r/atheism • u/Mm2k Freethinker • Feb 19 '20

Satire /r/all Church annoyed after '$20 donation' turned out to be lecture on Evolution. [Satire]

https://www.religimarole.com/post/church-annoyed-after-20-donation-turned-out-to-be-lecture-on-evolution
20.8k Upvotes

90% Upvoted

656 comments sorted by

3.3k

u/FlyingSquid Feb 19 '20

For those who don't know what this is making fun of, it's this sort of thing that pieces of shit Christians leave waiters instead of a tip, hidden so they think it's a real bill. Except unlike this post, that's real.

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u/wolfnibblets Feb 19 '20

Got a couple of those when I was a waiter. Part of the reason I quit, since often those were the unnecessarily picky tables.

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u/[deleted] Feb 19 '20

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u/EricRenshaw Feb 19 '20

The difference is that god didn’t do jack for them while their server has. It’s awful.

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u/Strauss_Thall Feb 19 '20

It’s like thanking God for a surgery well done, meanwhile someone went to medical school to get no recognition.

Seth Andrews’ speech about that is so true.

245

u/In_Hail Feb 19 '20

A family friend of mine dove into a shallow pool and is now quadriplegic. Everytime he moves a body part or has any progress his mom posts it on Facebook as a "praise god moment".

Ummmm no you fool. God wanted your son dead. The neighbor who rushed over and gave him CPR saved his fucking life and the doctors and scientists who have fought everyday to circumvent nature have also saved his life. He has a chance to walk again because of science and doctors. Not because of god who broke his neck in the pool.

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u/runnyc10 Feb 19 '20

Yeah. My husband and I are going through IVF and we keep hearing about prayers for us and “thank god” anytime we make it past a hurdle. I just know when we are finally successful it will be “praise god” for our “miracle” baby. But actually it seems like god is the one who doesn’t want us to have a baby but science is (hopefully) making it happen.

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u/xubax Atheist Feb 19 '20

I hope for the best for you.

If they were truly religious, they should despise you for going against God's will.

But seriously, good luck. My sister had to get fertility treatments and my sister in law did IVF twice.

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u/runnyc10 Feb 19 '20

Thank you. We are currently waiting on test results on our one embryo and I’m trying to feel hopeful!

I did kind of hint at “couldn’t restricting reproductive freedom eventually become banning IVF because it’s against god’s will?” But apparently god has given us the gift of the IVF option...

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u/Fgame Other Feb 19 '20

God also gave us the gift of safe abortions then too

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u/theroguex Feb 19 '20 edited Feb 20 '20

You notice their hypocrisy with IVF? They destroy *so many** embryos but that's ok why?

(Edited for clarity)

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u/xubax Atheist Feb 20 '20

I'm assuming you mean their hypocrisy. I'm sure they're just as ignorant about IVF as they are about 80%of their bible.

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u/clontarf84 Feb 19 '20

That sort of thing happened to me when I was trying to get pregnant and then when I did I had people say “thank God for your miracle” so I would say “actually I spent a lot of money to get pregnant with the help of doctors and science so thank science for my tiny human.”

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u/[deleted] Feb 20 '20

I hope everything works out for you guys, and (as a scientist that R&Ds them) I hope you guys vaccinate. If you’re genuinely worried about them because you don’t have anyone to explain them, feel free to message me and I’ll explain away. Please don’t turn to mom groups

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u/RealJraydel1 Feb 19 '20

God is our enemy. He wants everyone who doesnt believe in him in just the right way to burn forever. He has destroyed the world before as punishment, and has sent many millions to die just because. The worst part is that he isnt real, and humans are the ones doing that.

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u/hicsuntdracones- Feb 19 '20

"Hey God, it's me again...

I lived bitch."

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u/createthiscom Feb 19 '20

Nah. God just wanted to pit him and all of his ancestors against everyone else in an attempt to breed the perfect humans. None of those dead people matter. He's just after the end result.

In computer science, we refer to this as a genetic algorithm and we currently use it to train robots in virtual environments so that they perform adequately in the real world: https://youtu.be/x4O8pojMF0w

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u/Hamburger-Queefs Feb 19 '20

Religion certainly has people thinking with some really broken logic.

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u/SynisterJeff Feb 19 '20

Things like this always remind me of "The Invention of Lying", where in Ricky Gervias is explaining the concept of "The man in the sky", and that everything that happens is because of him. One man states, "So the man in the sky saved me when my boat sank?" Ricky responds, "Yes! That's right!" The man then replies with "Wait, did he sink my boat?" Ricky - "Well, yeah.."

