As a married man, the amount of times her reasoning was that she 'felt gross' is somewhat concerning.
I can't know the entire situation, but I know women enough to know 'I feel gross' is almost always a genuine feeling and admission.
Maybe work on making her feel not gross and see if some action happens.
Many men would be super surprised how easily sex comes when you make a woman FEEL sexy. And that doesn't mean making gross comments.
It means saying, 'Wow, that looks great on you,' 'I know it's just pajamas, but I have to admit it still does it for me," 'Hey, I've got dinner and the kids, if you want to take your time in the bath. I really miss you in the bedroom, and know you want to feel clean.'
I mean...you couple that with actually making a woman finish and you'll never go without sex a day of your life. It's not rocket science.
And I will give the men out there a cheat code I like to use with my wife... ALWAYS make her achieve an orgasm or two BEFORE putting your penis inside her. Bonus points if you give her even more. And if she's difficult to make orgasm, remember only the first one is the hard one. Once you get the first, you can basically snowball that into multiple if you put the work in.
But, at the very least, if you can make her finish before you ever put your penis in her, she'll at least know that sex with you will be the bare minimum of satisfying.
And don't get me wrong, there are times in a healthy relationship where you can worry about only getting off yourself, if your reputation is strong. I think about 10-15 times in the course of my marriage of 7 years my wife didn't finish. But she didn't seem all that bothered about it, either.
That and making sure you cuddle and give nonsexual affection regularly. Only being touched when someone wants to get off makes you feel like a sex toy.
While I agree with you... (by the way, main comment guy here) I don't like being touched much. That kind of intimacy bothers me for reasons I can't quite explain and probably go back to my childhood, which I will not get into. So for me, cuddling has a pretty short lifespan. I have to do other intimate touching.
As cliché as it sounds, forehead kisses go pretty far. Though this is kind of personal, I have found that after I orgasm there's a window there where I can relax enough for her to hold me. I rubbed her feet last night, but for some weird reason she says that's why her period started today. I touch her leg...not in a, 'I want my hand to go up your skirt kind of way,' but more of a, 'I am glad you're next to me,' way. I hold her hand, even when I really don't like holding hands...I know it means something to her.
So while I do cuddle upon her request, I have to admit it must be short lived. However, I also recognize that physical intimacy outside of sex is very important. And I can confidently claim that there are ways to do that without simply cuddling.
Yeah, well... My ex went from cuddling/ talking post coitus to being wanted to be disregarded as a sex toy later in the relationship. The BDSM stuff she got into later really messed up some fundamental behaviors in physical intimacy. Making a woman cum isn't a "cheat code", you just know her body.
Where we did that stuff early in the relationship, this is like 10 years into it, and as noted, the more we got into the lifestyle, the sex was good, but the PDA's and casual intimacy stuff became less and less. Looking back, I have a lot of regrets about things we did to "spice things up" (Open Relationship/ another woman, BDSM) that took away from other aspects of our relationship and later helped destroy it.
It's sad that her coming is a "cheat" code. Honestly, whenever men complain about not getting enough sex, I think... if she were enjoying the sex as much as you, she'd want it as much as you. The orgasm gap is real.
Yeah I always see men complaining about their dead bedrooms on Reddit and then I turn around and look at my lesbian friends in life who are fucking like gangbusters after decades of time together - its hard not to innately see that straight women are more than likely not having sex if their partners aren’t making their pleasure a priority or they are bad partners outside of the bedroom & that’s making you unfuckable.
I’ve never seen a “dead bedroom” post where any guy has ever even mentioned he prioritizes his partners pleasure & ensures he’s been giving the sex she likes out of the relationship before complaining the sex stopped. They seldom ever mention the relationship balance dynamics outside the bedroom.
Like if you expect to dagger me and you suck at foreplay, non-sexual touching, or you’re a bad kisser on top of it, I’d stop fucking you too.
Maybe. I can tell you that my ex-wife of 26 years reached climax before me nearly every time we were intimate. Despite long sex sessions (over 30 Min typically), mutually beneficial orgasms, sex frequency waited over time to the point that we were down to once a month or every 6 weeks in the end. I never stopped asking, I never stopped doing more than 50% of the household chores and 70% of the combined income. I thought “how can I take some work off her plate” as a way to give her more time for intimate time together.
