Regrets And Perspectives

[u/Timbucktwo1230]

[u/Some-Tear3499]

My late wife, (my third wife and I was her third husband )had some discussions about our 15 yrs together. She was close to or already in hospice care at home. Stage 4 breast cancer. We knew what was coming. We talked about the ‘gifts’ we had given each other. She told me that I gave her freedom. Freedom?

She said when I wanted to build a Faire Garden in the front yard, you said go ahead. When I wanted to go back to school at age 50, you said yes, When I wanted to build The Tea House in the back yard, you said yes. The Faire Garden could be seen from the street, people,from the neighborhood could see it, and the first yr they came and visited it. The Tea House is a 12 x14 feet structure, 16 feet high. She designed it, she built it almost completely by herself. I was grunt labor, for hauling materials, and buying her tools for birthdays and holidays. It took 3 yrs to complete it. She went back to school to get a 2 yr. Technical Degree in Engineering. That enabled her to really advance in her job. Suddenly she was making almost the same money I was making after almost 18 yrs on a now union job. She said I gave her the freedom to pursue her Spiritual expression, with friends and with groups, she became a Pagan. She told me that was the best thing I gave her. The freedom to do what she wanted to do,,what she wanted to pursue. If she wanted to dress up for the Renn Fair, she said I told her to do it! Be want ever you want to be!

She said no one else in her life before me let her do what SHE wanted to do.

She has been gone 22 months now. Forever 55.

[u/Pendo-illsmackabitch → u/Some-Tear3499]

Isn't it crazy and totally weird that grown women have to ask for permission as if they aren't fully capable beings? Grown and mature and responsible enough to carry a fetus, birth a baby, grow/raise a human, but yet, not fully cognizant to just do things without permission.

Of course, things are a little different now. I think about 40% of women can do what they want when they want without permission, but we still have a long way to go.

[u/NinaNeptune318 → u/Pendo-illsmackabitch]

In all my customer service jobs, by far, more men said they needed to ask their wife for permission. Just something to chew on.

[u/Vivid__Data → u/NinaNeptune318]

That's a common joke.

[u/Icy-Ad29 → u/Vivid__Data]

It's also a common truth

[u/Vivid__Data → u/Icy-Ad29]

Except people like you don't really care about experiences, just hurting other people. You don't want to understand, you want to "debunk". Which is actually so harmful to the victims.

It makes no sense at all.

[u/Thedarb → u/Vivid__Data]

… is there context between you two missing here? That’s a wild turn otherwise.

[u/NinaNeptune318 → u/Thedarb]

What did they say? They deleted.

[u/SureEntertainer7818 → u/NinaNeptune318]

its not deleted, they probably just blocked you.

It says:

Except people like you don't really care about experiences, just hurting other people. You don't want to understand, you want to "debunk". Which is actually so harmful to the victims. It makes no sense at all.

[u/Icy-Ad29 → u/Thedarb]

None I know of. Nor am I really sure what they said, cus they then immediately blocked me after posting that. So all I can see is the notification of "people like you..."and message trail off...

So yeah, single post leads to a message starting like that and a block, is pretty wild.

[u/Western-Sport500 → u/NinaNeptune318]

My ex would say this to his friends if they wanted him to go on a trip etc. and he wanted to think about it. Turns out, I was never asked, I was told whether he would be going or not. Not one time did he ask for permission, or worry about childcare while I worked and he was gone etc. And I simply didn't have the money to go on like vacations etc.

[u/NinaNeptune318 → u/Western-Sport500]

Oh for sure, just like the character in the OP that is playing the role of the woman who wanted to go to nursing school. She could have just decided to go to school and made moves to do so. If she was genuinely incapable of going to school, that wasn't a matter of permission anymore.

My comment was in response to someone who seems to think that only women are expected to get "permission" from men when in reality, there is a difference between couples who prefer to communicate and make decisions together vs those who have one person as the authority for certain decision-making.

In the cases I am referring to, there are even times the couple is in together, and the woman is the one making all the decisions. Sometimes to the point that the man wants something, but because she doesn't like or eat it, it doesn't get bought, period. Another family near me runs a convenience store, and the wife doesn't eat meat and forbids meat to be brought into the house. I'm asking that individual commenter to consider that there are plenty of relationships the other way around, and neither are good if the person is being controlled or denied and not an equal partner.