Most people that thank god for saving someone forget that god would also be the reason they almost died in the first place, and now have to live their life with disabilities because of him.

It'd be like a surgeon pushing someone in front of a car, and then performing life saving surgery on them, and expecting a life worth of thanks afterwards for saving their life. When in reality the doctor would be thrown in jail and forced to pay for damages.

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u/signops Feb 19 '20

When I was in school, there was a fuel crisis and the principal asked for help. I raised my hand as my dad was in the oil industry and as expected we got the fuel for the buses and went on our field trip. At the end of the trip, he got us all together and thanked Jesus for providing help in time. Not a single word about my contribution.

Had it with that institution.

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u/TedVivienMosby Feb 20 '20

See, it’s one thing to praise god for a miraculous recovery because to them it does seem like spiritual intervention. But fucking hell, when someone has literally given you something directly out of their pocket, that’s another thing entirely.

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u/OutspokenFear Satanist Feb 19 '20

I fucking hate that.

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u/PustulusMaximus Feb 19 '20

What's wrong with that speech?

​

/s in case it wasn't obvious.

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u/DisForDairy Feb 19 '20

At least that's better than not getting medical help and just praying the illness away.

"Please God, help me heal my sickness!"

God creates a bunch of super smart people who invent medicine

"God will heal my wounds, this science stuff is anti-God!"

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u/Blue_Moon_Lake Feb 19 '20

That's the other way around. God did nothing, smart people invented a more reliable thing than prayer, but brainwashed believers don't want it.

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u/deadsoulinside Anti-Theist Feb 19 '20

At least that's better than not getting medical help and just praying the illness away.

"Please God, help me heal my sickness!"

Normally those people have no problem with going to seek medical help. It's when it's not happening to them is when they think prayer works like the countless miserable fucks who let their kids die because they were counting on god to save their child.

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u/StalinPlusLove Feb 19 '20

"Jesus is my Doctor"

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u/[deleted] Feb 19 '20

Then why TF you at a hospital?

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u/StalinPlusLove Feb 19 '20

Shouldn't you just pray the illness away

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u/[deleted] Feb 19 '20

And god can't spit in your food

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u/Raezzordaze Pastafarian Feb 19 '20

Not a waiter but someone who eats out regularly and has spent plenty of time around Christians. I swear to Christ (lol) if I hear "I give God 10%, why should I give you 15?" one more time I am gonna flip my shit.

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u/[deleted] Feb 19 '20

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/CuddlePirate420 Feb 19 '20

xian: Excuse me, miss. We ordered an hour ago and our food hasn't arrived.

Waitress: I guess you're just not praying hard enough.

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u/02K30C1 Feb 19 '20

I’m so using this. Thanks.

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u/TransmogriFi Feb 19 '20

God's not trying to survive on $2.49 an hour.

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u/Thausgt01 Jedi Feb 19 '20

Yanno, there's a seed for a lot of hilariously detailed analyses of the economics involved, there...

"Well, sir or ma'am, your 'God' not only draws on the resources of rather a lot of the human population on the planet, but the organizations operating in the name of said deity also draw upon a rather extensive array of long-term investments. Not all of them operate in concert with each other, of course. But the basic fact of the matter is that your deity could command material wealth in excess of the GDP of all but the largest countries on the planet.

"I, on the other hand, still need.to struggle to pay my rent... To my parents, thank you for asking, as this job does not pay enough to cover the rent rate for any living arrangement other than a cardboard box under a bridge. That is, if I still want to eat anything other than what I can forage from the vicinity, and that's assuming that I never get sick or injured...

"Hey, where are you going? You still owe me a lecture fee for my talk about the state of the local economy, and about civic responsibility to the less fortunate...!"

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u/TacTurtle Feb 19 '20

“Because God’s house is paid for”

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u/loverlyone Feb 19 '20

A Christian minister regularly treats people to massages in our spa. They never tip. Never. It makes for a slightly aggressive massage...

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u/Dudegamer010901 Feb 19 '20 edited Mar 15 '26

This post was wiped using Redact. The author may have deleted it to protect personal privacy, prevent data harvesting, or for security reasons.

plants gold apparatus imminent light instinctive degree history joke flowery

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u/the_wandering_nerd Other Feb 19 '20

A minister who wants his top donors to keep tithing?

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u/shaxxmedaddy Feb 19 '20

Well, it’s actually pretty common it’s just usually them personally giving the massage to a young boy’s genitals

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u/unbitious Feb 19 '20

I prefer an aggressive massage, so you might be doing them a favor! You'd get a 30% tip from me!

