How do i criticise my mentally ill mom without hurting her feelings?

[u/L1am_J4mes]

Im 15ftm and I kinda need help because I'm not quite sure how to deal with my mom.

Everytime she talks about me as a child she always puts emphasis on the fact that I used to be a girl and uses my deadname saying that it's okay because back then I wasn't trans yet.

Now this is a small issue that is easily resolvable by communicating correctly but the thing is it's just really hard to talk to my mom about stuff.

Every single time I bring up a topic that just suggests her behaviour is wrong in anyway she immediately starts saying stuff like "you hate me","I'm the worst mom ever".

Now I am quite aware that thats because of her bpd and depression but it's making it really hard for me to bring up things that genuinely bother me.

Has anyone ever gone through a similar situation or at least knows how to deal with that? Any advice is appreciated

From trans bros or cis bros it doesn't really matter because the issue at hand is more my moms reaction to criticism and not what I want to talk to her about

Im sorry if anything I write I grammatically wrong English isn't my first language and im supposed to be asleep cuz its a school night

Thank you for reading and any advice you might have

Edit: for anyone worrying about my situation I dont live with my mom i moved to my dad at 13(or 12?) after my mom had a time where she wasn't doing good I see her on weekends If I want Also I can't influence what meds she takes but I do know she has to take some

[u/DevinB333]

That could be a result of her mental health, but it’s also a common manipulation tactic. Any criticism prompting a “you hate me. I’m the worst mother ever.” Is her trying to get you to back off so she doesn’t have to change.

My advice is to say “I never said I hated you. I never said you were a bad mom. I said this one thing bothers me. If hearing that makes you think you’re a bad mom, that’s your opinion. Not mine.” She’ll probably overreact or get emotional though. And it’s very important you don’t yell or cry because she might use that as a reason not to listen to you.

If you have a therapist or school counselor you trust, they could maybe help you find some strategies as well.

[u/GeneralStrikeFOV → u/DevinB333]

Yeah, I saw this and thought this is typical emotionally immature boomer parent blackmail.

[u/mutmad → u/GeneralStrikeFOV]

Reading the book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” was a revelatory life changer for me.

It put so much of that shit into stark perspective.

[u/Cosmic_Prop]

Hey pal. I don't know how many of these commenters had BPD moms but I'm sure you can tell that some of these suggestions would be...unlikely to yield positive results. If she really does have BPD then you've gotta decide if it's worth the cost. I understand dead naming can be pretty jarring and upsetting so it may be worth it to you to make that issue. Sometimes it's worth the backlash. For me it was safer to grey rock as much as possible and get out as soon as I was safe and capable. I wish you all the best.

[u/MESSAGE_ME_UR_DICK → u/Cosmic_Prop]

Yeah, have to agree, not every hill is worth climbing here. Existing with a mentally parent is 10% finding the right wording 90% learning to let go and care less about what they say in my personal experience.

[u/NostradaMart]

As a father of 3 with BPD I'd tell you that it all starts frm her working on herself and getting medicated, it won't "cure" the bpd but it helps sooooooooooooooooo much to manage the "symptoms" . It helps taking mood stabilizers and therapy. I don't know how you could talk to her but I know there's ways that she can make her a better human.

[u/ruthbaddergunsburg]

I just want to share something that I didn't really learn or internalize until I became a mom myself.

You are not responsible for your mother's feelings.

Be kind. Try to speak when emotions are under control and not when either of you is actively upset at the other. Frame your approach around "I feel hurt when you deadname me, even when you don't mean to. What can I do to help you remember to use [my new name?]. I love you and I want to protect our relationship"

But, at the end of the day, YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER FEELINGS. If she makes a mistake and correcting her makes her feel bad, thats on her to deal with. You are the kid and you don't need to be the director of her internal emotional life. It's ok for her to feel bad about hurting you, even when she doesn't mean to. And it's ok for you to expect better, even if she's sick.

