[TW: Sexual Assault] I was sexually assaulted and everyone is scared of the topic

[u/LateButterscotch3014]

Hello, I'm posting in here because ive been lurking for a while and quite like this sub.

For context, I'm a transguy and ive been sexually assaulted twice this year. First time in spring I was stealthed and last weekend someone touched my chest. I actually reported it and now there is an investigation going on. This is my first time reporting that I was assaulted and I'm really proud of myself for that.

However, since last weekend I have been feeling very mediocre. The recent assault brought the first one back up, even though I just started healing.

I already know what helps me in these situations: Being outside, working out and most importantly speaking to my friends.

But the friends whom I trust the most, avoid that topic. These are my closest people and I went through a lot with them together, including depressive episodes in the past. I know I can always talk to them and they can always talk to me.

But as soon as I say "Yeah my mood has been kinda down lately because of the assault", they immediately block and tell me to see a professional. Is it too much to ask that I just want to speak to a friend? Its not like I am depressed, I still enjoy my life and I am going out every day. But sometimes I just need to talk and maybe a hug.

On the other hand I feel proud of them for setting boundaries like this, especially if they feel like they cant handle it. But it makes me feel really lonely. Even if I speak to professional, I would still want to be able to express my feelings to my friends. Because a good support network is the most valuable thing for mental health.

Their reaction drags my mental health down quite a bit and I just needed to talk to someone about this. Thanks for reading.

[u/Fig_Newtons_Redux]

It is not too much to ask, but sometimes people can say "no" if the support you're asking for isn't something they're able to provide.

You said it yourself. There is no easy way to get the support you need. That is the conundrum of negotiated adult relationships. Your needs, no matter how valid or pressing, can still go unmet.

I feel for you greatly and hope your support needs are met soon. Please keep searching for outlets, you deserve them. 🫂

[u/SyntheticDreams_ → u/Fig_Newtons_Redux]

This. That's a really rough situation. I know it's not the same as talking to a friend, but:

• RAINN.org - 24/7 sexual assault hotline, call 800-656-HOPE or text HOPE to 64673.

• 1in6.org - free online peer support groups for men who have been through sexual abuse or assault.

• malesurvivor.org - 24/7 support chat and peer support forums for men who have been through sexual abuse or assault.

• translifeline.org - trans for trans support hotline, open Monday through Friday from 12pm to 8pm Central time. USA: 877-565-8860. Canada: 877-330-6366.

• 988lifeline.org - 24/7 suicide and crisis lifeline, also available for just support and someone to talk to. USA/Canada: call or text 988.

[u/Strawberry_n_bees]

The balance between respecting boundaries and being upset that you don't have support is a tough one. You can't force anyone to have the capacity to be there for you, but it can be a little frustrating when it feels like everyone's capacity is zero. While I'm sure there are valid reasons for it (and maybe some that just don't care), it doesn't change the impact on you.

The thing is, you're the one who has to face the pain the most, not those who get upset hearing about it. I think it's reasonable to expect your friends to support you in hard times, that doesn't make them a therapist to just talk for a while. Therapy is great, but it is far from the only thing that helps with healing; community is another big one, and it sounds like you don't have a lot of that.

Also, no offense to the person who listed them, but helplines don't help when you need community care. It feels like that high five drowning meme when people say "You should see a therapist" or "here's a helpline." They are aware enough to acknowledge that it's a problem, but don't want to be part of the solution or care (mainly talking about people who know you in real life, the internet can't quite give the same thing in most circumstances).

Have you tried asking people for support in a different way? Like another commenter said, reaching out and saying, "Hey, I've been really struggling with what happened to me over the past few months/year, and I could use some genuine support. Do you have time to talk for 30 minutes? I'm open to therapy, but therapy can't give me community and friendship." (Or you could suggest other forms of support that could help, like going on a walk or hike, or having someone hang out at your house with a specific distraction, but base it on things that have helped or things that you think might help you specifically).

I don't think it's a bad thing, but therapy has never been a place where you go to get fixed and then go about your life like normal. It's a tool that can help, but it needs to be combined with other needs, social, emotional, physical, etc. If your basic needs aren't met, things are going to be really difficult, but the same is true for emotional needs as well. Tbh I see those as basic too, you just won't die in 3-4 days from a lack of comforting socialization like you would with water.

[u/hub_mccann]

I’m really sorry this happened to you.

I can’t speak for others but I can say having been the friend in similar situations, I don’t have the capability to listen or help in these situations because of my own mental health. Call me what you want but I can’t be this person for myself let alone others.