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u/extralyfe Feb 19 '20

not only are they the worst tipping, these fuckers from the same church will work together to cause problems and demand their food be comped.

like, lady at table 1 gets their food first, and immediately sends back her perfectly cooked breakfast steak to get another one made, meaning her sides and shit need to get remade on the fly while the kitchen is working on the next tables. lady at table 2 takes this opportunity to complain about the speed of service and demand an appetizer for the trouble, which sticks another on the fly item in front of everything else. lady at table 3 starts getting her order and gives the waitress shit for bringing her what she ordered because she apparently changed her mind in the meantime, so, that gets sent back.

cue that daisy chain of fuckery flowing through the entire church section, and you'll have cranky bitches in their Sunday best demanding a manager within 30 minutes of being seated.

shit gets comped, people get stiffed on tips, and the same fucking people show up to do the same fucking shit every week.

that's some real Christian behavior, there.

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u/BCat70 Feb 19 '20

Can confirm, from my ancient restaurant day. Sunday Noon crowd were the worst there was, every. Single. Time.

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u/[deleted] Feb 19 '20

I would absolutely want one of these 20s with the Evolution talk on it and go around to churches giving it to them.

Fuck the church, these stuck up pieces of pedo protecting shits.

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u/mynameisasuffix Feb 19 '20

You can download it from the link, scroll to the bottom.

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u/[deleted] Feb 19 '20

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u/gorgon_ramsay Anti-Theist Feb 19 '20

Worst you'll find anywhere. I work at a dept. store, and it's 2 hours of pure misery when church lets out on Sunday.

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u/C137MrPoopyButthole Feb 19 '20

They wiped their slate clean with their 5$ donation so they have to sin it up so they can get their full 5$ worth next week...

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u/[deleted] Feb 19 '20

Old people day is worse. Around me after church is usually filled with huge mexican families, and the parents are usually easy to deal with.

First Wednesday of every month, senior citizen discount day, is pure hell.

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u/digg_survivor Feb 19 '20

I'm a barista. Those people are scum.

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u/notathrowaway69x420 Feb 19 '20

Ever get the little comic books too? I remember one where the guy missed a championship soccer goal cause he didn't pray or something

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u/VegaDenebAndAltair Feb 19 '20

Ugh.... Because the "god" who didn't stop the Holocaust gives a shit about your soccer goal.

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u/notathrowaway69x420 Feb 19 '20

shoulda prayed harder if you didnt wanna get holocausted

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u/pcliv Feb 19 '20

When I was a kid, my church would take us out for a game of bowling or mini-golf, then, as a "reward", we got to go "spreadin' the word" by putting those stupid Chick Tracts under people's windshield wipers.

Most of the ones we passed out were basically in the tone of: "if you don't fall in line and pretend to believe the unbelievable (like everyone else), then just imagine how lonely you'll be, burning . . . IN HELL . . . FOR ALL ETERNITY!!!"

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u/notathrowaway69x420 Feb 19 '20

Do what i say or burn is a good message though

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u/ArgonGryphon Satanist Feb 19 '20

Let me save you from what I’ll do to you if you don’t let me save you.

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u/notathrowaway69x420 Feb 19 '20

My real problem with Bible, besides all the typical nonsense, is why Jesus's life was worth so much. He died to save the entirety of humanity. Ok? But there's tons and tons of cases of human people doing a 1/1 trade. Someone jumps in front of a bullet or whatever. Jesus did a 1/Infinite and he KNEW there was a heaven and he'd be back in three days. It just always seemed cheap to me

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u/Spiritsoar Pantheist Feb 19 '20

Chick Tracts

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u/notathrowaway69x420 Feb 19 '20

Omg! its like the internet is trying to tip me all over again!

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u/[deleted] Feb 19 '20

Yes the comic books, there's a guy here in the French quarter that walks the streets putting them on driver side doors he's about 90. Kill or convert till the end.

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u/notathrowaway69x420 Feb 19 '20

he should leave the fake dollars too, give em the old double whammy for Jesus

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u/bklynbeerz Feb 19 '20

What happens if both teams pray?

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u/notathrowaway69x420 Feb 19 '20

Well obviously one team will pray objectively harder and therefore curry more favor with an apparently fickle and insecure God

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u/-regaskogena Feb 19 '20

Working at coffee shops in my small hometown the worst groups were the religious ones. Come in with 25 ppl at a time, which is fine I can handle it, work my ass off to get them drinks quickly, leave collective tips of $0.25.

