r/MenGetRapedToo • u/throwaway_19916144 • 20d ago
I don't feel safe around Women...
Throwaway for obvious reasons... I, divorced (35m) have been raped 3 times and almost coerced into sex under threat of a false rape claim before and during my marriage. My ex wife doesn't know.
The 1st time.
At 18 in college, I went to a going away party for a group of foreign exchange students the night before they were to leave for the airport the following morning. One of them (FE) was a woman who had been interested in me all semester. I had a girlfriend but we had broken up around the time of the party. Mutual friends had let me know that FE was hoping to spend her last night in America with me. Being newly single and coming back from a pretty bad heartbreak, I was receptive to this. For context, I dont drink but if in a social setting I'll only have 1 or 2 beers nursed over a couple of hours. At the party, FE was overly attentive, flirty and handsy. All of wich I was receptive too. I had had one beer and at some point FE handed me a 2nd beer that was already opened. Next thing I know, it is the next morning. I am back in my dorm, in my bed and naked with obvious tell tale signs that sex had happened.
I was confused on why I didn't remember the night. I remember thoughts running through my head. "I only drank 2 drinks... right?" "Why don't I remember last night?" "Was I drugged?" "FE gave me an already opened bottle. Did she drug me? If so, why?" "I was a consenting and willing partner. Why would I need to be drugged?" I felt disoriented and numb. I needed to be grounded so I reached out to a couple of male friends. They confirmed that although I only had 2 beers I was "beyond gone" and barely on my feet as they described it. FE apparently supported me on my feet as we left and took me to my dorm.
...but if I was that far gone, I absolutely couldn't consent to sex. Previously willing or not. I reached out to a few of our female friends and... well... to say their responses fucked me up is an understatement. Friend 1 told me that since I wanted it anyway, It wasn't really rape. Friend 2 told me that men can't get raped because (insert bullshit about genders and social power imbalances or whatever nonsense). The 3rd friend had the same take as the 1st but took it a step further. Since I wanted it initially, it couldn't be rape. Further, I should keep it to myself because since I wanted it and wasn't outwardly distraught about it, my continuing to call it rape invalidated the trauma and experiences of ACTUAL rape victims and that I should simply be happy I "got laid". The 4th friend told me I should not report her and keep it to myself because it could jeopardize FE's chances of returning to the states and causing her a hardship.
...needless to say I am no longer in contact with these people... but they successfully shamed me into silence...
The attempted coercion.
Fast forward years later. I had served a stint in the military, was honorably discharged, newly married and working a security job at a mall that I loved. We have a new hire. A female security officer. (FSO) FSO had a very uncomfortable attraction to me and I had to firmly make it known that I was married and not interested. Several months passed and I thought the matter was settled as at this point we had had numerous shifts together with no issues. One night I am walking to my car and I hear FSO trying to start her car but having issues. I knew she lived nearby so I offered to give her a lift. As I said, months have passed with no issues. She accepts and I start driving. FSO thanks me for the lift and asks if I want to come inside for a drink. I politely decline as I still don't drink. She then invites me in for some baked goods she has. Again, I politely decline. She THEN asks if I could come inside and help her find a jump box she has and help her with her car. At this point the hair on my neck is standing up as this is the 3rd time she has tried to get me in her house. We get to a red light and I reach into my pocket, pull out my phone and start recording.
...as we sit in awkward silence at the light, she hits me with "you know my dad's is a cop, right? So he'll believe anything I tell him." The blood in my legs run cold. I asked her to elaborate on what exactly she means by that. She tells me I know exactly what she means. And that I can either go inside with her and "let whatever happens happen" or she will tell her dad, our work and my wife that I tried to force myself on her. At this point I pull over and yell at her to get the fuck out of my car. I reveal my phone and let her know I had her whole threat recorded. At this point I am shaking and in the midst of a panic attack and just want this to end. I tell her to not come into work tomorrow. Or ever. That if I see her or hear from her I will send the recording to her dad, the police and everyone she knows. I drive off and leave her on the side of the road. I eventually pull over and have a full blown anxiety attack. All the feelings from college came flooding back and made me realize I hadn't dealt with any of it. I went home but didn't say anything to my wife. My threat must have worked because I never saw FSO again...
The 2nd time
At this point, we have a daughter who I love dearly. However, issues started developing in my marriage unrelated to the above. One of which was the decline of intimacy. I have always been a physical person. Touch is my love language and sex has always been a way that I felt loved and cared about and how I expressed it. It's not the act alone, but the intimacy of it. Various stresses had come up and it had been happening less and less. I entered a depression. One day I attempted to initiate and my wife shut me down unusually harsh. (I guess she had been having a particularly day). I don't remember specifically what was said but I believe I bluntly asked if this is how its going to be. If we were going to grow into those couples that just... stop? She got irritated and dragged me to the bedroom and told me to hurry up so we can get this over with. I told her no and that this wasn't what I was wanting and it this point she had already begun to yank my pants off. I was torn. Yes I wanted sex, but not just for the sake of sex. Whatever this was wasn't what I was wanting. She mounted me and I ended up finishing embarrassingly fast. She noticed and gave me this... disgusted look and said "...really?" and got off of me. I grabbed my pants and went into my media room and closed the door. I just sat there in the dark going over what just happened in my head. We never spoke of it and I don't think she would even remember it if I brought it up all these years later.
The 3rd time.
