r/HonestHotTakes • u/Pizza-Kurwa • 7h ago
serious hot take There are too many people who realize they hate parenthood when it's too late.
Many people decide to have children without truly reflecting on how difficult and complex the process is.
It's common for them to act similarly to when they adopt a puppy: they're enthusiastic at first, but when the novelty wears off or complications arise, many parents become emotionally detached. Yes, the child is fed, housed, and clothed but there is more to raising a human than just that. And, unlike a pet, a child cannot be rehomed because a parent decides they're unfit. Many children are being raised by screens as a result.
My heart hurts for these people, but especially the children.
I think having to provide childcare over an extended period of time should be more common. For instance, what if teenagers were required to volunteer at an elementary school or daycare for a period of time? What if we asked them to imagine living that reality long-term rather than just experiencing it as a temporary volunteer project? It would be a tangible experience to reflect on.
I know I felt so much relief when I'd go home after a babysitting gig, or how glad I was when my younger siblings could finally do more for themselves. Those feelings have never been forgotten, I know I don't have it in me to be a parent.
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u/fnv0ih53 7h ago
Anecdotally, most people who have children tend to have no plans beyond the next month if at all
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u/No_Parsnip6024 7h ago
Half the people I know had kids on accident. They can't even plan birth control.
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u/FoxyRin420 6h ago
I have four kids, and two cats. Every moment of my schedule is booked for the next six months.
Whenever another parent tells me they don't know their plans I look at them like they have two heads because I don't know how they live like that.
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u/RockabillyBelle 1h ago
Yeah the only way I’m able to function is because of my heavily color coded Google Calendar and the shared calendars I have on top of that.
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u/willow_glade 7h ago
It's more complicated than they don't think about how difficult it is. Society brainwashes people into thinking the difficult parts of parenting will never outweigh the easy parts oparenting, and that the challenges will always be worth it.
It's only very recent that people have started to speak out against that narrative, and that needs to be encouraged because it's the only way to reduce the families this happens to.
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u/Yomi_Lemon_Dragon 7h ago
"No-one told me how hard it'd be!" Said by people who've presumably never interacted with a parent before, including their own.
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u/Bubblelight289 6h ago
I basically agree with you but know that potential grandparents will say anything at all to get those kids born.
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u/CzarTanoff 6h ago
Lol yah. Plus, as a parent i have to say that NO amount of hearing how hard it is actually makes you appreciate how hard being a parent can be. Its just words until you actually experience the trenches of raising kids.
With that in mind, i think people assume parents who are struggling just didn't consider that parenting was hard. When in reality i believe they WERE warned, but there is genuinely no way to truly be ready for the real challenges, and it WILL get the better of you at times.
We judge parents on their worst days and ignore them on their best.
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u/starcrossed92 6h ago
Also , just because you’re tired or burnt out doesn’t mean you regret it . The early years are HARD . Toddlerhood is hard . I was a preschool teacher for 10 years and knew how toddlers were but still didn’t understand how hard it is to be a parent 24/7 . I have days where I’m exhausted and burnt out and have even cried , but I don’t regret it . It’s hard in the beginning, but that doesn’t mean everyone regrets it . Life doesn’t have to be a breeze and scrolling all day shopping
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u/HibiscusOnBlueWater 6h ago
There’s a lot you can understand from listening and watching other people but until you’re in it you have no idea the depths to which it affects your life. And compound that with the fact that child rearing is VERY different from when a lot of parents were kids it’s not unreasonable people are surprised. Like my mother could just toss us outside as young as 3 and watch soaps, talk on the phone and have naps. You can’t do that with a kid under 10 anymore, you’re expected to watch them like jail wardens 24/7 AND provide stimulating, hands on, educational activity that isn’t a screen. That’s literally never been how parenting was done in the history of ever.
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u/UnfairUniversity813 2h ago
Yeah, my mom was (is) a worrier and still around the age of 7 or 8 I was going to a playground by myself that was like 5 blocks from my house to play with my friend that lived next to the playground and I just had to be back home by the time the streetlights turned on. Try to do that with a kid nowadays and you’d get child services called on you. It’s definitely much more intensive nowadays with higher expectations.
Also it’s definitely one of those things that you can have an idea of what it’s like but until you actually do it you really don’t know for sure. I was very involved with my nephews when they were little and still felt wildly unprepared for the reality of having my own kid lol. I love him and don’t regret him at all but the learning curve is steep, especially when they hit those crazy toddler years.
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u/Economy_Aardvark_354 2h ago
Your point about parenting even being considered almost like a “job” and all these expectations imo is probably a big factor in why people these days feel reluctant to have kids. Parents are expected to shell out everything, even if it’s for some marginal benefit for their kids
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u/wrldwdeu4ria 5h ago
There are entirely too many adults that become parents without even extensively babysitting. And they're the ones who refer to it as an ongoing slog, hard, etc. If I were going to commit 18+ years to something I'd go out of my way to understand exactly what it entails. But you can't make others do this and the bar to entry to parenthood is very low.
