r/SipsTea • u/Putrid-Welder1803 • 24d ago

SMH Who's in the wrong here?

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u/Jormungand1342 24d ago

Last year mine would have been the same. My wife and I would have sex once every few months. It was agony.

Now shes an ex and I was dating someone for a bit. 

Had more sex in 6 months then I did the previous 5 years I think. Like 6 times on avg on the weekends. Would love to see the chart on that one. 

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u/snark-sloth 24d ago

You were dating and in the honeymoon phase. Probably putting more effort into wooing the new girl than the person you’d been with for 5+ years.

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u/Jormungand1342 23d ago

Slightly, there are a ton of other factors that lead into it. 

Honestly I put in less effort and that was the telling part for me. I was in a marriage for 10 years with someone with BPD.

By the end all household chores and working was done by me. She worked a part time job for 30% of our marriage. Plus we had pets and foster pets. 

So effort isn't lost on me. The effort was just different. Part is 100% "new girl likes me" 

But there was a lot more. Just 2 very sexual people finding each other. Some people work at that pace.

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u/snark-sloth 23d ago

BPD is rough, that sounds like a rough go. I wasn’t trying to rag on you, it’s just hard to compare honeymoon phases with years long relationships.

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u/Jormungand1342 23d ago

Absolutely and not a smart thing to do, but at the same time with a new person sexual chemistry was vastly different. 

Perfect example, I asked my ex-wife more than once to talk about our sex life, wants/needs, etc. Something we had done before and I wanted to again because it has been rough (not like that) for years. I was told, "not right now. But we can when im ready." I asked for a few months and got the same. 

New person I wanted to have the conversation. We had a long conversation about it, and were able to communicate well, (we immediately went to a sex store after too!).

So sometimes the honeymoon phase is absolutely a thing, but when you see intrinsic differences in a new person vs an ex it can really put things into perspective. 

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u/Curious_boyOS 23d ago

Let's spin "The Wheel Of Blame"!

I wonder what the result will be this time! Just kidding. It will be "man". It's always "man". All wedges are "man".

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u/snark-sloth 23d ago

It’s just reality of how relationships work? Everyone is putting in more effort and the sexual chemistry, on a biological level, is at an all time high. I’m not blaming him, I’m saying it’s unrealistic to compare the first 6 months of a relationship with a long term relationship. But keep playing the victim I guess

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u/AdenJax69 23d ago

Probably putting more effort into wooing the new girl than the person you’d been with for 5+ years.

That phrasing made it sound like you were taking a swipe at him for being happier to put in the time with someone newer than his low-effort ex.

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u/Jormungand1342 23d ago

Haha thanks! I was doing that to myself enough. Guilt after a relationship like that is fucking awful. 

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u/AdenJax69 23d ago

Nah, you made the right call as your happiness is important too.

Your comment likely touched a nerve with her and doesn't want to admit she's doing that to her partner & doesn't want to suffer the same fate for it.

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u/CaptainTheta 24d ago

This is how we know you don't have children... The priorities shift a little bit.

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u/Jormungand1342 23d ago

Guilty, but my last relationship wasn't someone I could or would have kids with.

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u/CaptainTheta 23d ago

Fair enough that makes the lack of sex extra weird and annoying

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u/Jormungand1342 23d ago

To be fair we are talking about a trauma bonded 20 year relationship that has a multitude of personality issues on both sides. 

So messy