IMPORTANT: PLEASE READ BEFORE PROCEEDING

I write a dark fantasy novel in 48000 words. Is there any chance of publishing the book?

Hello, everyone! I've recently finished my final pass on my book, and I would love some eyes on the start of my first chapter before I think about a potential fourth pass or maybe the start of querying. Are there any tips I could get on prose? I would also love thoughts on the pacing of my chapter one, and if you would like to read more. I have pretty thick skin, so feel free to be as blunt as needed. If you stopped reading, I would love to know where, and more importantly, why.

Cheers!

Everyone has somewhere they belong.
Some belong in busy cities.
Some in quiet neighborhoods.
Some are far from where they thought they’d be.
And some belong in places you’d never think to look.
— In Somnolent, Somewhere —
Episode 1 – The Human Monster Exchange Program
Emily walked through the hall of her new school, her shiny black shoes clacking with each step against the tiled floor. The corridors seemed too short, with turns too often. The red lockers were beaten down, and the doorways to each classroom all looked identical, as if she were walking in circles, though she knew she was not.
Emily was an exchange student, and she had arrived for her first day in the middle of class in the middle of the semester. Opening the door didn’t draw the attention of any students, nor the teacher, who continued droning on in muffled words she couldn’t make out from the back. Her classmates, however, held the fascination of Emily, for she was not an ordinary exchange student but an exchange student from the world of humans. And this was her first time setting eyes on monsters.
A unicorn with a mane like colorful yarn. A mass of bubbles in humanoid form. A room full of creatures, each one unique. Emily took her seat and began taking notes, careful not to stare at her peers around her.
By lunch, rumors had already begun to spread. According to any monster you could apparently ask, the new exchange student already had a boyfriend. Emily, of course, was not informed of the rumors being spread about her and went about eating her sandwich obliviously.
She had befriended a monster named Amber, who could be mistaken for a human in a felt suit of a monkey, if not for the dexterous facial expressions that looked so uncanny. Amber asked about the human world, and Emily asked about the monster world, and each shared the information casually.
“Well, I think it’s a lot more colorful here,” Emily said with practiced prose. “And the smell is wonderful, like being in a forest and an antique shop both at once.”
“So it stinks in the human world? HA!” Amber had a blunt and brass voice.
“Sometimes.”
Emily, back in class, took note of the teacher in the front. He had on a wrinkled button-up shirt like all the other teachers and a much-too-large head with a mouth and eyes that never moved. His nose stuck straight out, sharp and pointed a foot or more from his face. Emily wondered why all the teachers looked the same when the students were all so unique.
Her curiosities were quickly taken aside when she heard what the students beside her were whispering.
“Yeah, she’s already got a boyfriend. And he’s that total jerk.”
From their glances she could tell they were talking about her, and Emily found this perturbing. Just who was this monster she was supposedly dating? And was he really a jerk? She didn’t quite like jerks.
As the day went on, the stories of Emily and her boyfriend had ascended from whispered rumor to solidified fact to be stated directly to her face. She simply nodded slowly, unsure of what to do when this happened. Things seemed to move quite quickly in the world of monsters, something she had hoped was different from how things were back home.
Emily took a moment to herself alone in the back of class between periods. She sat looking at the class pet, a paper-thin creature in black and white, with a tail made of curls, and six or sometimes more legs that didn’t seem to operate by any logic. Comparing it to creatures Emily knew, it seemed closest to a goat and a fox, though at the same time entirely unlike them. The teacher had explained during class that this was a wild animal from the second dimension, theorized to come from the other side of the universe.
“How unfair it is to keep you in a cage like this,” Emily said to the beast, mimicking the type of monologue she had watched in old movies in her younger years. “You’re just a monster too, no different from the rest of them…”
She lifted the hatch, and the creature walked out of its cage.
One moment the students were chattering and walking through the halls, and the next, total chaos erupted as the door to one specific classroom came blowing off the hinges. The two-dimensional beast went charging through the halls, knocking over students and running up the walls.
“SOMEBODY CATCH IT!” a staff member yelled.
Students began jumping and charging at the beast as it effortlessly dodged their attempts at capture. One student crashed clear through a wall headfirst. And one other student, who was of pitch-black nature, seemed to be jumping and running along with the beast rather than trying to catch it.
Eventually the class pet returned to its cage on its own and used its nose to latch itself back in.
Emily was mortified at what she had caused, though it wasn’t all bad, as nobody mentioned her mysterious boyfriend again. The class pet had made enough of a disruption to the day that people seemed to forget who Emily was entirely, and Emily was quite comfortable with that.
Oh, and she met that monster who was supposedly a total jerk. He was normal.

