on hold for 4 years and done so and then actually had a career for herself where she could have provided as well

Especially the fact that she's acting like the husband getting promoted and advancing his career is resent worthy. What was he supposed to do, stay at the same wage and not progress at all even though 3 kids worth of expenses came along? That needs more money obviously he's gonna go for promotions, but she acts like thats him being selfish when in reality its just him living up to his part of the situation

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u/PoursTea-ModTeam 6h ago

Use of “clickbait”

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u/OldEquation 8h ago

I’m a man. Whilst having a career can be rewarding, when you are old and facing the end of your life, you wonder whether the stay-at-home parent actually had it better in the long run. The job won’t care when I’m dead and the kids will undoubtedly shed more tears at their mother’s funeral than at mine.

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u/Aware-Awareness-9616 8h ago

I don’t know because I’m not a stay at home parent, we both work full time and have since my son was in pre-k. Most people have to both work and being a SAHP is a luxury

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u/Icy-Ad29 6h ago

It's not always a "luxury." Sometimes the available jobs in the area pay less than the child care. This is how we ended up with a SAHP in my marriage for our kid.

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u/Aware-Awareness-9616 6h ago

I know this sounds crazy but that was our situation too and we just couldn’t get by with one income and also couldn’t afford child care, it made it tricky (opposite schedules helps) but it’s still possible

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u/Icy-Ad29 6h ago

Oh not saying it's crazy. Childcare is crazy expensive, and how to handle it is a difficult and complex decision that all sides need to come to a solution on, together. Was just pointing out being a SAHP isn't guaranteed to be a luxury. It can just be how one has to handle it.

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u/Ill_Morning_4282 7h ago

Abortion isn't always an option, she never completely blames her being a mother on him, she points out how it impacted her more then him.

Sure they should have communicated more but sadly that level of communication being encouraged is a newer thing.

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u/familiarspark 9h ago

Totally agree.

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u/CrowsInTheNose 5h ago

She chose to have children then blames him because she didn't follow her dreams. Get the abortion ladies.

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u/Ok-Midnight9311 8h ago

I mean….in the beginning it’s not everything he wanted. It was the only option. It’s not his fault men don’t get pregnant. (I know it’s Reddit but that still isnt a thing). Someone had to make money. Seems like she wanted him to read her mind. “I’ve been saying it in small ways for year s” is BS.

She also could have said it in a way that didn’t tear down their dad in front of her.

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u/Jormungandr315 8h ago

But this line of thinking also frames him working a job as selfish. That it is a reward, or a luxary, for him. Working is a thing that most people HATE doing. It is a stressor for many people. I can imagine it never felt like a luxury for him.

Yes, there is the argument that as she was "denied" the opportunity to work, it would seem a luxury to her. However, that argument can also be levied on her. How many women would count her ability to be a stay at home as a luxury?

This is a conversation that should have been had over a decade ago, because this IS how resentment builds. Her feelings are valid, but that doesn't mean the "hints" made them obvious.

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u/brainymonday 8h ago

I have a feeling the complaints are more about his lack of contribution to the household as an equal partner, due to his belief that his only job is to “provide” financially.

Many working men with stay at home wives assume their wife will take care of the kids and house 24/7 and don’t bother to do household tasks when they return home. So somehow they get to work 8-5, relax at night and weekends, and the SAHM basically works 24/7. THIS is what builds resentment, the fact that the unequal financial relationship leads to power imbalances within the family that pushes SAHMs to sacrifice quietly in a way that the working husband doesn’t have to. This is what the wife is warning the daughter about.

Women with truly equal partners do not complain about them.

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u/Antique_Confidence_7 8h ago

Women with truly equal partners do not complain about them.

What a ridiculous statement. Women are people, and people are often unfair, self-centered, and unreasonable.

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u/brainymonday 7h ago

Redditors are people, and people are often unfair, self-centered, and unreasonable.

I suppose one could go around invalidating any of your viewpoints using your own argument.

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u/Antique_Confidence_7 7h ago

Ok? And how does that invalidate my statement exactly?

Maybe this reaction of yours is you being unfair, self-centered, and unreasonable?

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u/theWolf371 6h ago

She got the family she wanted. She chose to have a child. She then chose to have another. She could have made different choices.

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u/bannana 6h ago edited 6h ago

She sacrificed all those things in order to give her husband everything he wanted.

did she though? she was pregnant and would be missing school when she had the baby - who would be funding her school and the household after a new baby arrived? And then they went and got pregnant again right after when she still didn't have a degree or job prospects. Again, who would be funding all of this if he stayed home with the kids while she went to school? maybe they should have put off getting pregnant in the first place.

FeministTea👩🏻‍🎓👩🏿‍⚖️👠🥾 Regrets And Perspectives

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