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u/[deleted] Feb 19 '20

I worked in an adult novelty shop for shits and giggles once ( it really was an interesting place). My shifts were always weekends and Sunday was always my best day. Church let out and I would get flooded. Never was too judgmental about it but always thought it was funny and hypocritical.

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u/whatproblems Feb 19 '20

Well if you know you’re going to get .25 might as well give them .25 level of service?

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u/jordanmindyou Feb 19 '20 edited Feb 19 '20

Just went last night to a movie theater that serves food to your seats... after the movie was over, the waiter for my row picked up the bill next to mine and say “goddamnit... exact change”. I ask what’s up and he tells me how he has to pay 3% out of pocket because the person didn’t leave a tip. Also, a customer in the row behind me stiffed him on an $80 bill. I cannot understand why people are so rude to wait staff.

Also, the “exact change” guy next to me was rude while interacting with the waiter. He would call him over and say “more water” and “take this away”. No please, no thank you, just treating the staff like they should be licking his shoes for the privilege of tasting his boot grime. He also ate very loudly, smacking his lips and slurping his drink as if nobody was around. He must have gotten to the theater before me, because his jacket was mostly in my seat when I got there (assigned seating which is chosen at time of ticket purchase) but he made no attempt to move it as I arrived with my gf and we stood in front of the only 2 seats that were still vacant in that row (which were obviously our assigned seats). I just sat down on it and he had to pull it from under me halfway through the movie to get to the Twizzlers he brought with him. I hate the smell of twizzlers and other fruity candy (I know that’s a personal problem, but just on top of everything else). He also felt the need to comment on what was happening, like proclaiming “explosive fatality!” When a character died from an explosion, and other equally unnecessary comments. As soon as the movie was over (at least he waited until the end?), he was talking on his phone before the credits even rolled.

How can some people be such dirtbags?

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u/pixelnum Feb 19 '20

My Step brother got a hundred dollar one of those for his birthday from a grandparent and the disappointment could be felt across the room

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u/myothercarisapickle Feb 19 '20

What a dick move

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u/[deleted] Feb 19 '20

And that's how grandpa got a broken hip...

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u/Neil_Fallons_Ghost Feb 19 '20

Timmy, grandpa is in hospice, there’s not much time.

Timmy: tell grandpa I’ll see his ass in hell.

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u/VaJayJayOkocha Feb 19 '20

Did that grandparent say "Kimmel made me do it?"

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u/[deleted] Feb 19 '20

From my experience they run the living shit out of you l, tip 10%, then leave one of those fucked up you’re gonna go to Hell for living in sin comic books or some other Jesus paraphernalia.

Got probably the best pen I’ve ever used as part of my tip one time with the church’s logo stamped on it.

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u/Will_Yeeton Feb 19 '20

Do you perhaps mean Chick Tracts? That's one type of those little comic books. They're worth the research if you want to feel disgusted in humanity.

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u/[deleted] Feb 19 '20

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u/[deleted] Feb 19 '20

Yeah those, they leave them at tables, in the bathrooms, I’ve seen them handed out to the high school age hostesses. It’s fucked.

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u/StalinPlusLove Feb 19 '20

I love reading those, its a shame because the artwork isnt that bad. Seems such a waste that talented comic book artists are wasting great talent on this garbage.

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u/Eowyn_Doyle Feb 19 '20

I was given these my 4th grade Sunday school class as part of the weekly lesson and told to leave them in grocery stores, etc. to "share the good news".

I remember my parents being concerned when I showed them.

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u/lordorwell7 Strong Atheist Feb 19 '20

That's incredible.

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u/DrPikachu-PhD Feb 19 '20

What a piece of shit thing to do. Especially since in a country like America there’s at least a 60% chance that waiter already is a Christian.

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u/[deleted] Feb 19 '20

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u/FlyingSquid Feb 19 '20

But there's a 100% chance the waiter is not being paid enough to deal with the sort of asshole who would leave that instead of a tip.

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u/[deleted] Feb 19 '20

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u/groovy_giraffe Feb 19 '20 edited Feb 20 '20

This is why we cook

Edit: I am no longer part of a cook line, I’m now a teacher, but I do remember the struggle, check out r/kitchenconfidential to relive the nightmares tho

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u/newzingo Atheist Feb 19 '20

Had a friend get tipped like 75¢ by a table of four, all in nickels and dimes. Waiter grabbed the change and threw it at their vehicle as they drove off. Very satisfying to watch

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u/andropogon09 Rationalist Feb 19 '20

"Make America the 1950s again."