This is the first chapter of my (finally completed!) first draft. It follows Kanina, a twelve year old girl who begs on the streets outside of Lyovel, a trading city on the edge of a jungle.

The biggest two questions I have are:
1. Would you continue into the next chapter?

1. Did anything come across as overwrought, especially with regard to Thanen?

I know it’s slow but I wrote it that way on purpose if you enjoy slow methodical turtle like expansions in plot and character progression, let me know what you think about half of chapter one

I'm writing a story and looking for any feedback on it. Politeness and positivity aren't required, just an honest opinion:

https://medium.com/@seva79940/seven-days-of-lilly-page-day-one-c5ec3847b270

So I have a very specific I guess vision in my mind for this poem, but I’m not sure it’s very clear right now. If you could just give it a quick read and tell me what you think it’s about that would help me out a lot since I seem to be becoming blind when it comes to my own writing.

Dear,

Yesterday I saw a girl in yellow stars
Though they shone more like clouds
She made them herself

Today I wore yellow
She said she liked it
Her voice sounds like clouds

That day, I lay on a bed of grass
And cloud-watched
Pretty greys and darling pinks
I could almost reach up and
Eat it
Like cotton candy

Mom, do you see what I see?
I reached for the stars
Close your eyes, she said
The sun was going to turn me blind

Hi! I've been working on this story with my sister for a while, and it feels like it's finally time for some feedback. We don't have a social circle, so we'd love to get your opinion on the start of our story and see if it's at least appealing to read. I included the first five pages, but I'm not sure how far you all would like to read!

Sorry if the font size is a little small. I had some difficulty getting snapshots off my doc.

(PS, we started this out as a podcast a few years ago, under the name The Foxkey Chronicles, What Hides Beneath. In case, by some weird chance, you recognize some of it!)

Hi everyone!
I have been working on this story for almost two years and am looking for feedback!

Would you keep reading?
Where did you skim?
Is the voice strong?

Here is the link to my story! It is in a google doc.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-s7BxzUToCh5t_3aLJDUeHck44vs8ar1PS3VkyWy1So/edit?usp=drivesdk

This is exposure therapy for me as I have a novel that I’d love feedback on but am too scared to post it on here so I figured I’d post something I’ve spent less time on!

I hate squirrels. Always have and always will and I don’t feel the need to elaborate. 
No one likes squirrels. At least no one with any sense to them. Squirrels are dirty. They are thieves. They are malicious. They take what the want and I simply hate them. 

Oz is the opposite of a squirrel. In so many ways but the most important is that I do not hate him. He is my one true love always has been and always will be. He is the sun and I am the moon. That’s what I tell him, even though he insists it isn’t true. 

He says, instead, that I am the moon and he is the ocean. His purpose is only to move if it pleases me. Of course I laughed in his poor doggy-loving-squirrel-feeding face. 
If I was the moon and he the ocean then our love would be nothing. What man would let a woman be his moon, let her drag him behind her like a tissue at the bottom of her boot. A man should be the moon. Besides, if it were true and I was in control of my dear Oz then her certainly would not be sitting in my bed talking about god damn squirrels. 

“Montana are you listening to me,” he whines. 
I’m pouting and rolling my eyes. “Oz baby, no.” I huff. 
It’s his turn to roll his eyes, even as I’m facing the window and my back is to him I know him and I know he is rolling his eyes. 

He will now tell me how important it is to him that I listen to his stories and theories. 

“But my love, you said I was the moon and squirrels do not please me.” That’s what I’ve said in the past. I won’t bother today. He knows how I feel. 

It’s the fall now at Queens university. The leaves have changed colours and I can smell the crisp apples in the air. We’re seniors now, Oz and I. Being a senior really means nothing except really it means two things. 

One, we’re nearly graduates. 

And two, I get to watch the freshman look a fool around campus. 

I hate freshman. And I feel no need to elaborate. 
All this talk of squirels mean they’re constantly on my mind. Even now while I’m trying to enjoy watching the lost pouty freshman through the window all I see is one frail squirrel crawling weirdly up the tree. 

“Oz, look out the window my love. Your mistress awaits.” 
Then I’m off. He’ll stay busy enough watching the squirrels. 