[u/DucksButt]

I won't talk about your feelings regarding your assaults, as it kinda doesn't seem like that's the real topic here. From what I read it looks like you're really talking about wanting to have friends that can be there for you.

One think you might consider is something like "I kinda want to get some feelings off my chest, and I don't need to take over the next hour talking about it, but I'd really like to express something that's been bothering me. Can you hear me out for the next 15 minutes? What's a good way for me to talk about this that you can listen to?"

Sometimes cis guys (assuming they're a part of your friend group) don't really know how to talk about assault. We're usually the perpetrators, and often a little shy to have opinions on things. Maybe for good reasons.

If what you're talking about is that you want to be able to talk to your friends about these emotions, that might be a path forward.

[u/Ampersandbox]

I had to look up what "stealthed" meant in this context.

Internet says it's "non-consensual and secret removing of the condom during intercourse." That's transgressive and horrible. I hope you can get tested soon, and that it brings you peace of mind.

[u/spiked-oasis → u/Ampersandbox]

stealth is a term used by the trans community to communicate that someone passes as their gender and they are not super open about being trans

[u/lordtrickster → u/spiked-oasis]

That definition doesn't sound like assault. The person you responded to had a definition that is. That said, I could certainly be missing something.

[u/spiked-oasis → u/lordtrickster]

oh, rereading the post now you’re definitely right

[u/LateButterscotch3014 → u/Ampersandbox]

I already did and it came back negative :)

[u/sowinglavender]

not to be rude but everyone in this thread is being so annoying, lol. like, have enough people drilled into you yet that nobody owes you shit?

so much of assault trauma comes from the process of being ostracized and excluded by peers who are made 'uncomfortable' by our experiences, and then from having that harm to us upheld and validated by others tripping over themselves to remind us that our loved ones have every right to withhold emotional support from us if they feel like it, as though we're asking for a law against it and not just observing on an unmet need. it is profoundly demoralizing.

i am here to make sure you know that it's actually not okay to emotionally abandon somebody you care about when they go through a personal tragedy, and you don't have to pretend that it is just because your personal tragedy is one that's incredibly socially stigmatized. the people who think you should don't realize that their own biases are causing them to act hateful to trauma survivors.

you are allowed to process this as a betrayal of care. you are allowed to view it as a reflection on their character. you are allowed to use this experience to inform how much trust you put in these people going forward, and you are allowed to mourn the fact that your relationships with them may be fundamentally changed forever due to their inability to accept and sit with the reality of what happened to you.

we often find that we have to lean on and take care of each other, in part because those who can't relate to us constantly reassure one another that they don't and shouldn't have to try.

[u/Strawberry_n_bees → u/sowinglavender]

Yes, thank you. I know men have a hard time supporting each other, but I thought that's what this sub was for, not a chorus of "nobody is obligated to support you."

[u/ThunderingTacos]

My guess is (and please let me know if I'm off with this) is that your friends are of a very solution-oriented mindset. To them I'm guessing it feels like an awkward moment because there isn't something they feel they can really "do" to change what happened to you or affect the person who did it, and they maybe don't understand the value of/know how to emotionally hold space for you in those moments. (they might see it is as impractical or not really see how discussing it among friends helps process the feelings associated with that assault)

Their kneejerk reaction of insisting you speak to a professional is hard to tell how much is not wanting to say something to you to hurt you or put you in a worse headspace if they are even sure "what to say", thinking saying "sorry that happened to you" may feel hollow to you, if they are cis guys themselves they may feel unsure of how to navigate your feelings, or something else.

Regardless, it's messed up that happened to you and although it may not mean much I am also proud of you for reporting your assault. That took massive courage, especially touching on old wounds still healing. I do hope you find friends you can confide in about your feelings and pain, hopefully among the ones you've mentioned here.

[u/smallangrynerd]

One of my gripes with modern culture is how “go to therapy” is an end all be all. Therapy is great, but sometimes you just want to talk to a friend. I don’t have any advice, I just want to say that I get what you’re feeling and you are not alone in being frustrated by this.

[u/Olliemeow]

Hey bro, I'm also a trans guy and feel free to message me if you want to vent to someone

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[u/Mundane-Carpet-8101]

I’m gonna toss this out there because it’s probably how I would feel in their situation. I’m a cis guy. The way I’ve experienced violence and victimization is distinctly different from yours. I’d feel completely unequipped to offer you counsel or actionable advice on your experiences. Not just unequipped, I’d be scared I would say something harmful out of sheer ignorance. So, in this, I would also deflect to a safe response, like recommending a professional. For you, I’d recommend that you let your friends know that you don’t want advice, you just want your bros around, that their presence or their listening to your problem is enough and is really what you’re looking for. Good luck out there, bro.