Perimenopause kicked in at 46 for her and her desire wained and wained. She tried hormone treatment, but only got more moody and less intimate. Snuggling ended, kisses were reduced to pecks and my unhappiness peaked. I had a roommate, not a lover. She ended it and I am thankful. We are still friends. She’s a great person, but not my lover.
Now that I have been with several women since the divorce, my ego has been boosted. All have told me thet they couldn’t believe that I brought them to orgasm during coitus before I climaxed. The 2 that had been previously married (7 and 15 years), told me that neither of them had climaxed from coitus the entire time they were married to their spouses. They told me repeatedly that I paid attention to their needs…and this is rare(?). Truthfully, I don’t feel right if my lover doesn’t orgasm, but I realize that this is not the case with many men who pump and dump.
I don’t know if or when I will get married again, but I can tell you—at least so far—sex in my short term relationships has been far better for both partners than it was when I was married. In fact, I have had more sex in the last year since my separation than in my last 10 years of marriage. At this point, marriage really feels like a step down.
You said “maybe” and then in the context of your own story admitted that while your wife had orgasms & lost interest in sex eventually - 2 of your female partners revealed to you their orgasms were never a priority in their own marriages to men.
Do you guys hear yourselves? The “orgasm gap” isn’t some fable, it’s something that’s actually happening to a large portion of straight women.
Like even academics are studying the phenomenon because there’s enough straight women this is happening to that they can study it.
Perhaps I should have said “probably”. The reason I’m not entirely sure is the small sample size of my personal experience. I’m defiantly not disagreeing with you, just stressing that it’s an anecdote.
Nope.
It’s *an academically studied phenomena of how straight women aren’t having orgasms with their partners anywhere near the rate queer women are.
But I agree, women should divorce men pressuring by them into sex they don’t enjoy & don’t experience pleasure from.
If so many straight men are managing to have orgasms while their partners go without & this is a common observable quantifiable issue - that’s not a compatibility issue, that’s a skill & frankly societal issue.
If the solution for straight women to have a partner that cares about them receiving an orgasm is to just fuck women, that’s straight guys failing basic sexual literacy.
It sounds like you're saying that women with low libido have simply not found the right orgasm yet, rather than accept her sexuality the way that it is.
You know, having had a prolonged fling with a bi woman who had a significant history with women I'd like to chime in with something here. Men and women are not the same. I know some people like to pretend we're all basically the same for one idiotic political/social reason or another but there are major biological differences between men and women. That's particularly true when it comes to sex.
One major difference that my bi friend always talked about is that women can keep going and going and going while having sex... which increases their ability to pleasure each other. When a man orgasms on the other hand, we're out of the game for a while.. and a lot of guys don't exactly have the stamina of porn stars. This is obviously something that can be worked around but it requires open communication between partners which a lot of people. both men and women, just don't seem to be capable of.
It's also important to remember that nobody knows what women want more than.... women. So obviously women are going to give women better orgasms.
You have hands and a mouth, just like any lesbian. Women give each other orgasms with no boners at all.
This is why men statistically suck at getting women off. They often don't want to waste time doing things for the women when there is no direct benefit to themselves; like, they are attracted enough to use a woman's body to masturbate with, but that's about as far as it goes.
Take the lady for a "lark". If you find that too distressing, at least use your fingers
The fact this guy immediately went “well we lose our boners so we can’t keep going like women do” in relation to pleasuring someone else shows he seems to think orgasms begin and ends at the tip of a dick.
thank you dude for unironically not understanding the problem
Exactly. My husband after he's finished will ask me if I want more or if I'm done. He also typically knows which answer I'm going to give. And if I want to keep going he's got hands and a mouth and he keeps going until I tap out. Also when he's out for the count and I really want something in me, thats what toys are for. Just because you're dick is done doesn't mean the fun has to stop.
