r/bropill • u/Bobslegenda1945 • 7d ago
Brositivity I just realized now that I started HRT around the same month and week day I tried to kill myself two years ago.
Yes, it sounds weird how I phrased it, and it may be strange how it's presented as a positive event bc o suffered in the past.
But two years ago, on September 27th, a Friday, I tried to kill myself (18yo). I wrote it down in my journal a goodbye, I was so bad.
And now, two years later, on a Friday, September 25th I put my first dose (20yo).
I'm thinking about how this is an evolution. I was desperate. I never thought I'd make it this far.
But I'm here.
I'm doing it secretly from my parents, using subdoses, girlmod. I'm often afraid that I'm not really trans, that I'm pretending, that I'll regret it. But I've been feeling the warmth that must be from bottom growth. I've also gotten small pimples around my lips now, lol. And I'm not lying, I'm excited when I will have a little bit of mustache fuzz and I can start twirling and pulling it with my fingers XD.
Yes, it's going to suck to girlmod, hiding the effects, training your voice to sound feminine, shaving everything off, and being terrified my parents will find out. But I'm on T!
I think my biggest fear is my parents finding out, how they'll react, their grief, if something will happen. At least I don't think I'll be kicked out of the house. Maybe my mother will notice how my mental health has improved with T, and it will gradually change her mind.
I'm still a little preoccupied, afraid of them, of religion, but I want to fulfill my dreams! I want to date! I want to see my cockatiel's eggs hatch!
Of course, it doesn't fix everything. I still have a shit dysphoria, but doing something about it has already helped so much, even if I still cry and get depressed sometimes, but I'm feeling more neutral to best. And lol, yes. I still fear that I am faking, I am not trans or regressing it XD
I still have several traumas to deal with, such as religious ones. I'm a Christian and I want to go to a progressive church.I couldn't pray or read the Bible because of all the trauma the Assembly of God church put me through. But now I want to start, even if it's at home!
Of course it won't be a bed of roses, but it's still so "wow".
I'm actually excited to sing. I stopped singing when I was about 9 or 10 years old. Maybe because I didn't like my voice and had dysphoria, but I'm getting excited. I want to dress up more, I want to feel pretty.
My God. This seems like something out of a complete cinematic accident. I can't believe this coincidence either, it's incredible. Maybe God wrote it, it was a miracle or I don't know. But it's incredible.
By the way, I think the scent effects of the herb are starting to kick in now. 🥀. It's time for me to get a Phebo soap (idk why, but this soap makes me euphoric. I feel like a gentleman from the xx century).
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u/Barrel-Dweller Brolosopher 5d ago
As a cis guy, I absolutely love twirling my mustache and stroking my beard and i can't wait for you to join me. Congratulations!
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u/crystalfruitpie 5d ago
Congratulations! Good for you for pursuing your needs despite repressive environments. Re: mental health improving from T, hopefully it may give you a boost to finding somewhere else to live before your parents know.
I got my hysterectomy last year, near the date of 8-9 years after my last attempt. I'm 3.5 years on T now.
Julian K. Jarboe: "God blessed me by making me transsexual for the same reason he made wheat but not bread and fruit but not wine: so that humanity might share in the act of creation."