r/changemyview • u/MaldyBaldy2 • 19h ago
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u/Sveet_Pickle 19h ago
I don’t think I’ve seen a man on Reddit complain about his dating life and it not be because of things he can actually change.
You either have unrealistic expectations of the women you interact with, or you need to work on your personality. Probably both.
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u/MaldyBaldy2 19h ago
What does working on personality mean? So I can’t be myself?
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u/Sveet_Pickle 19h ago
No, I’m even more myself now than I was when I couldn’t get a date. I don’t know you so I can’t tell you what’s wrong, I’m sure lack of self confidence is on the list though.
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u/MaldyBaldy2 19h ago
I have full confidence in myself in things I know I’m good at, that’s how confidence works. If I’ve failed to date or be attractive for 20 years, I don’t have any confidence it will suddenly happen now, especially as I’ve aged and look worse than ever.
If I have a reason to be confident I will be…
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u/Sveet_Pickle 19h ago
Self confidence is more than just knowing you’re good at A, B and C and not good at X, Y and Z. It’s being self assured and having a healthy view of yourself.
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u/MaldyBaldy2 18h ago
Too bad none of it matters when you look like shit next to other guys that tower over you. How tall are you btw?
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u/Sveet_Pickle 18h ago
Exhibit A: bad personality
And I’m 5’11
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u/matchfromthedead 8h ago
your points to him are redundant and tone deaf. for starters, your personality doesn't seem great but im not shallow enough to think internet diagnosing that is a good idea.
secondly, do you think you being above average height but nor exactly ideal is comparable to him being a statistical anomaly in height?
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u/Sveet_Pickle 8h ago
Is there even evidence anywhere in this CMV that he actually wanted his view changed because I didn’t see it? People being much more compassionate than I was got the same attitude from him that I did.
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u/matchfromthedead 7h ago
id be shocked if you could find me a post from the last three days of somebody giving a delta and saying their view was entirely changed. i wish it was the case but its not.
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u/MaldyBaldy2 18h ago
Right so you’re actually above average height and have no idea what it’s like to be tiny and shorter than 15 year olds, and have the vast majority of girls reject you based on that alone
This whole thread was a waste of time because no one can relate
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18h ago
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u/changemyview-ModTeam 12h ago
Your comment has been removed for breaking Rule 3:
Refrain from accusing OP or anyone else of being unwilling to change their view, arguing in bad faith, lying, or using AI/GPT. Ask clarifying questions instead (see: socratic method). If you think they are still exhibiting poor behaviour, please message us. See the wiki page for more information.
If you would like to appeal, review our appeals process here, then message the moderators by clicking this link within one week of this notice being posted. Appeals that do not follow this process will not be heard.
Please note that multiple violations will lead to a ban, as explained in our moderation standards.
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u/favoritehello 19h ago
I think it'll make you happier in the short term but longer term you might be disappointed you gave up.
I think it's possible to do both. Accept it may not be in the cards but keep yourself open to the idea someone may be okay with a shorter bald king.
I think accepting your situation, who you are and what you have to offer and being content in yourself and more confident with what you offer will help shine through more positively. It's possible you come across meek, desperate and a bit resentful in your approach with people and dating because of your circumstances. Maybe acceptance will help you gather that confidence in "here's what I've got, either like me or don't" and better yourself mentally to make it easier to try different approaches or to see an opportunity and run with it when the time is right.
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u/MaldyBaldy2 19h ago
This could work but I don’t think I can have that balance. My brain doesn’t work that way, if I’ve failed for 20 years straight there’s no reason I’ll succeed later
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u/Bandage-Bob 19h ago
I have a buddy who is about your age/height and is also bald.
He does very well with women, dude gets so many dates and could easily settle down if he wanted to but he enjoys being single and just going on dates.
Just from this comment here it's pretty obvious that the thing he has that you lack is confidence.
This is something you'll need to work on and honestly a professional is going to help you out way more than any reddit comment ever will.
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u/MaldyBaldy2 19h ago
I’m sure he has an attractive face and looks good bald. My skull shape is fucked and my head is all bumpy it’s awful
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u/Bandage-Bob 18h ago
No, he's honestly pretty average.