Part of what you agree to when you marry, is to continue to pleasure the man you marry. Divorce is necessary, but monetary judgments need to stop going to women who don't uphold what they agree to when they marry
I was in a dead bedroom and I had done all those things. No avail. The unfortunate reality is that your rational unwittingly plays right into existing gender dynamics that subtlety create the “patriarchy” that I suspect you greatly oppose. It boils down to “can’t get sex? You’re not man enough”. That phrasing is one your frontal lobe may reject as a “feminist” who rejects gender roles, but your reptilian core feels to be true deep down. your knee jerk reaction and raw opinions here (re: behaviors) show that you do subconsciously rely on and fall back on those gender roles you claim to hate and dismantle. It’s a frustrating flaw of modern feminism, and is causing women to reject and be ashamed of their natural sexuality.
He's saying the cheat code is making her cum before penetration. Not making her cum at all. But yes, there is a problem with men not prioritizing female pleasure. Which is bonkers to me because her arousal and pleasure is the thing that turns me on. If my wife bends over and tells me to fuck her, but I know she isn't actually horny and is just doing it for me, I literally couldn't get hard.
I love having the cheat codes to my wife's pleasure! It took years but I can play her sexually like she is a Stradivarius...that is an amazing bit of knowledge.
Your anecdotal experience flys in the face of the academic studies about this very subject showing there is indeed an orgasm gap between straight & gay women.
common (porn-based) misconception is that lubrication or squirting = coming. they are not the same thing at all. porn promotes the idea because men have a strong visceral reaction to seeing ejaculation as proof of orgasm.
ALso, studies of "squirting" have mostly found the substance to be urine, so yes, if she's squirting, you are stimulating things to where she's peeing a wee little bit. grats.
I'm not saying you can't be the extremely rare exception -maybe you do have a partner who cums twice every time you bang. It's extremely rare, though, and a huge number of ppl on reddit think they are this magical exception. So naturally I"m skeptical.
If you want to verify : ask her if there are thigns she wants to try or change. be vulnerable, open, and listen. keep your ego out of it. this can only improve things for both of you, regardless of where it is now.
Redditor: I am completely aware of the difference of viscosity, the skenes and bladder, the difference of expected volume and if my wife of 25 years is the type of person who would piss the bed to protect my fragile ego. I am a registered nurse who has penchant for great sex, a very firm grasp of anatomy and physiology. You’ve said nothing I don’t already know.
But let me placate you and respond with, “No shit?!?”
If you are a nurse, you can look upo and understand the studies about what squirting actually is.
And as a nurse, I'd expect you to understand that women don't actually ejaculate, and that all the various liquids associated with sex do not correspond to coming.
woudl be silly if it did, because teh sex would hurt if we only started lubing up at orgasm? would not make any sense. Fortunately, that's not what happens.
but you can just be like every dude on here who confidently assumes they are a sex god and yet will never ask their partner what is or isn't working in vulnerable way. Don't worry about me. Just be like all the guys.
It’s quite alright, man. Again, you’ve said nothing I already know. And you’re right, ALL women lie about sex, especially my wife, who never cums when she squirts.
Actually the fact that you don't know that quantity of liquid is not equal to quantity of orgasms makes me more doubtful of your original claim. but i hope your wife truly is having the incredible sex you beleive she is.
it's just interesting that every sexual problem in a relationship always seems to be the man's fault. "He can't stay hard" "he doesn't last long" "he cums too quick" "he's not big enough" "he doesn't know how to turn me on" "he doesn't make me wet" "he doesn't know how to make me come" "he doesn't know how to make me orgasm" "he doesn't get me". It's always the man's fault. Never the woman's. Ever. What's also interesting is that anytime a woman cheats, they still blame the husband.
Thats just called masturbation, no husband needed if her orgasm is her responsibility.
Now if you want to have sex thats intimate and fullfilling it requires all parties to have a vested interest in each other's pleasure. Thats the thing that makes it fun.
I don't disagree that all parties have a vested interest if one wants it to be fulfilling, but more often than not, the man is blamed for sexual issues. If he can't get hard and last long, it's his fault, but if she can't get wet or have an orgasm, he's still blamed.
Regardless, you've said something that women have heard and experienced from partners time and time again- that their orgasm is their problem and that thier male partners dont particularly care if they have or havent finished by the time they have. You've then tried to justify it as some no-way-to-win scenario.
If mutual orgasms and mututal enjoyment arent the goal of all parties involved, then everyone would be better served by thier hands. Ive been with the 'i got mine' guys and frankly I'd rather be celibate the rest of my life than spend more time in those beds. I've also been with partners who have issues getting hard or even finishing and its the best sex ive ever had.