Toward the end of our marriage, I became unemployed. I started driving full time for Uber and Lyft while job hunting to keep the bills paid. I mainly drove nights and was still fairly new at it. I had picked up a group of 3 women from a nightclub and drove them to a house. All 3 were heavily intoxicated. As I drove, one of the women directly behind me began getting handsy with me and I had asked them repeatedly to please not touch the driver. We were on the freeway so I couldn't exactly stop. She reached around and began unbuttoning my pants...
...I felt the familiar coldness in my legs again... my heart was pounding in my chest and I got tunnel vision. I felt helpless and frozen. I let it happen. The woman in the front seat saw what was happening and leaned over and took me in her mouth. I managed to articulate "please stop" but it didn't matter. I eventually reached their destination. The woman behind me kissed me on the cheek and gave me a $100. I stopped working that night, found a dark parking lot and... just sat there.
This incident combined with unrelated troubles in my marriage and some acute medical issues eventually let to a couple of suicide attempts. My ex wife had become bitter. I had become closed off and shut down. I had started sleepwalking. Talking in my sleep. Stress eating. I never told my ex about any of the stuff that had happened because after some arguments, she no longer felt... safe... to talk to. Home was no longer home. Nothing and no one felt... "safe"... for me.
We divorced. I hit rock bottom. Became homeless for a bit, but with the help of the VA I managed to find housing and employment again. My ex and I are on good terms. I have scheduled visitation with my daughter but in practice I can see her whenever I want. I have been in 1 relationship since that ended amicably, but... I still carry this... emptiness. I hate being lonely, but am also terrified of women... its like this hell of wanting to feel safe in the arms of the opposite sex but to do so I need to force my self to socialize with a group of people that I absolutely do not feel safe around... I've been to different therapists. It doesn't help. It just makes me feel retraumatized and tired. I still have never talked to my ex wife about any of this. Or any of my friends/family for that matter.
3
u/dirtysock47 19d ago
Man, i feel this so much. After i was groped by a senior girl as a freshman at church camp, I've definitely developed a distrust of women. I feel like they like me due to some superficial trait about me, instead of liking me for who i am as a person. It's so bad that whenever a woman is nice to me my heart drops to the bottom of my stomach, and i have a panic attack. I know this has cost me at least one potential relationship, and possibly a couple more.
To give an example, an unhealthy coping mechanism that i had was onlyfans, and there was a particular creator that i was subbed to that kept telling me i was uh, well endowed. Normally, i just think that this is an effort to get my money, but i had a bit of an epiphany one day and deleted everything. She began messaging me on Instagram and kept trying to get my attention, including posting stuff to her page obviously directed at me. She did eventually stop after i wouldn't pay her any mind, but that kind of reinforced my theory.
I understand that this might not be for everybody, but maybe trying to find a church or something. I know there's alot of men's church groups, to piggy back off the other comment. My faith in God has definitely helped me, but i understand if you're not religious.
I'd also suggest music. "Embracing Emptiness" by Crowbar is a great song when you just feel like shit. Gets all of the emotions out.
2
u/Necessary_Day_7861 17d ago
Faith helped me too. It really did.
3
u/dirtysock47 16d ago
Yeah, although it was a little difficult for me because my story did happen in a religious setting.
2
u/Intelligent-Bird-313 Survivor 16d ago
Amazing! I’m a devout Catholic, and Eucharistic adoration never fails to comfort me!
2
u/Necessary_Day_7861 15d ago
Same! Catholic here!
2
u/Intelligent-Bird-313 Survivor 15d ago
Awesome! In which ways do you like spending time with God?
2
u/Necessary_Day_7861 14d ago
I like taking time to write my own prayers for God, but otherwise I enjoy spending time with God at Mass (but I also spend time with him all day every day of course!). What about you?
1
u/Intelligent-Bird-313 Survivor 14d ago
I have a chill prayer routine of reading the daily Mass readings, five books of the Bible a day, etc. I love adoration the best, though!
2
u/Necessary_Day_7861 17d ago
I'm so sorry that this happened to you, especially multiple times with different women.
I actually relate to what you are saying a lot. I'm not scared of women per se, but sometimes even in a platonic relationship I can have internal anxiety attacks and feelings of paranoia (and only with women when I am alone with them) which really shouldn't happen.
My best advice is to give it time. Hobbies, clubs, religion and entertainment can be really effective in their own right, but you should really give time if you actually want to heal and socialise again. That's all that worked for me.
Again, I'm really sorry that you went through this and that you didn't have many supportive friends, because that makes it more difficult for you.
I shall pray for your recovery <3
3
u/throwaway_19916144 17d ago
For me, the anxiety is with women I don't know.
2
2
u/dirtysock47 16d ago
Same here. I never interacted with my abuser in my life before she did that to me.
6
u/Intelligent-Bird-313 Survivor 20d ago
This is horrible, and you shouldn’t have been put through this. After reading all this, I understand your fear of women, even though I’m female myself. It’s no surprise to me that you are afraid because you were used by multiple women. Despite what anyone has ever said, all these instances are rape, and being male doesn’t change anything. If any of these women forced you to have sex with her against your will, then she raped you. I get that therapy doesn’t work. Hasn’t for me. I usually find comfort in a passion or hobby, in order to get my mind off anything that’s bother me. Brotherly camaraderie is also amazing, and I recommend that a lot since women may be off your list for now. You sound like someone who is deeply wounded, and therefore I’d suggest healing time. An injury‘s only ever going to get better with proper rest and care. You’re already on the right path just by bringing this to light!