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u/ComputerSavvy Feb 19 '20

I think that if these MAGA hat wearing <insert derogatory insult here> want to go back to the '50's, well then we should bring back the 1950's 91% tax bracket for the top earners too.

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u/Vinterslag Feb 19 '20

I wonder why the economy was so good then. I guess it just can't be known

Shrugs

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u/lirannl Agnostic Atheist Feb 19 '20

That's why I'm so glad tips are not necessary here in Australia because EVERYONE gets paid fairly. Except for minors. Fortunately I'm over 18, but I know someone who isn't and it doesn't seem easy. They get paid as much as I did in Israel. I lived with my parents back then.

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u/valdamjong Feb 19 '20

I hate that. Sure, minors probably aren't subsisting off their wage, but why the fuck do they deserve less money for the same job depending on their age?

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u/Endarkend Feb 19 '20 edited Feb 19 '20

I had a new guy join my opsdev team.

Medium functioning autistic, 18 years old (I'm high functioning and was hired without the company knowing anything about my autism).

Turns out kid is a fucking programming wizard. I'm good and fast, he's better and faster.

He gets paid minimum wage and the company gets massive subsidies for hiring him.

Kid makes so little he can't live alone and it's become clear to me his parents are extremely overbearing. He's not allowed to use a computer at home for instance. Just as I, getting to live on his own would let him blossom both in function level and developer skills.

I've been pushing for him to get pay relevant for his job title and age for near a year now and you can't imagine the pushback I've gotten.

So much, cloaked threats about my job are not out of the ordinary anymore.

And we're talking about 250-300€ a month here in extra cost, my boss got 10x that as a raise last quarter.

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u/StalinPlusLove Feb 19 '20

This is why people like me tip a bit more to make up for the Christian value folks.

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u/Endarkend Feb 19 '20

Service jobs are a quick way to lose all faith in deities and humanity.

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u/DrPikachu-PhD Feb 19 '20

I mean I was just going off the percentage of the American population that’s Christian :D 🤷🏻‍♂️

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u/Dudeist-Priest Secular Humanist Feb 19 '20

It is a shitty thing to do, but a lot of Evangelicals think most people are the wrong type of Christian and that doesn't count in their eyes. You've got to be one of the "born again" types.

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u/Deastrumquodvicis Deconvert Feb 19 '20

“Listen, bud, I’m not about to crawl back up my mom’s vagina to get born again.”

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u/atetuna Feb 19 '20

Been around mormons much? Mormons have no problem adamentally saying that people of other mormon sects aren't mormon even though they both believe in the book of mormon and that Joseph Smith was a real prophet, which getting mad when people of other christian faiths say they're not christian even though they both believe in the bible and in Jesus Christ.

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u/Dudeist-Priest Secular Humanist Feb 19 '20

Been around mormons much?

A few, but I think they were the blander variety. I have a whole side of my family that are Pentecostals, which is a special kind of crazy. They pretty much think everyone is going to hell.

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u/Silentarian Feb 19 '20

Nah, see the waiter is working on a Sunday instead of going to church, therefore they must be a sinning heathen. There can be no other explanation.

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u/[deleted] Feb 19 '20

They are working on Sunday for the same reason they work on Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve.

These materialistic Christian fucks keep coming in on these days and the boss worships money.

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u/TheRainbowWillow Atheist Feb 19 '20

Lmao someone tipped my dad $1,000,000,000 with a JESUS CHIRST IS OUR SAVIOR HE DIED FOR YOU, SINNER!!1! on the back. We have it hanging up to make fun of it.

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u/Mm2k Freethinker Feb 19 '20

I think that's a little different, no one could really believe that someone would tip a Billion dollars.

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u/[deleted] Feb 19 '20

Maybe he was serving a table with Bill Gates, Jeff Bezos and Waren Buffet

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u/[deleted] Feb 19 '20

From the Bible Belt— if you’re a lowlife enough to work on Sunday then they assume it’s because you need Jesus and it’s better than any monetary tip they can give you. They are always the most picky demanding tables.....especially the Pentecostals. (Coming from a former Pentecostal)

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u/laptopaccount Feb 19 '20

I find it funny that Christians who are against people working on Sunday will go out and dine/shop on Sunday. It's like they don't realize that they're the reason people are working on Sunday.

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u/TummyDummy Feb 19 '20

What sales pitch that is. “Sorry I was just a total dick to you, but if you join us you can be a total dick too”

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u/crappy_ninja Feb 19 '20

Except unlike this post, that's real.

I predict, in less than a month, someone will actually do this and post it on Reddit.