You're not in bed with comments sections, youre in bed with a person (or people, depending). You can take feedback from previous partners said in good faith and apply it to try to get better results, but if you carry the lodestone of the worst of the internet into every bedroom and let it make you presume how that partner will react you are setting yourself and them up for a dissatisfactory time.
Shifting blame is a poor man's replacement for self reflection.
I love the confidence you’ve waded in here with, tell me you’ve never experienced a dead bedroom without telling me
Why is it automatically a guy’s fault if she feels gross? Obviously there’s stuff he can do to help with that (assuming she doesn’t feel gross because she eg ate too much ice cream), but ultimately we all have a responsibility to work on our own issues. I used to feel gross about myself and now I don’t, yay!
Unfortunately a lot of people spent years in the DB community wondering what we were doing wrong, wondering what was so disgusting about us, wondering how we could even hug our spouse without them trying to pour cold water on everything
As for your cHeAt CoDe, holy assumptions batman. My favourite part of sex is seeing my partner get off. I can count on one hand the number of times the woman I was with didn’t cum. I still ended up in a marriage having sex less than once a month with a woman who had no interest in working on that and was more concerned with shifting the blame literally anywhere else (at one point she said we couldn’t have sex because her lunch needed to be made for the next day, the washing up needed doing, the bathrooms cleaning, etc etc etc when in reality I handled all of that stuff anyway)
If your partner (male or female) isn’t interested in sex and isn’t willing to work on that at all there’s literally nothing that can be done. And I say that as someone who, without realising it, ended up low libido after divorce. It took a lot of work mentally and sorting out my hormones but I probably want it now more than ever, and my partners since have been more than happy with that
Oh no, you used a metaphor, some people are gonna have some //very// big feelings about that…
But yeah exactly this. It’s always incredibly easy when you don’t have to deal with the situation at hand. ‘If there’s a car in front of you just go round it’ kinda thing. If you asked me pre-marriage I’d say I was an excellent partner, and funnily enough I also had all the answers for how to do a relationship well
The biggest issue I’ve found is that people of both genders don’t wanna take responsibility for their own shit (not just in sex but across the board) so it all becomes an exercise in deflection and denial rather than a genuine attempt to resolve anything
You make her feel less gross by complimenting her body and telling her she looks sexy. Women have to deal with insanely high beauty standards that men don't. Women are more likely to have body image issues due to body shaming by men. Men demand women be perfectly neat and hairless and smell-less down there as well.
He speaks the truth. Been married 14 years. Sex is never a problem. Make her feel loved, beautiful, safe. I don’t ever have any problems getting it. Also, be creative. Try different places, Have fun with it. Don’t be boring…..and always get her to orgasm first.
I agree on the creativity thing. Also...you sometimes have to get a bit 'nasty.' I mean, without going into the details, I am not saying you have to do weird and strange things... but if you are willing to fully dive in and get a little messy when you're tongue tickling her tenders, that in itself is enough to add some wood to the fire.
Yeah, take a fucking shower… tada you’re not gross. It’s by far the dumbest excuse to give. Feeling unsexy? There’s a man wanting to have sex with you in that moment… you literally can’t get any sexier than that. Told my wife this, and she wholeheartedly agreed.
If you fall out of love with the other person then just get a divorce… sometimes it happens. We’re all human after all.
My wife has become progressively more disabled over the last five years. Unsurprisingly, our sex life has dwindled. A huge component of it is that she feels trapped in a body that has failed and betrayed her. She doesn't feel sexy much of the time. I go out of my way to make sure she knows that I am still extremely attracted to her, and she's confirmed for me that helps a lot.
Me and my wife’s friends had the same situation as spreadsheet guy, ended up getting divorced.
My wife told me woman saying “I feel gross” is just a fancy way to say “I’m not in the mood”.
It’s the same as the “I have a head ache” or “I’m tired” excuse, when you give a specific reason it give the illusion of “I would but….” Which sounds better then just saying “no I don’t want too”. Because she won’t have a headache next time or she just needs a shower is easier to handle then she doesn’t like sex as much as me.