This is you not wanting to be believe that it's a personality issue rather than an appearance one.
You want something external to blame rather than accepting there is something within your control.
You want to be absolved of responsibility.
I saw your other comment before you deleted it; you're bitter and that is far more unattractive than being short or bald.
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u/MaldyBaldy2 18h ago
It’s not me wanting anything. I’ve literally been told it’s because I’m too short or because I’m bald (mainly short). Let’s not pretend height isn’t a huge factor in attraction. Of course I’m going to be bitter when I’m automatically excluded from 95% of the dating pool off my height alone, let alone being ugky with a bald head. It’s just what I’ve experienced
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18h ago
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u/changemyview-ModTeam 17h ago
u/Bandage-Bob – your comment has been removed for breaking Rule 2:
Don't be rude or hostile to other users. Your comment will be removed even if most of it is solid, another user was rude to you first, or you feel your remark was justified. Report other violations; do not retaliate. See the wiki page for more information.
If you would like to appeal, review our appeals process here, then message the moderators by clicking this link within one week of this notice being posted. Please note that multiple violations will lead to a ban, as explained in our moderation standards.
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u/favoritehello 17h ago
It's easy to beat yourself up and not have any confidence if you think that 'I've failed for 20 years, no reason I'll succeed later'...that's literally loser mentality! How are you supposed to eventually succeed if you give up before you're out of the game?
If you feel less crummy about yourself by giving up, because that way it hurts less, I understand. I think that's fair to feel, but I would challenge you to seek therapy to see if you can help adjust your mindset, way of thinking and find ways to boost your confidence a bit because it's clear you feel worthless and helpless and that sucks.
You deserve to feel better than you do right now. And when you are feeling so low and shitty, it's hard to find anyone. That's why you always hear 'you gotta love yourself before you can love anyone else'.
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u/JackYaos 1∆ 19h ago
I think you nailed something important is that you're hurt by that and it's totally to be expected. But I do think that closing off totally may be what you think you need to keep some sort of control in that bad situation and keep some self esteem, but I agree with the other post that in the long term that sense of control won't be very satisfactory and keeping open while aknowledging you're hurt by this might be the best way forward.
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u/Hefty-Match-3317 17h ago
The only difference between a close friend and a romantic partner is the cultural acceptance that you can have sex with them. The only thing stopping you from having sex with your best friends is your mind and their mind.
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u/MaldyBaldy2 12h ago
Yeah I’m sure it would go well if I asked
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u/Hefty-Match-3317 12h ago
You need to ask yourself why it wouldn't go well. Is it you or them? Most women date people they vet as safe and not risky. Which are friends or people they've had repeated interactions with over a period of time.
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u/MaldyBaldy2 12h ago
You think i can just ask a friend to have sex with them or kiss them? are you insane lol
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u/Hefty-Match-3317 9h ago
Listen to popular dating advice, worst she can is no right? lol. Ask them to date and make it official. There are ways and means which you are limiting yourself because you are afraid of failure. Most attempts at dating fail to begin with you cannot beat the statistical odds.
The most successful men have a 1%-5% success rate when asking girls out. You are beneath them. You are setting your success rate at 0% because of a lack of trying.
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u/GrilledStuffedDragon 19h ago
The fact that you want us to change your view on this means you don't actually believe it and are just telling yourself that to feel better about your dating failures.
That sort of reaction isn't conducive to long term contentment.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Quit925 2∆ 18h ago
There is a difference between being open to change your view which is what this sub is about and wanting to change your view.
Ideally everyone is open to changing their view on everything and would post all their views on this sub. Obviously it is impractical because of the time and commitment.
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u/Altruistic_Point_834 19h ago
Not really, it’s healthy to constantly challenge your own beliefs. Even tho what you believe is true
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u/GrilledStuffedDragon 19h ago
As I literally just explained: this isn't his belief. It's a belief he wants us to talk him out of adapting. I mean, that's the nature of the sub.
And that isn't a way to adapt a healthy mindset. Challenging your own ideas is one thing, asking strangers to talk you out of giving up on dating is not the same.
