r/justgalsbeingchicks • u/exporterofgold • 5d ago
Restricted to Gals and Pals I need to learn this skill
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u/rhinanners 🌻Official Jill🌻 5d ago
Dang she is QUICK with it & I am a manager that speaks fluent “Corporate Lizard” 🤣
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u/firedmyass 5d ago
I theoretically have the capability, but I just never bothered to employ it at the time… \see username*
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u/rhinanners 🌻Official Jill🌻 5d ago
Yeah you unemployed it … get it 😭😭😭
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u/Master_JBT 5d ago
Nobody’s gonna get this reference, but: Section Chief Lee Jaheon
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u/SilverKnight1921 3d ago
Thanks for the heads-up, didn't get it either tho.
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u/Master_JBT 3d ago
They’re a lizard headed person who works at a corporation in the novel and manwha “got trapped in a ghost story still gotta work”
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u/Pinguinus_Afrikanus 5d ago
Unrelated, but she has such a nice voice! And this talent, would have brought me at least a better job or better pay if I had it!
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u/sheisprincess 5d ago
I’m quick like her, be cautious cause your colleagues begin to default to you for saying the uncomfortable thing everyone else is thinking in meetings lmao.
I get the stares or the slack messages to say something all the time now. It’s a great skill but I hate being THE person, you know?
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u/Skandronon 5d ago
I'm that person and am good at hiding how I'm really feeling in my voice but my face is completely transparent. My director will sometimes send me messages to turn off my camera because of how I'm reacting to whats being said.
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u/enigmamonkey 5d ago
It's an amazing skill in corporate environments. I could easily propel you into a more managerial or even director position, IMHO. Particularly if you're good at what you do, since this allows you to more easily navigate the complex and diplomatic communication required when doing anything at all cross functional.
Oh shit...
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u/showraniy 5d ago
Omg, this is the worst!
I've learned to let the awkward silences hang. It's the only way I don't find myself the only person speaking.
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u/effyoucreeps 5d ago
oh good lord - i realized a long time ago that i was tasked as “the person” to call out the BS in the room
friends with difficult family situations literally asked me to be the one to confront someone, since everyone else was too scared and didn’t want to be labeled the bad guy
i actually complied for years, because i honestly didn’t care that i was being honest when there was a serious issue going on
but now i just let most situations play themselves out, because some people just love to shoot the messenger
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5d ago edited 1d ago
[deleted]
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u/Humanmode17 4d ago
I hate how it's started to bleed into other things too. I called a social/mental health helpline the other day and kept getting hit with the "I hear what you're saying and I'm listening. Dealing with [exactly what I just said but rephrased to be corporate sterilised] is very hard, I understand"
Like, I called to talk to a person, not an arm of the corporate machine. I would much rather talk to someone who has no clue how to help but still has a genuine human conversation with me than someone who's great at their job but speaks like HR is breathing down their neck
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4d ago edited 1d ago
[deleted]
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u/Humanmode17 4d ago
Honestly I didn't really have the energy to be pissed lmao, I was just resigned. Thanks for being pissed on my behalf tho, just seeing how annoyed you got for me has reminded me that I did actually have reason to be annoyed
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u/Nautis 5d ago
Lmao I have coworkers who regularly and frequently ask for my help drafting emails in corporate-speak. An important part of that which I haven't seen anyone mention is subtly including barbed hooks. By that I mean phrasing things in a way that you aren't being confrontational, but you're putting an onus of action on the reader, so if they ignore it and shit hits the fan you've got a paper trail showing that you did your due diligence. If they don't do theirs, it's between them and God (the PM).
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u/WesternComicStrip 4d ago
She would probably say some thing like:
‘You’re profficient vocabular skills have created inexpedient expectations among your peers. And that shedding light on unpopular substantiated data can incur severe consequences for the harbinger on excecutive level’.
How did I do?
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u/ShayJayLee 5d ago
God damn! I work in corporate communications but I'm not nearly this quick
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u/RoknPa 5d ago
No need to be quick, so how do I say in response to an interview question like, "Why I am leaving my company?". My response is currently, "Management's goals and mine are no longer aligned.".
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u/ShayJayLee 5d ago
I would say something like "While I'm grateful for all that I was able to learn at my current position, I realized that it was time pursue avenue that more closely fit my goals."
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u/RoknPa 5d ago edited 5d ago
Ahhh! Nice! That was well done, and I will quote you!
o7
EDIT: This is why I love Reddit. Thank you /u/ShayJayLee
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u/b00bzbythepound 5d ago
I need an Em in my life lol. I offer infinite iced coffees and I'm a decent cook lol
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u/cardlord64 5d ago
"My life" already has an Em in it.
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u/TabularConferta 5d ago
She is genuinely good. That was damn fast, I don't think I coudl get half that level even when only having to worry about an email.
