The Meatles:

Jamal Murray: Stellar tape. Optimal girth-to-length ratio. Terrible maintenance (pubes).

Luka Doncic: The Dong brings pure class along with a heavy bulk. Elite positional size.

Donovan Mitchell: He may win a Skims meat-off. He may never win a WildmanT meat-off. But he won in penalife.

Serge Ibaka: Outmeats the legendary bif pinus and all other MWNBA players. The King Congo of size.

The Meatless:

SGA: There seems to be no sign of salient life anywhere. Unplayable asset. Only gets a hint of a print if he draws contact.

Brittney Griner: While all physical metrics point to a standard male profile, they reflect a disappointing lack of volume. Still outperforming SGA though.

LeBron James: Peak physical conditioning except for where it matters. LeMickey packs a mouse-sized presence.

Jeremy Lin: Foregone conclusion.

I Promise School (c. 2026)

Especially since we're not funny anymore.