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u/Altruistic_Point_834 19h ago
So if it’s not his belief , whose belief is it ? Given he said himself he’s short bald and ugly, he doesn’t believe that those people struggle with dating ? Even tho he fits all the criteria’s enlisted ?
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u/GrilledStuffedDragon 19h ago
...It's currently no one's belief. It's one he wants to adapt, and simultaneously wants us to talk him out of it.
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u/Altruistic_Point_834 19h ago
It’s definitely his belief , that he’s open to changing his views on. The whole subreddit is called changeMYview, not change A view
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u/GrilledStuffedDragon 19h ago
...So you're just being pedantic and arguing over whether or not he currently holds this view vs might hold this view in the future if no one convinces him otherwise??
...Neat.
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u/Altruistic_Point_834 18h ago
How can you convince yourself that it isn’t his view when he posted it in a sub called change MY view. Plus his life descriptions fit perfectly to his OP topic.
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u/GrilledStuffedDragon 18h ago
Because he is saying that giving up dating will make him happier. Future tense.
Would have figured Captain Pedantic should catch that one.
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u/Altruistic_Point_834 13h ago edited 13h ago
Yea give up dating will make him happier because he believes in what he wrote about being short bald and ugly.
I would have figured out captain einstein should catch that one
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u/MaldyBaldy2 19h ago
Perhaps not but I think it’s the right thing to do in my current circumstances
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u/GrilledStuffedDragon 19h ago
It isn't, but I think you're only going to realize that in hindsight.
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u/MaldyBaldy2 19h ago
I don’t want to be rejected and humiliated anymore. I know I said I’m numb to it now but it still hurts, I’m just more used to it.
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u/GrilledStuffedDragon 19h ago
If you're still getting hurt by it, then you aren't numb to it.
You could instead learn to actually stop putting weight or value onto the opinions of people who don't care about you, but I recognize that would require genuine effort.
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u/MaldyBaldy2 19h ago
Everyone cares what others think about them, pretending otherwise is silly.
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u/GrilledStuffedDragon 19h ago
No. Not everyone cares what everyone thinks of them.
You are fully capable of deciding whose opinions matter to you, and whose doesn't.
As an example: I care very much what my girlfriend thinks of me. But I genuinely don't care what you think of me, and therefore I cannot be personally bothered by anything you say to me.
It's possible for you to learn to do this and apply it to your life, but again: That requires effort, so you won't try it. It feels far better in the moment to pretend you're actually capable of cutting off all potential romantic or sexual emotions, as if that is a more realistic approach.
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u/MaldyBaldy2 19h ago
So you care about what your girlfriend thinks of you, but I’m not supposed to care about the girls I’m interested in and like when they reject me? And I just have to pretend everything is okay when they get a boyfriend the next week who’s way more handsome than me ?
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u/GrilledStuffedDragon 19h ago
So you care about what your girlfriend thinks of you, but I’m not supposed to care about the girls I’m interested in and like when they reject me?
Exactly. By rejecting you, they are showing you they aren't interested. Why care about someone's opinion when they aren't interested in you?
And I just have to pretend everything is okay when they get a boyfriend the next week who’s way more handsome than me ?
...Yes. That isn't pretending; everything still is okay, even though they start dating someone else. It has fuck all to do with you.
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u/MaldyBaldy2 19h ago
Then by that logic what I’m doing is the right thing to do. Fuck everyone & fuck the world, no one wants me then I’ll just live and do my own shit on my own. Right?
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u/KralizecGaming 5∆ 19h ago
While physical attraction is certainly an important factor when searching for a relationship, there are plenty of other factors that can make a girl decide to date you and later start a relationship with you.
May I ask, how precisely do you choose which girls/women you ask out?
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u/Altruistic_Point_834 19h ago
The supply and demand for this logic doesn’t check out. For young people, there’s nearly twice as many young available men than women according to pew research.
Even a women who isn’t terribly superficial about looks, why would she pick a guy with good personality, short, and ugly , over a guy who has good personality, not short and not ugly ?
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u/KralizecGaming 5∆ 19h ago
But OP isn't exactly the youngest. He is 36.