I have nowhere to go really. I simply want out. I really do love Oz. He’s my Oz. My boy since I was little. We joke often that he was a gift to me when we were infants. Our mothers met somewhere I don’t care to remember and they spoke of their pregnancies and their list of baby names. My mother says the moment the name Oz was said I began to kick her so hard she nearly fell. 

I named him. 

He’s been mine since I was old enough to notice him. 
He’s a gentle caring boy who’s now a man. He’s tall and kind and patient. 

I am not. 

I am short and grumpy and anything but patient. 

And still, I love him and he loves me. 

And still, I need a break from his pleasantness every now and then. He doesn’t mind. 

My phone is ringing and I should ignore it. I should. I don’t. 

“Hello?” I asks impolitely. 

“Montana?” It’s Marianne, “is Oz with you? I have a question about something he said…” 

Natter Natter Natter.

“He’s in his dorm Marianne.” I growl. 

She can see him on her own. I trust my Oz. I have no interest in her question anyway. Surely it is something to do with the beasts Oz is always speaking of. 

I’m going anyway. Turning on my heels and walking back to Oz’s dorm. Marianne you’ve forced me to listen to more of this same old same old.  

She gets to the door at the same time as I do. I could bark at her if I wanted but I have manners so I don’t. I simply unlock the door and open it. 

“Oz. Marianne has a question for you.” 

He’s sitting at his desk, scribbling math equations and questions and doodles of acorns and winds and ocean and moons. He’s been working on this notebook for the last three months. Sometimes in the dead of night I hear his scribbles and mumbles from the desk. Sometimes… I wonder if he’s gone mad. Perhaps he has and I haven’t noticed or paid much attention. If that were true I’d shoot myself in the head. Besides, if he were going mad he would tell me. He tells me all things that’s what we do. 

“What is it?” he asks sharply. 

My eyebrow raises. My Oz never speaks sharply. His eyes are glued to his notebook, hands ferociously moving through the page. He is captivated by his work he cannot offer a sliver of attention to our friend. 

“Well. I remembered something you had said the other day.” Marianne starts hesitantly. “You mentioned bugs whose saliva would turn black.” 

I snuffle a laugh. Ridiculous. Not only does he speak of squirrels but the damn bugs as well. He is mad. 

At that, of course, he raises his head and turns to us, pencil down. “What do you know of the bug Marianne?” 

“They’re in my garden. Well I don’t know for sure. All I know is my windowsill garden had been growing cherry tomatoes. I saw a lady bug land on the vines except it was red and dotted black for a moment and then—“ 

“It turned all black? And the vines what of the vines Marianne?” 

“What of the vines? Who the hell cares? You will do without cherry tomatoes, the bugs are fine and the squirrels are—“ 

Prelude

Elaine couldn't breath. her throat felt... clogged. The harder she tried to breath, and couldn't, the harder she panicked. it was in the back of her throat. Past her uvulia. It felt like the thick, warm, mass was halfway to her stomach. It felt like she'd die before it reached.

Then, just when she'd given up hope. when Elaine was ready to die; she woke up. Her bed was soaked with what she hoped was sweat. She didn't judge anyone, espescially not for their sexual preferences... But she would be pissed if she found out she had a choking kink. Elaine was too clausturphobic for that type of thing.

She tried to run her fingers through her hair only to realize that her hair was a mess too. Great. She needed a shower. But Liza was always a lig-

"Just Go."

"... You up?"

"You evil, evil, woman. How could i sleep? You're over there living out 50 shades of freak at two in the morning. Again. This is the part where you try to sneak off to take a shower and i finally get some sleep."

"Evil woman?"

"Yes. Evil. Everyone knows that God put so much good in me that he had to find somewhere to put it. Hence... you."

" Dude. i was born first."

"And The upgrade came next."

"I'm... gonna go shower."

"Good move freak-ed witch of the the west. just dont wake up the dorm advisor this time."

"Fuck off" Elaine couldn't help but smile at that.

She and Elizabeth would've never gotten into the same school. Not without Liza picking a worse school just for Elaine. That was something Elaine wouldn't have been able to live with. Luckily Elaine was good at volleyball. Good enough that Liza was able to go to her dream school guilt free. Elaine was there too.

An Athletic scholarship was good enough for her. a bonus was that the two of them were good enough at their own things that they were allowed to bunk up together. Elaine had always thought of things as either good enough or not good enough. it'd worked for her so far.