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u/Girafferra Feb 19 '20

They leave them in other places too. I was doing a community event one time where we had this huge tent where we were displaying items. Some weird family came through and dropped like five of these false 20s. I was so irritated-went through everything really carefully to remove them.

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u/teeleer Feb 19 '20

What if you leave a fake tip like those Christian things but then leave an even bigger tip under the money tray? Like leaving a fake $5 but under the money tray is a real $10 bill

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u/FlyingSquid Feb 19 '20

I've never personally waited tables, I only know about those from friends who have, but considering their gripe was about getting those in lieu of a tip, I would guess that they would be fine with getting the money and would just throw the fake bill away.

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u/LokiGodComplex Feb 19 '20

I once found one on the street and was super sad instantly threw it down once i saw what it was >:(

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u/[deleted] Feb 19 '20

Now go to a Jehovah's whiteness convention and knock on their doors at an inconvenient time and ask them if they know of Charles Darwin and what he did for mankind.

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u/FlyingSquid Feb 19 '20

I think you will appreciate this if you've never seen it.

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u/[deleted] Feb 19 '20

bro literally after watching that i got JW at my door and its never happened to me before so i opened it and she started bitching a boit how theres turmoil because mo religion blah blah and i was like oh thats funny i think the issue is religion and slammed the door it felt great

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u/WhyHulud Satanist Feb 19 '20

I keep a calculus textbook at the door for their visits. I offer to listen if I can share my knowledge with them.

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u/Edspecial137 Feb 19 '20

Shame it’s not an equivalent trade

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u/MrCamie Anti-Theist Feb 20 '20

Now the JW is gonna lose an arm in exchange

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u/caboosetp Feb 19 '20

Many JW will say yes to that. They'll also generally help you with basic chores as long as you listen.

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u/macromaniacal Feb 19 '20

I must know more

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u/caboosetp Feb 19 '20

I mean, it's pretty straightforward. If they show up at your door and you're in the middle of chores, invite them to help and they'll probably say yes as long as you listen.

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u/[deleted] Feb 19 '20

Ha, I know an old dude who lives pretty isolated and has a wood stove. Every time the mormons come to visit he puts them to work chopping wood. He's been doing it for years and never converted, but you never know, maybe someday!

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u/ccvgreg Feb 19 '20

The real life pro tips are always in the comments.

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u/xRyozuo Feb 19 '20

Wait now you’re making me jealous

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u/dogenado Feb 19 '20

Most of the JW in my area are Hispanic. When I answer I usually get an apology and told they are looking for Hispanic families haha

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u/TheCluelessDeveloper Feb 19 '20

They send teenagers in my area. Kinda felt bad for them, but at the same time... Not really.

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u/Sordahon Anti-Theist Feb 19 '20 edited Oct 12 '23

Dao of History Erasure, All before Heaven is Beneath Me, All Above Heaven is Equal to Me

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u/thebluespirit_ Feb 19 '20

Good old peaceful Christians...

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u/Darth_Boot Feb 19 '20

That’s an oxymoron if there ever was one

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u/[deleted] Feb 19 '20

I have not! Thank you

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u/engineeryourmom Feb 19 '20

That was entertaining and cathartic. Thanks for sharing!

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u/Mm2k Freethinker Feb 19 '20

This is a fun one. Jehovah Witnesses complain about intrusive Amber alerts on phones.

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u/depressedbreakfast Feb 19 '20

They don’t believe in “worldly” politics either. My in-laws are J dubs, they’re not selfish people but their money is their money. Their own son (my wife’s ex) passed away cuz they wouldn’t help with medical costs. I guess they need every dollar to make heaven? Idk

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u/Bulbasaur_King Feb 19 '20

I'm confused that your in laws son is your wife's ex, you in Alabama or what?

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u/depressedbreakfast Feb 19 '20

He ded, she married me after. His parents are still alive

Oh wait I get it now. They’re not her parents I messed that up

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u/progdrummer Feb 19 '20

His parents are not your in-laws.

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u/depressedbreakfast Feb 19 '20

Yup yup saw my mistake We have no contact with my or her actual parents so they seem like in-laws 🤷‍♂️

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u/grizhe1 Feb 19 '20

Jehovah’s Witnesses’ convention*

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u/SuperDuperAIDS Feb 19 '20

Behold Jehovah's whiteness!! The most whitest of whites!

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u/ambarar Feb 19 '20

Though a satire, I have to say that this would make me overjoyed if real. I spent too many Sunday shifts when I was a broke waiter in college trying to scrape money for books together only to get religious pamphlets that looked like tip money when folded.