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u/HibiscusOnBlueWater 5h ago
Babysitting isn’t the same as full time parenting. I was a step mom for 11 years before I had my daughter. We had 50/50 custody. It’s not the same as having a kid I’m 100% responsible for 24/7 right out of my very own body.
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u/DNxHD36 6h ago
For real. This take isn't hot so much as out of touch. Like someone formed their entire idea of parenthood from r/childfree.
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u/KitchenAd9088 7h ago
People think of fleeting moments like buying diapers or bottles and it hardly crosses their minds that they will also be responsible for managing situations like bullying and mental illness.
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u/Ok-Cup-5372 7h ago edited 7h ago
Even things like your newborn who won't stop crying because they're overtired even though they've been fed, changed, swaddled, burped, and cuddled. People don't think of those moments
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u/Glum-Sock503 7h ago
Hopefully they’ve not been dead or you’re doing it wrong
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u/Ok-Cup-5372 7h ago
Haha yikes crazy spelling mistake, thanks for pointing that out I'll fix it😅
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u/republicanssuck123 4h ago
There is a reason unintelligent life breeds the most in the animal world
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u/Either-Floor-3827 6h ago
I think people have a hard time really appreciating the 24/7 constantness of it until they experience it. There are plenty of parents talking about how hard different things are, but it’s all the different things at once, over and over 100s of times that wears you down.
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u/wrldwdeu4ria 5h ago
Even doing it for a few 12 hours stretches, with different ages of children would be very revealing for prospective parents. I realize it isn't the same but it is much better than thinking they want kids because they saw adorable and well-behaved child actors in a movie or tv show. Or they think of the kodak moments only.
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u/dumbassoftheyear96 7h ago
Some people want a baby but forget that babies grow up past the baby and toddler stage and they'll have to raise a human being. A lot of people also couch quarterback parenting. They see others and think, my kid won't ever do that, I'll never do that with my kids. And then they get into hard situations with their kids and they realize how much harder parenting is than it looks from the sidelines.
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u/wrldwdeu4ria 5h ago
Some people want a baby like they want a puppy. You'll rarely hear them state that they want to caretake a child until it becomes an adult.
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u/Wonderful_Mango_5395 1h ago
I'll admit that was sort of me, on both counts.
Not that I didn't know the babies would grow into teens and adults; but I way overestimated how much we could control the sort of older kid/teen/adult they would grow into.
I naively assumed only bad parenting produced teens who made bad choices or struggled with mental health or other issues. I thought that if I did the right things when they were little - breastfed, made organic baby food, read books and took them to lovely farm preschools, that would be plenty to guarantee they would grow into perfectly behaved, motivated, well rounded teens who studied and did sports and had friends etc etc.
Ha ha ha. I could not have predicted having kids with neurodivergency, genius level IQ yet some severe social deficits, anxiety, adhd, and plenty of other issues that keep me awake worrying at night. I look back at the days where it seemed so easy to figure out, I would research for hours on baby feeding, sleeping etc and thought I had it all figured out. No one prepared me for this reality, and both myself and my husband do often find ourselves somewhat emotionally detached because it's just so draining to be butting heads with these stubborn ass teen and tweens day in and day out, who don't seem to understand that we're just fucking worried about them. It's a lot.
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u/NightmareEyes707 2h ago
There’d be a lot less shitty parents in the world if people stopped to actually consider whether or not parenthood is actually something that would be good for them. And then instead of taking accountability for having kids they didn’t actually want they end up resenting the kids.
I’m glad I realized early in life that parenthood was never something I’d want. People consider having kids to be the ‘normal’ thing to do but I have no idea how wrecking your life by having a kid you’re not prepared for or even wanting could be considered normal.
Obviously plenty of people do enjoy parenthood. Good for them. This clearly doesn’t apply to them. But there are also a ton of regretful parents and parents who can’t stand parenthood. People need to put more thought in before going into autopilot and having kids like it’s just something to cross off a checklist.
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u/Impossible-Lime826 7h ago
I had a friend get pregnant straight out of highschool basically for the aesthetic. Growing up she always dreamed of being a teen mom. I dont feel like going into a lot of detail but the way she is raising her kid is unique in all the wrong ways. She cried to me so often in our early 20s that she wished she could be free to do anything she wanted like i was. I was like… yeah, well… ya cant 😬
I get so angry when people adopt animals just to give them away or ignore them all day. I got a puppy at 17 and cried like every day because it was HARD being responsible for another life, I couldnt get more than a couple hours of sleep, I had to constantly keep her from killing herself. I was doing full time online school so I could be with her all the time. She is 9 now and I am still so absolutely obsessed with her. She is my baby girl forever and ever. I cant imagine regretting an animal or a child, especially when the choice was yours to begin with. Dumb. Dumb and selfish.