Her shower was long and satisfying. She even managed not to wake up their dorm advisor until after her shower.

Elaine had a feeling was gonna be a good day. That usually meanthad a feeling was gonna be a good day. That usually meant it wasn't.

Author's note: this whole novella idea is based off of a bad experience i had. I've had recurring nightmares about it. It being a frickin mozzarella stick.

started working on a southern gothic draft and wanted some opinions, i dont usually write fiction of this style so im looking for any feedback :)

Prelude Elaine couldn't breath. her throat felt... clogged. The harder she tried to breath, and couldn't, the harder she panicked. it was in the back of her throat. Past her uvulia. It felt like the thick, warm, mass was halfway to her stomach. It felt like she'd die before it reached.

 Then, just when she'd given up hope. when Elaine was ready to die; she woke up. Her bed was soaked with what she hoped was sweat. She didn't judge anyone, espescially not for their sexual preferences... But she would be pissed if she found out she had a choking kink. Elaine was too clausturphobic for that type of thing.

She tried to run her fingers through her hair only to realize that her hair was a mess too. Great. She needed a shower. But Liza was always a lig-

"Just Go."

"... You up?"

"You evil, evil, woman. How could i sleep? You're over there living out 50 shades of freak at two in the morning. Again. This is the part where you try to sneak off to take a shower and i finally get some sleep."

"Evil woman?"

"Yes. Evil. Everyone knows that God put so much good in me that he had to find somewhere to put it. Hence... you."

" Dude. i was born first."

"And The upgrade came next."

"I'm... gonna go shower."

"Good move freak-ed witch of the the west. just dont wake up the dorm advisor this time."

"Fuck off" Elaine couldn't help but smile at that.

 She and Elizabeth would've never gotten into the same school. Not without Liza picking a worse school just for Elaine. That was something Elaine wouldn't have been able to live with. Luckily Elaine was good at volleyball. Good enough that Liza was able to go to her dream school guilt free. Elaine was there too. 

 An Athletic scholarship was good enough for her. a bonus was that the two of them were good enough at their own things that they were allowed to bunk up together. Elaine had always thought of things as either good enough or not good enough. it'd worked for her so far.

 Her shower was long and satisfying. She even managed not to wake up their dorm advisor until after  her shower.

Elaine had a feeling was gonna be a good day. That usually meanthad a feeling was gonna be a good day. That usually meant it wasn't.

Author's note: this whole novella idea is based off of a bad experience i had. I've had recurring nightmares about it. It being a frickin mozzarella stick.

Chapter 1

Elaine felt like she should have known. All the signs were there; It was a thursday game. She'd aced every test that week. And most importantly, she felt good when she woke up.

  She had been involved in a million incidents over her \*extensive\* athletic career. Softball, swimming, wrestling, and now volleyball. They had all ended, badly, on a day when she woke up feeling good. 

 Elaine had woken up feeling good. Refreshed. She had taken it as a good sign after her nightmare. That maybe she'd shaken the dream off as she'd woken up. She felt that way until her tendon snapped. 

  She was having too good of a game, in hindsight, ofcourse it ended with a snapped tendon and a hairline fibula fracture. Elaine was on fire. Four kills and a pancake. The injury happened while gathering for a \*fucking feign\*.

 Elaine didn'y feel any pain until she was already in the ambulence. The whole ordeal felt like a slideshow she'd been forced to watch. POV style. It didn't feel real until monday morning.

 She was a three day weekend kind of girl. her class scheduel reflected that. She didn't miss the parties on friday too much; because she didnt party too often. Elaine didn't even remember saturday; morphine is doooope. Sunday they took her home. The pagentry was excessive but she didn't mind. Percocets are dooooope too.

 But monday was a different story. Monday was a full day. She worked hard \*AF\* for four days so that she could enjoy her three day weekends. Elaine was used to hitting the ground running on mondays. Six classes, spread across campus \*diabolically\*, followed by monday runday practice.

 She would normally be on auto pilot from five thirty to seven fifteen. That's fifteen minutes after her first class started; but she \*somehow\* avoided traffic on her sleep jog to history 103. It was only half a mile. That was barely enough to wake her brain up in time for class. Elaine was contemplating waking up at five fifteen so that she could do some squats before breakfast...

 That was until she tried to step out of bed. \*Ouch\*. She collapsed immediately. That was, also, the fisrt time that pain had sucessfully reached her brain. Elaine was on the floor sobbing by the time Liza reached her side. That was pretty slow for Liza; but Elaine was in too much pain to notice.