Nothing more demoralizing than making almost $0 in a double shift and having a stack of those things to dispose of.

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u/FlyingSquid Feb 19 '20

It doesn't help that it's often done with a huge church crowd that ends up being extra work for no tip.

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u/HighPriestofShiloh Feb 19 '20 edited Apr 24 '24

languid unique arrest lunchroom spotted far-flung pet teeny drab shrill

This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

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u/ILikeLenexa Feb 19 '20

simply impose a minimum gratuity on all checks

A weird way to say "make menu prices reflect the cost of business and just pay their servers the actual minimum wage".

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u/natek53 Anti-Theist Feb 19 '20

Probably because the restaurant makes the same amount of money on a meal regardless of how much people tip. That's literally what a tip means.

The restaurants don't suffer, just the waiters.

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u/mr_lab_rat Atheist Feb 19 '20

What I find funny is that the government that basically encourages businesses to pay low minimum wages and rely on tips to keep staff somewhat happy is the same right wing government the religious are voting for.

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u/MisterBlizno Feb 19 '20 edited Feb 20 '20

this would make me overjoyed if real

When I started reading I was flooded with joy. Then I saw that it was satire and the joy fled. Still, I had a moment of schadenfreude. It felt good.

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u/Slappy_Hamster Feb 19 '20

I had a friend who worked as a waitress and this would happen to her occasionally...always on a Sunday too. She would always put those into the offerings basket when she went to church for the Wednesday service. She felt like turnabout was fair play.

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u/Mm2k Freethinker Feb 19 '20

Good for her.

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u/Mm2k Freethinker Feb 19 '20

You can download a sample from here. religimarole.com/downloads

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u/Shillsforplants Feb 19 '20

I'm printing a fat stack to put in the collection plate this sunday.

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u/DrPikachu-PhD Feb 19 '20

Holy wow that’s shitty. I’ve never heard of this and I’m so sorry people have had to deal with these assholes

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u/SinisterDeath30 Feb 19 '20

We can make it real.

Muhahaha

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u/SgtDoughnut Atheist Feb 19 '20

This is also technically illegal...but the government thinks its harmless so they wont go after it.

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u/Mm2k Freethinker Feb 19 '20

So is Christians creating legislature.

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u/Orion_2kTC Feb 19 '20

I will print out hundreds of these and give them to every red kettle I can find this upcoming holiday season.

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u/Deastrumquodvicis Deconvert Feb 19 '20

Also transgender information. Fuck the Salvation Army.

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u/Phantom_19 Feb 19 '20 edited Feb 19 '20

IIRC, in recent years, the Salvation Army has attempted to do things to improve their image regarding Women and Transgender rights. For example, Chic-Fil-a (super religious and anti-lgbt) no longer donates to the Salvation Army because they no longer represent their values. I’ll agree that in the past, the Salvation Army has been pretty shitty, but I think it’s also safe to say they are getting with the times.

Directly from their website.

CNN doing a better job of explaining than I am.

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u/transrightsordie Feb 19 '20 edited Feb 19 '20

Why trust them at all? Skip them and just donate to your local shelters and food banks.

I generally don't have any trust for religious orgs of any kind.

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u/Phantom_19 Feb 19 '20 edited Feb 19 '20

Oh that’s more than fine, I’d prefer if everyone did that anyway. But no reason to make people out to be boogiemen if they really aren’t. And it’s fine not to trust them, but when the reason you’re giving people not to trust them isn’t exactly truthful or the case, it’s not really fair to the organization or the person who would like to donate to them.

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u/zhaoz Feb 19 '20

Man, when hate chicken starts distancing themselves from you, you know you fucked up somewhere...

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u/Later_J Feb 19 '20

I believe the implication is that they became too tolerant for the ‘hate chicken’ lol

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u/Phantom_19 Feb 19 '20

“Hate chicken” lmao, I like that one. Just wish their chicken didn’t taste good as hell.

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u/amtqne Feb 19 '20

Where can I get these.

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u/Mm2k Freethinker Feb 19 '20

You can download a sample from here. religimarole.com/downloads

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u/amtqne Feb 19 '20

Awesome. These are awesome.

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u/bttrflyr Feb 19 '20

Awwww, I was excited for a moment that this was a thing until I realized it's satire. Having said that, I have some paper and ink to buy for... reasons...

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u/DividedState Feb 19 '20

"We were trying to save people's souls, by not only fooling them into reading a message from us, but then hoping that they would take $20 that they didn't find but earned and give it to us instead. What is wrong with that?"