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u/ProfilerXx 5d ago edited 5d ago
Working in small Restaurants most of my career, I've never been able to understand what good comes from not saying what you actually want to say.
If I'd ask for a raise like that my boss would laugh at me or have no clue what I want him to do
Edit: I appreciate all the answers I get the idea of deescalating without blaming someone specificly.
But asking for a raise directly apparently is considered "complaining" which I don't really get.
You can ask for a raise without blaming others for what's wrong in the company and being a team player
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u/DymlingenRoede 5d ago
Saying things directly often comes with an implication that someone sucks and, if you follow the line of reasoning, should get a bad performance review or be fired.
This, in turn, can make you enemies very quickly and that's dangerous. This is especially true if you're talking about people senior to you, but your peers and juniors can still significantly harm your career and may want to do so if they think you're harming theirs.
It's even more awkward if it turns out you were incorrect assigning blame and later find out the blame lay elsewhere. Then you'll look like you have poor judgement and be seen as having stabbed someone who didn't even deserve it. And who'll want to work with someone like that?
Conversely, if you speak of the problem in the abstract, without any insinuations that blame lies anywhere in particular and without making it personal, it's easier to get people to rally around to solve it.
One of the primary uses of corporate speak is to withhold the assigning of blame and ensure the other people around you that you're not about to throw them under the bus (though there are other uses too).
Of course, as it's also a fully fledged jargon it can also be used to signal in-groups and out-groups. Corporate can absolutely also be used to assign blame and throw people under the bus and even make things intensely personal, but due to the origin of the jargon it can do so very precisely (limiting unintentional collateral damage), and even intensify it (because if you're stabbing someone in corporate lingo, it'll either seem very deliberate or you'll come across as a blithering idiot who obviously doesn't know what they're doing because you're using the jargon incorrectly).
That doesn't mean that forthright blunt speech isn't used in places where corporate is used, but it's a deliberate choice usually used to show authenticity and trust.
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u/Alcain_X 5d ago edited 5d ago
Because in my experience, corporate people are a bunch of teenage girls, you can't just say someone looks bad, that's bullying, it would make you public enemy number one at school. But catty bitchy comments are all okay, you didn't actually say that other girl was dressed badly it was " a brave outfit", you didn't do anything wrong or say anything mean its all plausible deniability if they try and tell someone or call you out.
Now look at the corporate world I can't say "Steve is arrogant annoying jackass constantly fucking up our projects and blaming everyone else for his delays and always trying to take credit for other peoples work." That's mean, insulting, unprofessional, so instead I have say some bullshit like "We should look into updating and streamlining workflows to avoid future pitfalls such as tasks potentially being missed or employees accidentally doubling up on duties".
Now if in that review we find out that Steve is always late with his work and wasn't even assigned that other project he took credit for when he presented it last month, well then that's a real shame isn't it? He's probably going to be fired or at least given a warning. But hey that's not my fault I didn't say anything about Steve or his work. I didn't call him out, I wasn't an asshole or back stab him, I didn't say anything about any of my coworkers you can even check the message it was just a routine workflow review, nothing special. Again it's all plausible deniability so your not on the hook for any consequences like Steve being the bosses nephew for example.
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u/Time-Maintenance2165 5d ago edited 5d ago
Because if often shows how you want to work together towards as solution. If you just complain, you bring a negative attitude that permeates to others around you.
While corporate speak can be misused, it can also identify a problem in a way that makes people want to solve it (or be forced to solve it even if they don't want to).
In my experience most of the people who say they just say what they want to so don't respond well to critique and make major complaints out of small problems.
But also when you work at a restaurant, know your audience. Find a middle ground between the complaining and the corporate speak.
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u/Colorado_Constructor 4d ago
I'm bilingual in corporate and human speech. My role has me interacting with boots on the ground workers all the way up to corporate execs from well-known companies. So I get experience in both.
Personally I'll take human speech any day of the week. I hear your point that corporate speak can help ease the question into a palatable, forward-focused item. But the problem is corporate folks have NO INTEREST in solving ANYTHING. The further I lean into corporate world the more I realize how truly little managers/execs do.
Meanwhile, human speech is all about finding solutions. Sure there's a decent amount of complaints, but I've found that usually stems from the horrible environments we're forced to work in. Like I'm sorry my manager favors Flirty McGee, but that's not gonna stop me from complaining how she makes more and works less than the rest of us. It's human nature to identify and try to resolve issues like that. I'm too old and too autistic to go along with horrible conditions just to keep the status quo.
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u/Loffkar 5d ago
some of it is bullshit but look at how she reframes a lot of stuff, because there's a ton of really good de-escalation and conflict management there. She's basically reframing it so that it doesn't target anyone as specifically 'at fault' while, in most cases, clearly laying out a problem and how to deal with it. This is actually an extremely good way to try to communicate with reactive people, not just in corporate environments.