You are the kid. She owes YOU the work of dealing with her own reactions. You owe her nothing but the normal decency you should show any other human being.

Sincerely, mom of 2

[u/YardageSardage]

To be clear, her borderline and depression and other personal mental health problems might make her FEEL like you hate her, but it is her job to MANAGE that feeling in a healthy and responsible way. And complaining to you like that is not healthy or responsible. 

For example, when you tell her that she's doing something wrong, her mental illnesses may cause her to feel a big, dramatic spike of guilt and rejection. But if she's being responsible and getting treatment, then she should know that those feelings are a symptom of her illness, and not a sign that you're actually attacking her. It's her job to work on understanding the difference between those things and responding appropriately. And if she messes up and accidentally treats you like you're attacking her when you're not, then she owes you an apology. It's a lot of hard work and very difficult, but she HAS to TRY.

Instead, by acting like this, she's trying to make it your job to manage her emotions, whether they're caused by her illness or by reality. And that's very unfair and very unhealthy for both of you. (Especially for a mother to do to her child!) 

Unfortunately, there may not be anything you can do to make her stop, because she has to be willing to choose to take responsibility for her emotions. And if she's not willing to do that, no one can make her change. So all you can do is try to protect your own mental health and refuse to talk to her (as much as you can) when she's being toxic. 

[u/gospelofrage → u/YardageSardage]

BPD = borderline personality. Bipolar is only abbreviated as BP. JSYK!

[u/YardageSardage → u/gospelofrage]

Oops you're right

[u/BagOfSmallerBags]

Just tell her. If she freaks out, she freaks out. But then she'll know you don't like it, and will presumably stop doing it.

[u/Dutch_Rayan → u/BagOfSmallerBags]

She probably won't stop

[u/charlottebythedoor]

The simple answer is that you can’t. It’s out of your control. You have control over the words you use to criticize somebody. And as I’m sure you’re aware, it’s worth it to think about those words first, so you say what you mean instead of lashing out and making personal attacks. But you have no control over how somebody feels when they hear your words. 

Sometimes it’s hard when you already have a really strong emotional relationship with the person. Some parents have a really hard time listening to what their kid is actually saying, because parenting just comes with so many strong emotions already. I ran into this problem when I was a teenager. I actually asked my parents if I could see a therapist, and after a few sessions with the therapist I asked if we could have family group therapy together. My dad and I in particular had this pattern of getting too emotional to actually hear what the other person was trying to communicate. We didn’t want to, it just happened and we didn’t know how to fix it. Having a therapist as an intermediary really helped. They’re trained to do just that. 

Would your mom be open to having a few sessions with a family therapist? You can look for therapists who specialize in teenagers and in relationships between teens and their parents. 

[u/PiersPlays]

I'd recommend focusing on learning more general strategies for handling a BPD parent. Within that you'll naturally find your best answers to this specific issue. Sorry you're dealing with this. It's not your fault.

[u/macsyourguy]

This might not work but if you think it might, you can say "you are a great mom which is why I have enough faith in you that I believe if I (teach you, tell you, how I want to be treated , the right terminology, that kind of thing goes here), you'll (be able to handle, respect my wishes, be mature enough to..., etc). If you were a bad mom and I hated you, I wouldn't even bother bringing up things like this." I don't know your situation so it might suck to give ground to your mom like this, but if your aim is to try to maintain a relationship (WHICH ISNT FOR EVERYONE) it often takes more work on your part and making them feel like coming around to your side is the more evolved thing which is why you're "allowing" them to be privy to it. Idk how specific and anecdotal this is so take with a large ladle of salt.

[u/atsugnam]

Look up non-violent communication. It’s a step through way to construct your conversation in a way that provides feedback without invoking defensiveness. Very effective

[u/ArtFun6827 → u/atsugnam]

NVC is great but not sufficient alone as a strategy for this situation. Untreated BPD in the parent-child relationship requires OP to use a different approach than they would with a friend or someone on an even power hierarchy. Unfortunately the kind of closeness and authenticity that NVC is aiming to provide is often intolerable if Mom is not doing her own work or treatment to that end. 