Otherwise in general, there is no guarantee that they will meet someone with a good personality who is better looking then them. Or they can make their personality even better. Or have similar interests, goals in life.
Looks and personlity aren't the only factors when deciding a partner.
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u/Altruistic_Point_834 18h ago
36 still considered around child bearing age for women of his age equivalent. Plus with his deficit, brings him even more disadvantaged
https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2020/08/20/a-profile-of-single-americans/
You can see, for men, it only gets better dating crossing over 50
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19h ago
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Sorry, u/MaldyBaldy2 – your comment has been automatically removed as a clear violation of Rule 5:
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u/MaldyBaldy2 19h ago
I don’t anymore but before I would meet them in school, university, clubs or through other friends.
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u/KralizecGaming 5∆ 19h ago
I didn't ask where you meet them. I asked how you choose which girls you ask out.
But to be more precise.
Do you choose based on physical attraction? Do you take into consideration their personality? What are the most importnat traits (both physical and personality wise) a women you'd like to date to have?
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u/MaldyBaldy2 19h ago
Both. I want to be attracted to them physically (as literally everyone does, which is the problem because I’m objectively unattractive) and I like their personality
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u/KralizecGaming 5∆ 19h ago
Obviously, just like everyone else.
But can you be more precise? Like try to describe what you would call your "ideal".
Describe her physically. Describe her personality. Describe her hobbies. Etc. etc.
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u/MaldyBaldy2 18h ago
I don’t have ideals. At this point I’ll take anyone I like who shows any interest at all
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u/KralizecGaming 5∆ 18h ago
I am sorry. I would love to have an honest conversation with you.
But you keep avoiding answering.
My personal guess is that you have a too superficial view of the world and put too much of an emphasis on looks. Both yours and your potential partners.
Your views of looks are likely also affecting your personality. So, to those who would be willing to overlook (or even be attracted to your looks, people have varying tastes) you end up as a non-pick because of your looks.
I would suggest some theraphy that would let you come to grips with your looks and make you focus on other aspects of you that might be appealing to others.
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u/Bandage-Bob 18h ago
This is my conclusion as well after conversing with OP.
He literally cannot understand that my short and bald friend is successful with women.
He instantly assumed he must have a very attractive face when the reality (sorry bro) is that he's pretty average looking.
My buddy is funny as fuck and confident, he doesn't let superficial people rejecting him get to him because he wouldn't be interested in those people anyway.
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u/MaldyBaldy2 12h ago
Why have I been rejected by every single girl for being too short / bald / “not my type” then?
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u/scarab456 65∆ 16h ago
Man I was really hoping we'd get an answer here. Seemed like a good question to start with.
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u/MooliCoulis 10h ago
I am sorry. I would love to have an honest conversation with you.
But you keep avoiding answering.
My personal guess is that you have a too superficial view of the world and put too much of an emphasis on looks
"You're not saying the thing I want you to say, could you please just be the stereotype I know how to dismiss?"
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u/MaldyBaldy2 12h ago
That’s how I’ve been treated. If the world wasn’t superficial I wouldn’t have had failed and been humiliated everytime I went out with friends in my youth to clubs and wouldn’t have been rejected for years for how I looked. I see things as they are because that’s what I experienced
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u/Mickey_thicky 17h ago
I’m 20 and 5,6 so roughly in the 10th percentile for adult men in the U.S.
In case you are unaware of how percentiles work, that means 90% of adult men are taller than me. 5,2 does place you in the 1st or 2nd percentile, and I understand that can be difficult to deal with. I’ve never been worried about my height; I powerlift so it actually helps out. But I know for a lot of men height is a source of profound insecurity.
My question for you is this: is the pursuit of a relationship the only feasible way for you to derive happiness and meaning in your life? Or perhaps are there other sources of meaning and fulfillment you can find?
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u/MaldyBaldy2 12h ago
Nothing brings as much fulfilment as creating a family that live after you pass on and gives meaning to your life
And yes being shorter than 99% of guys is pathetic from a dating standpoint
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u/Mickey_thicky 12h ago
I’m young so I haven’t thought much about having children, but I’m also into dudes so the idea of having children becomes complicated.