 The next fifteen minutes were a blur of pain to Elaine. She recovered too quickly. but that was because Liza had forced half of a crushed percocet up her nose. Elaine was worried, through the pain, but Liza did what Liza did and explained that the nose had more blood vessels and absorbed the medicine faster. She said that that was why Narcan is a nasal spray. 

  Liza explained other things too. She just kept talking. And talking. For some reason it calmed Elaine down. Like always. her voice. It was different though. Now it felt like her sister's want, no, \*need\* for her to get better was living in her voice. Elaine stopped feeling pain long before the head rush of the opiate knocked her off her feet.

 Elaine woke up in her own bed.She was surrounded by people. A lot of people. She later found out that the entire dormatory had came to help her. Elizabeth had always been popular... But somehow her screams for help had reached the whole building. 

 a few biochem students stablizd her leg then rewrapped her ankle while a student gave her sips from a juicebo. Another girl dabbed her forehead with cool damp cloths; handed to her at regular intervals.

   They didn't stop until Liza noticed that Elaine was awake. Liza broke away from her conversation with Elaine's Professors. She had a gentle smile that worked on most people. Elaine wasn't one of those people.

"You look constipated. What's wrong?"

"Fuck you man..."

"That bad?"

"Yeah. You just made sure you were out for the season with that one. You weren't even having a nightmare that time. What the fuck?

I’d like raw reactions to the first five pages of my dark fantasy novel. The novel could also be described as a horror fantasy novel, but I believe that genre could be confusing to some people.

If you were actually reading this, you probably have the following context:

MAY THE REIGN NEVER END is a dark fantasy novel about a prisoner who wakes up in a grave without his memories and then is forced to fight his way through a dungeon that repeatedly kills and resurrects him.
Not only does it resurrect him. It brings back everything he’s killed. And he has to start from the beginning.
What is it like for a man to die and kill and die kill? Will he be able to escape? And what happens when he learns why he’s been imprisoned in the first place?

As the title says, I’d like feedback about the first five pages of this novel. If the writing turned you off at some point, where? If you made it to the end, would you keep reading?

Hi! I’m new to poetry and would really appreciate some feedback so I can learn. I’ve been writing for a bit but never tried my hand at this :)

The light hums.

The light hums when it’s left on too long,
Never covered by the sound of another’s breathing.

The fan grumbles,
With nothing to muffle its drone.

The clock doesn’t tick,
Now-a-days it resides in a phone,
But the hours still pass,
In binge watched TV and aimless scribbling.

Cars thunder by as a couple fights across the road,
I consider inviting them in.

Maybe then I wouldn’t hear the hum.

Instead, I silence it

And plummet into darkness.

For context, this is the prologue of an isekai light novel (about 2,000 words)
General criticism is welcome too. Thanks!

Hello,

I'm looking for a developmental critique from those who read in the sword and sorcery genre. Hopefully this is the right place for that. This is a sword and sorcery novelette a little over 11,000 words. 

When I say developmental critique I mean big-picture structure, plot, character arcs, and pacing of the manuscript rather than grammar or typos.

All thoughtful and helpful feedback welcome 

Thank you 

With his sword SongFire, a young man does questionable tasks to fund his future lifestyle. This time he must face magic and notoriously vicious beings to secure a bounty worth more than he's ever been paid. 

Adult-violence-nudity-alcohol

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1E1d5V7PxBEmYbN-5q8gYsG2h6Ha27h30oGrX3IjdV1c/edit?usp=drivesdk

Guys, can anyone help me figure out the structure for a letter-writing competition?

I’m having difficulty with the part that is also the main part of my letter: the promise I’m making to Mother Nature. I don’t want it to sound childish, like a kid promising a teacher, “I promise I won’t cheat again.”

My take is more like: I wish I could tell you, “Take some rest, Mother Nature. I’ll take care of everything now.” But we both know it isn’t that simple and I can’t undo everything that has happened to you.

But I also don’t want to just stand by and watch what is happening. I want to take responsibility in whatever way I can. Maybe that means starting by cleaning a river myself, or taking smaller steps, like being more conscious about what I throw away and making sure I don’t contribute to the problem.

I’m struggling with how to structure this part so that the promise feels mature, realistic, and meaningful rather than like a list of things I “promise” to do. Any ideas?