The gift of Jesus is worth more than $20. it's worth your life's soul, unless of course you are giving it to us, then it's important that it's real money."

That. is. actually. hilarious.

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u/[deleted] Feb 19 '20

Better yet, just give the fake church money back to them.

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u/[deleted] Feb 19 '20

People trying to push their beliefs on you is annoying. Religious or not. Try pushing things that actually benefit society, like medicine, science etc.

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u/Peloidra2 Feb 19 '20

I'd argue atheism would benefit society. Unless that was your point.

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u/Hypersapien Agnostic Atheist Feb 19 '20

Don't try to push atheism directly. Getting a stupid, immoral religious person to become an atheist only makes them a stupid, immoral atheist. Push critical thinking and empathy instead.

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u/[deleted] Feb 19 '20

Save time and effort and just push the stupid, immoral religious person towards an open mineshaft.

/s

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u/peacepipe0351 Feb 19 '20

No, no. He's got a point.

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u/krinosh Anti-Theist Feb 19 '20

Worth about as much as thoughts and prayers

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u/zogins Feb 19 '20

In the country where I live the Catholic Church distributed envelopes where we 'had to' make donations. The envelopes where we were asked to put our donations had our name on them. I spoke to the priest and quoted the Bible, Matthew 6:3, "But when you do a charitable deed, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing,"

The following year they persisted so I put in the envelope a leaflet from a liberal politician in favour of gay rights and abortion.

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u/stolid_agnostic Agnostic Atheist Feb 19 '20

I should totally order like 1,000 of these and hand them out during inappropriate moments.

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u/Mm2k Freethinker Feb 19 '20

You can download it from religimarole.com/downloads

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u/donaldslabia Feb 19 '20

Omg this is such a good idea. I wish I knew of a church who tipped with these types of fake dollars so I could return the favor. Got several fake religious tips when I was a server in college.

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u/Abracadaver2000 Feb 19 '20

"The gift of Jesus is worth more than $20. it's worth your life's soul, unless of course you are giving it to us, then it's important that it's real money."

Yes, I know it's meant to be satire, but that fake quote might as well be real.

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u/[deleted] Feb 19 '20

How's it feel, Church?

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u/deltadawn6 Agnostic Atheist Feb 19 '20

Oh my god this is the greatest!!! 😆😆😆😆 serves them right with all the phony tips!!!

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u/HattyMarv Feb 19 '20

I support this wholeheartedly

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u/[deleted] Feb 19 '20

Waited a table full of Christians once, I was getting ready to take their orders and someone mentioned that Jesus was always with him. I couldnt help myself and replied, "Oh, should we wait for him before taking orders?" I got one of those as a tip, but it was worth it to see the look on their faces.

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u/hartzenbonez Feb 19 '20

Hahah. Thats awesome

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u/charvked Feb 19 '20

Oh look how the turntables

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u/arrav21 Feb 19 '20 edited Feb 19 '20

Finally, a [ed: metaphorical] taste of their own medicine. When I was a server the Sunday after-church crowd was the absolute worst. Complaints, trying to get everything for free, and either not tipping or leaving a very low tip. And yes, plenty of the bills disguised as a $20 or $100 but open up to a lecture about how Jesus will provide. Great, when is he paying the rent?

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u/Strauss_Thall Feb 19 '20

When good things happen, god is apparent.

When bad things happen, god is mysterious.

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u/adlittle Feb 20 '20

Damn those religious pamphlets that look like money. Several years ago, I was the brokest I'd ever been, like zero money the last week of the month, one day I found one of these. Looked like a £20 note, I was so relieved, then nope. Now your time and disappointed. It certainly didn't win me over to religion.

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u/zogins Feb 19 '20

Where I live the Catholic Church used volunteers to post envelopes with our names on them, asking for donations. Once I gave them back the envelope but inside I put a leaflet I had just received from a politician who was in favour of more gay rights and abortion. I never got requests for donations again.

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u/Nuances_goddammit Feb 19 '20

I have a reason to visit church now, but first I have some Photoshop work to do.

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u/Chrisodle007 Feb 20 '20

Lil bit if their own medicine nice. Used to wait tables and get those fake church $20s all the time .

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u/[deleted] Feb 20 '20

Africa, Latin America, infact, most of the world is ANNOYED after the 'good news (Gospel)' the Christians promised turns out to be nothing more than anti-interlectualism, imperialism, anti-science, absurd superstition, backwardness, incitement to violence against others, misogyny and a plea for humanity to remain in the dark ages.......Church yet to respond to these allegations.....