With the limited, but deep thought I have given it, I have begun to understand that there is more to just your legacy than the children you will bring into this world. When I think about my purpose, a multitude of things come to mind besides the continuation of my bloodline. I encourage you to try not to consolidate your purpose into one goal. You have intrinsic value, and you mean something to people even if it’s hard to see.
Besides having a family, is there anything else that would leave you feeling fulfilled, to any degree?
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u/I_Never_Use_Slash_S 1∆ 19h ago
You’ve tried to date so you obviously have the desire. No one has ever achieved anything they wanted by giving up when it was hard.
If you don’t want to date then don’t, and perhaps that will make you happier in the long term. But if you actually want to date and experience basic things like a kiss or something intimate, then giving up ensures you will never accomplish any of that and will not make you happier in the long term.
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u/MaldyBaldy2 19h ago
At least I’ll stop going home depressed after a night out because I couldn’t get one woman to smile at me, while watching every other guy have fun.
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u/Antique-Stand-4920 7∆ 18h ago
I agree that if you give up on the way you're approaching dating, that would make you happier in the long term. But are your approaches to dating the only ways to approach dating?
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u/fishgum 19h ago
It's not black and white, it's not like your only options are to dedicate 100% of your time to dating or not give a fuck at all. Why can't you pick a healthy middle-ground? You can focus on other more successful elements of your life like your hobbies or friends, while also trying to date once in a while. Build a life that is happy without a partner but remain open to the possibility of having one
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u/MaldyBaldy2 19h ago
I don’t like giving myself false hope. I’ve had 20 years of experience that proves I’m not eligible for a relationship or any intimate human connections so why lie to myself?
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u/Emergency-Value6451 18h ago
It's because it's a negative feedback loop/spiral.
Whether you realise it or not, the potential other party can generally sense your negativity and/or frustration. This could easily be probed with leading questions or things just to get a sense of your character. And if you're displaying the so-called "red flags" or negativity, it is a lot less likely to get potential buyers, to put so crudely.
Let's get this out of the way. You've had some bad cards, and in your opinion, really bad ones. Fine, that's life. What other parts of you can you capitalise on? What are your strengths, draws for others, so they would find you a potential mate? Are you good at hands-on stuff, are you a builder, are you good at something? What's your selling point?
All we're seeing here are your lamentations and we can't really do anything to help you if you're only providing catastrophic data without any signs of hope. Or do you only see catastrophe and are downplaying your own strength, which you should be leaning/relying on?
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u/fishgum 16h ago
Plenty of short bald ugly men are married. You could be one of them or you could be a defeatist
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u/MaldyBaldy2 13h ago
I’ve never seen a single guy my height who’s bald and is walking around with a lady. Not a single one my entire life
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u/friendsandmodels 1∆ 19h ago
Yes mean we who will never get what we want have to accept that we can only control what we control. You cant control other people liking you but you can control if you give them the opportunity to start liking you, running away would just take you that opportunity and running towards it too strongly will hurt you so you have to develop the sense that it makes you happy if it happens but the time without it does not have to be unhappy. Maybe you compare some 9/10 soloplayer with an imaginary 10/10 multiplayer
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u/Realistic_Yogurt1902 3∆ 19h ago
even experience basic things like a kiss or anything intimate
Being a Western citizen (I am pretty sure you are), gives you access to reasonably cheap prostituts/escorts. If you haven't exercised this option before, I would say you have deeper problems that Reddit can't solve and that some therapy is required.
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u/MaldyBaldy2 19h ago
I haven’t no because if I’m paying for it, they don’t actually want me so I still feel like shit and the same afterwards
And it proves my point because I can’t get it naturally, no?
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u/Prior-Resolution-902 1∆ 18h ago
People bring this up to get you to realize that what you're talking about isn't what you actually mean.
I've seen loads of posts very similar to yours of men complaining for x or y reason that they will never experience what it means to be physical with a woman. The obvious answer is to point out that you can just pay for it, if you reject that, then clearly that isn't something you are actually concerned over or your mis worded what you meant.