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u/allshookup1640 5d ago
Corporate is isn’t own beast.
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u/EmmerdoesNOTrepme 5d ago
Yep! In small restaurants, you can tell your bosses, "You're being an idiot!" and most of the time, they're not gonna fire you immediately.
But in the Corporate World, if you say that to someone in management?
You often just sign your own death warrrant!🤷♀️
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u/ThatBarbGirl 5d ago
I worked in small restaurants, fast food, customer service, trucking/logistics, and moved into marketing, recruiting, onboarding, etc. I now work in the blue collar (sheet metal) industry doing said HR-related tasks. I "translate" all the time for the team of guys I work with. Whether it be inter-office emails, arguing with companies over their utility bills, I even update their resumes when we take people on, incase they aren't happy or just for future endeavors. I always saw writing as an art form, so "corporate speak" isn't actually about communicating indirectly, it's more about communicating in a "professionally acceptable" way that allows you to both share your feedback, and deliver the most satisfying passive-aggressive messages in a palatable way. No cursing, slang, rudeness. Just the power of drowning someone in smugness without fear of repercussions for losing your temper or making things personal.
Kind of like returning the middle finger with a giant smile. It feels fucking delightful, trust me.
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u/RoknPa 5d ago
A little over a decade ago, I had been printing and saving all of my accolades at work. One day I went into my direct report's offices and spread them out on his desk. I told him I needed a significant raise to continue to work for the company. He looked at me pointed his finger at me, and told me, "DON'T go anywhere. You have my word, I will do whatever I can.". A month later I was presented with some awkward title and a 25% increase. He had to get special permission from our parent company to do this for me. At that point my mindset was to work for him as hard as I could, and make him proud to have my back like that. I did too. I turned our department into the golden child of our company. He motivated me into someone who was proud to do my job, so I trickled that down and made all of my agents proud to work for us!
Too bad the world doesn't work this way anymore.
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u/CatOfTechnology 5d ago
Working in small Restaurants most of my career, I've never been able to understand what good comes from not saying what you actually want to say.
Basically, it's about protecting the Ego of morons who value themselves too highly while getting the point across that you're not stupid enough to be tricked in to saying something that they can twist in to a reason to fire you.
Sure, you can tell someone that if your pay doesn't improve you're gonna quit.
But they'll twist it in to you making hostile and unreasonable demands for compensation while being a high risk asset that could leave in the middle of a dire situation that they would normally expect to be able to exploit you during.
But by phrasing it in an entirely passive tone where you implicate the issue as being something falling under their purview while also avoiding the trap of making it obvious that you're prepared to act in your own best interests over the interests of the company while also expressing it all in a way that makes it clear that you understand how to speak HR you put them in an awkward spot where it's being put on record that the ball is in their court and it's up to them to fix the issue and they cannot point to your messages and claim any HR doublespeak about you having said something "unprofessional" or attempting to give your bosses an ultimatum AND that taking it to HR may actually work in your favor if it goes to litigation by way of you filing for retaliation.
Corporate speak is all a game of convincing the other person that there is a lot less trouble to be had by just giving you what you want rather than trying to drag it out or deny you what you've asked for.
And it's only necessary because worker protections are a fucking joke.
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u/Assika126 4d ago
I mean the way I read it was something along the lines of “I would like to be paid more, please.” If they take that as complaining they’re kind of telling on themselves bc they are taking it as me saying I’m not getting paid enough - which, yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying, glad we agree
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u/NotYourWif3 5d ago
I’m not this good or quick but I like to do this with everyday things and how I’d write them on my resume.
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u/CorporateCuster 5d ago
FYI. All this shit does is make you miserable. You hide the problem and never address anything just to be polite. Talk to a coo inside of a corporate environment that isn’t some Fortune 500 company in suits. It’s usually a couple of f bombs. This is for middle managers and people trying to make middle management
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u/Eye_Acupuncture 5d ago
How do I tell my PM they are useless, AI mustn’t be used to create or read documentation, it hallucinates; they live in a parallel reality, can’t communicate, don’t receive what we tell them and they are the most useless person we’ve ever worked with. I hope never to cross our paths, ever!
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u/Ok_Butterscotch_4158 5d ago
Great partnerships rely on being able to trust the inputs and outputs of one another and communicating transparently. AI can put strain on any relationship due to inconsistent behavior and especially with inconsistent inputs. It would be best to minimize variability in relationships at this time to optimize the outcome.
Ugh.. this was hard but hoping someone can make this better! :)
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u/FrozenJambalaya 5d ago
My sorry ass would say "Shit's fucked innit!"...
Sigh... I'm not corporate material...