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u/Zibbi-Akbar 7h ago edited 7h ago
Pretty much everyone (anecdotally) that has kids but never spent time around them before hand ends up regretting it. Literally only had them because it was the social expectation in our upbringings that it would bring us fulfilment and joy.
Its also super cool the boomer/gen x grandparents that refuse to do the childcare their parents did for them with us. Thanks for pullin up the support ladder mom and dad. Will remember this when you need care in old age.
Having kids is a mistake if you arent wealthy enough to buy the support you need. Dream of suicide on a daily basis and cannot hold down a career because of the revolving door of daycare sick days.
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u/wrldwdeu4ria 5h ago
Agree completely with this. Spent lots of time around kids and babysitting them well before I became an adult. Knew then I didn't want kids. I was in the minority though and knew so many now parents who hardly ever babysat.
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u/Ready_Scientist1692 2h ago
I started babysitting when I was 12 (common in the U.S. Midwest 20 years ago) and it also turned me off to having a child of my own. I like kids and get on with them pretty well, I just saw how little of a life of their own outside work all the moms I worked for had. Many people I know are very shocked how hard parenting is, but they had never done more than hold their cousin’s baby at a party.
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u/EcstaticPlankton8621 6h ago
Not exactly a hot take but it does need to be said more.
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u/No-Singer8709 2h ago
I thought about all of it.
what if I die during birth. that if I bleed heavily and tear.
what if the kid is born sick or malformed what if I fall into depression. what if the kid gets bullied relentlessly like me. what if I'm to dump to help with homework what if I lose control when I'm overwhelmed by screaming and crying.
I can't even handle myself. I couldn't handle a child
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u/bagmami 2h ago
As a mom, I totally agree. People's choice to be child free should be protected at all costs and it starts with making sure that they know what they're choosing.
Even people who get expensive fertility treatments may end up realize in the end that it's not for them. I'm not even talking about people who become parents because that's what you do. No, you can do plenty of things with your life. Leave parenting to those who really wanted to be parents through thick and thin and maybe that way there would be more resources for the parents and children especially in the early years of kids' lives.
It's true that every parent needs a break, acknowledging that is also what makes a good parent. Most of us do it to recharge so we can go in and do it all over again at the same standards.
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u/iceunelle 1h ago
I agree, but having kids is so pervasive and pushed on people (especially girls), from the time they're kids that many people don't even realize that not having children is an option. Also, I think that while you hear how hard parenting is, it's hard to fully conceptualize it until you're living the sleepless nights and tantrums day in and day out.
I had a moment in college where it suddenly occurred to me that I didn't really like kids, and that I didn't have to have them if I didn't want to. It had never really been presented as a choice to me before. The adults in my life growing up didn't tell me to my face, "You MUST have kids", but the "life script" was always described as: grow up, go to college, get married, have kids. It didn't even occur to me until I was an adult that I didn't have to follow that script if I didn't want to.
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u/Just-Potential-4017 7h ago
Parents should be forced to save for their child’s eduction. I had nothing. Parents had enough but were negligent. I am emotionally empty from her neglect and humiliation
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u/Glum-Sock503 7h ago
To be honest I think I’d love a kid but just like not a baby. It’s the being a baby part that puts me off entirely. So, no kids for me.
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u/jurassic_snark_ 6h ago
I thought I would love the baby phase the most, because I always loved babies. Turns out it wasn’t that great. Super cute but not much else. Luckily it was a very short blip in the timeline and having a 2 year old is just the absolute best. Surprised myself there!
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u/IKnowAllSeven 5h ago
I found babyhood tough but every thing else pretty great and easy. Interestingly, I was all prepared for the teenage years to be horrible and they were/ are the best so far.
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u/HibiscusOnBlueWater 6h ago
The baby phase is SO fast. People make it sound like an eternity but things really stabilize between month 4-6 and it’s a lot easier. It’s the parents who decide to have 3 kids back to back who are really in the torture zone. 3 years of sleepless nights, postpartum and probably 5-6 years straight of diapers.
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u/Creepy_Anteater_7181 7h ago
That's why you should never have children unless you're sure about it, most of these idiots pop out babies without a care in the world not realizing they're a human being who will endure trauma from the neglect or abuse they subject the child too. The vast majority treat the existence of the child like an after thought and just want a fun toy to play around with not realizing the stress that accompanies raising a child.
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u/FoxyRin420 6h ago
I think people need to experience taking care of kids for more then a fun trip, or a few hours if they want children. It's a huge commitment.
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u/wrldwdeu4ria 5h ago
100% this. Amazed that an adult would want to take this kind of plunge without a shred of experience. Their experience should be substantial.
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u/yourbeloathed 7h ago
this is a huge part of why ive never wanted children, among other reasons. the chance of regretting it is just not worth the risk for me