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u/Delicious_Taste_39 6∆ 9h ago edited 9h ago
I think a more positive mindset here will probably actually give you far greater chances at happiness and at dating in the long run.
Right now, you're an unhappy guy, and you feel that your lack of romantic success is the cause of your problems.
The trouble with this mindset is that it gives you relatively little to work with. You just don't get to have an opportunity to change things and make improvements without the participation of someone else and you feel that you're in a position where that's not going to happen for you, and maybe you're really in a position where it's going to be hard.
This is a self defeating cycle. You feel like you're not going to get attention, then you don't, then you don't really get any feedback about why, and then you feel worse about it and do even less to try and improve your situation.
Don't give up on love, and don't assume that anything is set in stone. You're just struggling. That's all it is.
I think the far better thing to do is to strip back all of your problems and work out the exact point where it feels like your life is wrong and then start there.
If you're not happy it's not necessarily because there isn't someone to share your happiness with. It's because you're unable to build it alone.
So you have to ask questions about where you're at.
Are you in a job you like, could you be at a better level than you're at right now?
Do you have friends and do you spend a lot of time doing things you want to do with them?
Do you have things you want to do?
Are there dreams that you've left unfulfilled?
Once you've started to understand your position and yourself much better and start achieving your own happiness, it's easier to go out into the world and start meeting people because you can basically say "I've got my own thing going on, it's great, come have a look". Once you reach that state, there's probably a woman out there who is exactly your kind of weird. Women are just as interesting and diverse as men and are just as likely to enjoy video games and walks on the beach. Cycling and steam trains. Birds and bodyboarding.
Also, how close are you to your female friends? If they're really close, try talking to them about yourself. Try and work out how they see you, and then you might have a view of how you come across to people. Whatever people say, don't assume it's automatically bad. It's just information.
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u/yyzjertl 580∆ 19h ago
This is like someone who's never tasted alcohol saying their life would be better if they quit drinking. You can't meaningfully give up something you don't do! What you're suggesting can't really make your life better because it's not changing anything you're doing: you'd be going from not dating to not dating.
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u/MaldyBaldy2 19h ago
Then I guess I should change my title to “give up on trying to date”
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u/yyzjertl 580∆ 19h ago
What exactly are you currently doing to "try to date" that you'd be giving up here?
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u/MaldyBaldy2 19h ago
Things like dating apps (I don’t get any matches), going to work events, going out with friends who aren’t already married with kids etc. it’s much harder now than it used to be, I’ve run out of time.
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u/yyzjertl 580∆ 19h ago
Obviously withdrawing from your social network of friends is not going to make you happier.
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u/MaldyBaldy2 18h ago
Most of my friends are busy with their families anyway.
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u/yyzjertl 580∆ 18h ago
That does not mean that withdrawing from your remaining friends would be a good idea!
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u/MaldyBaldy2 18h ago
I will still talk to them online.
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u/yyzjertl 580∆ 18h ago
This also does not mean that withdrawing from events with your friends would be a good idea.
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u/Big_oily_Knee_Grow 19h ago
Listen mate. Women don't give a FLYING F about your looks. You could look like the human version of KingKong or Godzilla, but as long as you got that CONFIDENCE, you can achieve anything in life. It's confidence and a good personality, talking skills, etc which make you truly truly attractive, not looks. Bro, hit the gym, love yourself, make bucks, and as you set your life in the right tracks, you slowly grow confidence and you'll see a change in how women interact with you. Trust me. It's not looks, it's science.
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u/MaldyBaldy2 19h ago
I wish this was true but I’ve experienced too much mockery, rejections, bad looks and jokes because of my height and bald head that I know it’s not.
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u/Big_oily_Knee_Grow 19h ago
I never said look is not important at all. Yes people bully because of looks. BUT. I know people irl myself who look like they escaped from 6 years in prison, and yet they got such charming personalities that everyone , not just girls, like them nevertheless.You experienced mockery rejection because of which you have LOW confidence and that's why you're unattractive now. It's not easy to gain confidence, so you can try the fake it till you make it method. It works magic. You can also watch David Goggins to get inspiration on hitting the gym.