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u/BuggyWhipArmMF 5d ago
I like the way the one person is so into and impressed by the other one, and at the end of the video when she expresses it, the other person smiles so huge and genuine, I love it
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u/Lizard-_-Queen 5d ago
I work for the government and they really push for plain language in everything we do, so that's how I talk at work. Plain language, no corporate buzzwords. It's kind of freeing (then again I'm low on the hierarchy).
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u/GraceAndMayhem 4d ago
Yes! The people saying corporate speak breeds misery and misunderstanding are correct, and the people saying corporate speak is neccissary for cooperation are only partially correct. There are better alternatives. The answer is plain language. It's professional, it accommodates more neurotypes, and in the medical industry, it's saving lives! There's a whole area of study and b2b service industry around plain language. Worth looking up if you don't know about it!
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u/fatgat69 5d ago edited 5d ago
I wanna know how to translate "I am either going to slam my head into a brick wall or commit mass genocide if you people don't learn how to do your fucking jobs" because I have said that before and it did not work.
Surprisingly not why I was fired.
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u/foxwaffles 5d ago
And this is why I work where my coworkers, higher ups, and the shelter vet all value blunt honesty. None of us have time to dance around each other, and the cats certainly aren't gonna wait for us 🙂↕️
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u/PiggyBear6667 5d ago
I have an Em, her name is also Em!
She just has a boring old American accent, not nearly as fun as hearing corporate speak with this Em.
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u/Erik_Dolphy 5d ago
As much as this would drive me insane, I would love to shadow for a day. Well done.
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u/KetoLurkerHereAgain 5d ago
My favorite was always "per my previous email" aka, you fucking moron, that's already been covered, read something!!
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u/wazzup-notemuch 5d ago
So, the trick is to use more words with more syllables, because the higher-ups are easily confused by complex vocabulary and don't want to admit that they don't understand what you're saying.
Got it.
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u/Hippie_Go_Lucky_ 5d ago
Use multisyllabic words, sure. It's equally important that your descriptions be vague and immeasurable. "Significant", "issues", "seeking to understand". All of those are open to interpretation, so nothing can ever be pinned on the speaker.
(I detest this garbage, but I'm reluctantly fluent.)
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u/Own_Art_5831 5d ago
How would the idiots get that they are the problem.... because that is the problem
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u/CorporateCuster 5d ago
Management are all idiots. No one in this company knows has a valid opinion. NEXT
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u/FblthpLives 💢Bringing the facts!💢 5d ago
As someone currently in their two-week self-assessment period, I love this.
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u/AcidicSnail15 5d ago
Pretty sure she's the person who I got you may test that assumption at your earliest convenience from. Is the translation of fafo
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u/Baonguyen93 4d ago
I usually hate corp language but using it to dissing asshole feel so satisfied lmao!!!
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u/Silphire100 4d ago
Em is good at this! They're both very smart people, and a cute couple. Robyn is also non-binary
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u/Big_Smoke142 4d ago
I'm a builder, and I tell it straight. You get more respect for that, no point dilly dalliying. Never get anything done
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u/spycey_mchaggis 4d ago
Great bit — funny, sharp and smart.
Had to share this over at r/femalestandupcomedy.
Come join and contribute!
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u/intimidateu_sexually 4d ago
Gosh I loathe corporate speak. Truly. Just say what you mean and mean what you say! Not everything is “significantly”. I just hear “blah blah blah when folks speak like this!
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u/handcraftedcandy 🕷️Itchy, bitchy spider 🕷️ 4d ago
I'm very good at writing in this way, but not very good at speaking it. Something for me to work on...
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u/Ouroboros308 3d ago
I will never, ever speak like this. I refuse to do it. I will say what I mean and mean what I say. If it kills my career, so be it. I'd rather work at ALDI than put on such a hideous fassade of a personality.
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u/Fast_Distance9563 18h ago
Lady on the bottom has excellent listening skills. I would have missed a point or two while trying to reinterpret a list into corporate speak.
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u/Pal_Smurch 5d ago
She has that Irish gift of being able to tell you to go to Hell, snd make it sound like somewhere you might want to go to.
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u/OrangeBeast01 5d ago
She isn't Irish, she's British.
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u/Mystic_printer_ 4d ago
I’m judging by looks and not speech and she looks like an Irish princess.
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u/OrangeBeast01 4d ago
Because she has ginger hair and is wearing green?
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u/Mystic_printer_ 4d ago
That and the crown on her head.
She just seems like a lot of fun. Which also gives Irish.
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u/CosmicDriftwood 5d ago
How do I tell someone to shut up? Professionally. She talks entirely too much
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u/_ser_kay_ 5d ago
There’s always the good ol’ “can we circle back to this later?” (tr: “fuck off and let me work”).
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4d ago
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u/verathene 3d ago
“Look, I think we've all got something to bring to this discussion, but I think from now on the thing you should bring is silence.”
Rimmer, Arnold J.
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