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[u/ZombiiRot]

Yeah my mom does that too it's so frustrating :(

[u/wretchedmagus]

"I wasn't trying to hurt your feelings, you are hurting both of our feelings and I would prefer you stop hurting the feelings of two people I love, me and you."

[u/Immediate_Smoke4677]

i dated a girl with bpd and sometimes it helped to name what was happening;
'i'm the worst mom ever' "it sounds like you're splitting into black and white thinking. you're seeing two spaces, but i'm trying to communicate to you a third, a third space that is the truth between the two, where i don't hate you and you are a good mom, and you're slipping up in this area. you're going to keep slipping and it doesn't make you a bad mom because you love me and you keep trying to get it right."

something kind of like that. you're doing great op

[u/ArtFun6827 → u/Immediate_Smoke4677]

A great approach but also important that OP doesn't take on the responsibility of becoming Mom's DBT therapist. 

Something that feels blunt but I've seen be helpful is to resist getting pulled into the reassurance cycle by saying, "That's a different subject. I'm asking you about dead naming/misgendering me. Can we finish talking about that before we talk about your feelings please?" 

Both affirms the relationship and that OP will attune to Mom eventually, but doesn't allow the emotional volatility to direct the convo. 

If Mom is distressed or explodes, walk away. Communication can't happen without regulation. 

[u/aenflex]

You can’t reason with the mentally ill. Or a narcissist.

You just need to do the best you can for yourself until you can safely move out.

Understand you may likely never have a whole, loving real mother and start working on accepting that.

You can’t fix her. I speak from experience.

[u/peterdbaker]

You won’t be able to. It has little to do with mental illness; most people don’t like criticism and suck at handling it. Nevertheless, sometimes they need to hear it.

[u/OmegaGrox]

Its a dicey move but it may be useful to imagine this conversation in your head- what if you agreed with her? And said that shes right and she is terrible?

Sometimes with these things, someone is so scared of an outcome that they spend all their energy on making sure it doesnt happen. Often ensuring the thing theyre scared of does happen, as people inevitably cannot appease the worry every day forever.

Maybe she is terrible, and its not the end of the world and its not something to live in fear of. Maybe you say yes she is, and tell her you dont want to feel that, and what would make you feel better.

Again, play the idea in your head, you know her better than me and could imagine what the reaction would be. Think of possible good outcomes as well as bad ones.

Often one conversation doesnt go well, until people are left alone to think.

Emphasise that her not being nice isnt a permanent thing, and is something she has a choice in. Many psychological issues come down to control and lack of autonomy, feeling like you can change things is very important, both for her but also you.

[u/Variaxist]

This kind of sounds exactly like a similar situation I recall with someone who turned out to have pmdd which is severely undiagnosed. Pepcid can do wonders for it, but it's also an off label use. I don't think there's a good way to bring up this possibility without another family member agreeing that it could fit the situation.

[u/fiveordie]

This is going to sound harsh, but I feel I can speak with authority since my own mother has very similar mental health issues: you can't. You never will. She will never be able to have an emotionally mature conversation. She has no listening skills, no conflict resolution skills, and she doesn't want to have them. Give up. Do what you need to do to protect yourself, and don't keep wasting your time. I moved away and went very low contact, and that's how I have to keep things.

[u/gospelofrage → u/[deleted]]

I’m not sure why you felt it necessary to state your views on “deadname.” The name is dead, actually. Do you similarly hate the terms deadline, dead end, et cetera? Just seems an asinine thing to nitpick.

“Old” him is the same person as “new” him. Just like he’s always been a boy internally who was socially identified as a girl by others, this name has always been here waiting. At least that is how I see it as a trans person. I don’t think you have any right to say otherwise, honestly. Yours is the same viewpoint used to justify “my daughter is dead I need to mourn” and other harmful sentiments.