Throw away the victim mindset. You either hunt or get hunted.
I don't know you personally, but i believe in you man. I know you can do this. You got that potential, that rage within you. Go for it man. Aim for the skies.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Quit925 2∆ 18h ago
Looking like they just escaped from prison is the type of bad boy look many women find physically attractive. That is evidence that looks matter.
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u/Big_oily_Knee_Grow 12h ago
I'm not talking about American prisons lmao they be going to prison like it's some reunion party
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u/MaldyBaldy2 18h ago
How tall are you?
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u/everydaywinner2 1∆ 18h ago
Research consistently finds that married men are happier and more fulfilled in life. Married men tend to live longer. We are social creatures. We need big and little 'r' relationships. While sour grapes might make you feel better in the short term, it tends to lead to a lot of negative emotions in the long term.
If you are getting consistently bad results, then something needs to change. Are you choosing the same kind of women? Maybe try hanging out with another type. For instance, if you have only dated liberal women, maybe see if you have more in common with a conservative woman. Are you trying to date via an app? Maybe try in person. Are you only trying to find women at a place more known for hook ups rather than relationships? If you are trying to meet people at a bar, perhaps try meeting them at a church.
Also, might you be misunderstanding attempts at helpful critique as "mockery and rejection"? If you've been getting the same comments, such as hygiene issues or coming across as too needy, the comments might have been attempts to help you help yourself.
It's okay to take a break from dating. But please don't give up altogether.
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u/Apprehensive_Song490 136∆ 14h ago
Based on research you’d be giving up just as the odds start to tilt in your direction.
For men, desirability increased with age, peaked around age 50, and then declined. For women, average desirability declined from age 18 onward.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6082652/
So I say keep at it until 50 or so, and then maybe throw in the towel.
It’s hard to imagine success when you’ve not had any, but there is still life in the game.
Others have talked about confidence but that’s to mind not so helpful. The optimal strategy is likely to connect with someone who can understand you, if it is to be meaningful, so it’s gonna be a difficult task of finding someone with similar experiences. And as you get older, especially among women who have also experienced loneliness, time is in fact on your side.
Whether you have the personal grit for that is a personal decision that none of us can make for you, but from what we know the game isn’t over yet.
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u/ILikeToJustReadHere 14∆ 18h ago
Less ideal suggestion - Pay for a prostitute and get some physical intimacy experience. Maybe go to a strip club and just talk to the women there.
If you have so many female friends, have you considered asking them to help you become more attractive to other women, or seeing if they know someone who'd be a good partner for you? Part of having friends and a community is that they can help you with these things.
While I agree that "giving up on dating" is a good path for everyone, I only think that's appropriate in the scope that it should not be your primary focus, but a goal you build towards as you focus on other aspects of life.
Go speed dating after you get real feedback from folks in your life and make actual improvements. Those things are lacking in men, and even if you don't succeed there, you can improve yourself more. The least you should be capable of is having genuine conversations with women you were hoping to spark a connection with, even if they aren't attracted to you. Some folks aren't initially attractive and become attractive as an individual gets to know them.
I know its hard, and I'm about to drag you, but these are the types of things you think of if you aren't arrogantly pessimistic. To me, a person who has improved themselves enough and is unattractive will just enjoy life and the connections they make. They won't be numb or jealous, because they've found a way to enjoy life, even if they are still open to having a partner and family eventually.
Or, join a church and get recommended someone.
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u/Kaleb_Bunt 5∆ 7h ago
If you have the will you can certainly get a girlfriend. Oh no, you’re short and bald.
There are people with partners who are:
- homeless
- drug addicts
- severely disabled/disfigured
- literal violent felons and sex offenders
The bar is extraordinarily low. It just, like many other things, requires will and effort.
Certainly you might be happier pursuing other things if you find other things to be more meaningful. But if this is what you want, I wouldn’t quit out of feelings of inadequacy.
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u/CallMeCorona1 30∆ 19h ago
You should take a trip to east Asia. There are (or at least were) lots of Chinese/Vietnamese/Cambodian women who would devote themselves to the first American who would have them.
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