The problem with my buddies wife, and probably a lot of woman, is they have lower sex drives but hide it at the start of relationships. Once they get married they don’t feel like they need to do it regularly anymore because they have them locked down. Similar to guys who put a lot of effort into relationships at the start then let themselves go once they get comfortable.
But for many it's the expectation of penetration that turns them off. Sometimes you don't want that . Many people aren't into it, or just not that often. It's nice to asume and take that into consideration, but there might be other reasons, which could feel hurtful to the other and use the feeling gross thing to cover it.
Let's not forget penetration is physically painful for many people, it can be even for the one penetrating.
There are admittedly many women who suffer from not enjoying penetration, but it isn't the majority and is always something that should be discussed with a doctor, whether it be due to physical or psychological reasons.
However, it would be more fair to say that more women tend to experience pleasure from stimulation of the clit rather than penetration. However, oral simulation and orgasms prior to penetration often tear down this barrier in what I would consider a slight majority of situations. Once a woman is sufficiently stinulated and has perhaps had a few orgasms, it is usually rather natural for them to not only enjoy penetration, but actively desire it.
Again, there are many women who dislike the idea of penetration prior to sex, but I would argue that in many of these cases they've simply had bad experiences regarding penetration.
This is simply to an analogy I use for anal (though I personally don't enjoy giving or recieving in that department, just not my thing)...it's a whole lot like anime. Anime is pretty fun, and can be super enjoyable. But if you introduce someone to anime the wrong way, they'll probably hate it forever.
And I will give the men out there a cheat code I like to use with my wife... ALWAYS make her achieve an orgasm or two BEFORE putting your penis inside her.
From experience, this usually does not work. I always work hard to give partners orgasms 100% of the time, good orgasms too, and still, in my experience, most women will still not be very interested in sex. I honestly don't understand it, but that is what I have found multiple times.
This is my rhought also. You know how you can know a woman isn't faking? When she is comfortable telling you something isn't doing it for her or that she didn't orgasm without having to worry it will hurt your feelings.
I'm a conscientious lover, there is no pressure to orgasm. Usually they don't orgasm at the beginning of the relationship, and that's fine, I work to get better, discover what they like so that I can do better, eventually they can orgasm every time.
What I'm saying is, in my experience, this doesn't matter. A woman can have orgasms 100% of the time and still not be interested in sex. I honestly don't understand it, so I can't offer an explanation (unlike Mr "I have all the answers" above).
People can downvote all they want, I think it's wrong to put the idea in people's heads that they just need to be better in bed. That's not always going to work. Some people have a low sex drive and the quality of the sex doesn't change that.
You haven’t actually dealt with a dead bedroom if compliments fix the issue. You’re getting upvoted because it’s what women want to hear and alleviates their accountability in the situation.
Piggbacking, with one word. Tools. Man built the world with tools. Why not a relationship?
Foreplay starts in the morning... for OP a week. Consistency is huge. A little goes long.
79
u/Ruminahtu 24d ago edited 23d ago
As a married man, the amount of times her reasoning was that she 'felt gross' is somewhat concerning.
I can't know the entire situation, but I know women enough to know 'I feel gross' is almost always a genuine feeling and admission.
Maybe work on making her feel not gross and see if some action happens.
Many men would be super surprised how easily sex comes when you make a woman FEEL sexy. And that doesn't mean making gross comments.
It means saying, 'Wow, that looks great on you,' 'I know it's just pajamas, but I have to admit it still does it for me," 'Hey, I've got dinner and the kids, if you want to take your time in the bath. I really miss you in the bedroom, and know you want to feel clean.'
I mean...you couple that with actually making a woman finish and you'll never go without sex a day of your life. It's not rocket science.
And I will give the men out there a cheat code I like to use with my wife... ALWAYS make her achieve an orgasm or two BEFORE putting your penis inside her. Bonus points if you give her even more. And if she's difficult to make orgasm, remember only the first one is the hard one. Once you get the first, you can basically snowball that into multiple if you put the work in.
But, at the very least, if you can make her finish before you ever put your penis in her, she'll at least know that sex with you will be the bare minimum of satisfying.
And don't get me wrong, there are times in a healthy relationship where you can worry about only getting off yourself, if your reputation is strong. I think about 10-15 times in the course of my marriage of 7 years my wife didn't finish. But she didn't seem all that bothered about it, either.
Take what I said however you want.