seriously

we are literally just matter. atoms, cells, chemicals, whatever. and somehow this stuff became aware of itself and now its sitting here asking "why am i alive" and "why does anything exist"

like what the fuck is this situation 😂

everyone just acts like being alive is the most normal thing ever. you wake up, go to work, eat, pay bills, scroll your phone, sleep... nobody stops and goes WAIT A SECOND why is there even something here??

why is there a universe instead of nothing?? nothing would make way more sense to me honestly. no matter, no space, no time, no consciousness, nothing. problem solved lol

but no, somehow there is all this stuff, and inside it theres these little clumps of matter that can actually realize they're clumps of matter and start having existential problems about it

and somehow THAT is considered normal

idk man. sometimes being conscious feels like the weirdest fucking thing that could possibly have happened

I spent the entire afternoon cooking a prime rib low and slow. I took it out and left it covered on the counter to rest it for about an hour before searing and took a quick nap. While I was napping, my mom decided to cut it into tiny slices, decided it looked too rare (perfect med-rare btw), and stir fried them to well done. Ordering takeout now. FML.

during 14-20, I literally looked pretty chopped and I was literally a ghost despite me trying to make friends or just talk to people in general. tried going on those chatting sites because I was bored out of my mind and this girl literally bursted out laughing looking at me and I was just like “damn🥲”

so it just reached a point of hating the way I looked so I took it upon myself to go to the gym to lose my weight and took better care of myself. fast forward a year and a half, I actually look somewhat attractive.

the difference of the attention people are giving me is wayy different then what it was before. there’s women who actually pay attention to me, and people tend to be more friendly with me.

all I wanted to say, das crazy.

There's been a long trend that happened so forcefully that people who tried to stop it were overpowered by apathy. People became the subject of other people's videos. Some people make content of themselves, and that's great, but more and more the subject of the video is not the person creating the video and often it leads to public shaming en masse, jokes, insults, etc and it's toxic to society because no one gets to be better, they just get to be destroyed.

There was a recent case where a woman was using a vibrator under a towel on the beach and was reported to police. What 20 years ago would have been an incident she could recover from, instead she went viral and in the following months killed herself. It took a month for anyone to notice the smell coming from her apartment. What would have previously led to investigations and calls for reforms, her death was largely looked over. A country that posts 988 like a mantra didn't give a damn that their actions had led someone to their death.

I'm all for investigations of convicted murderers and the like, but when I was suggested bodycam footage of a woman in a parking garage who was simply having a breakdown and committing no crimes, I thought something had gone very wrong. People are being preserved in their worst moments and used as entertainment. I don't think this is sustainable. In less harmful contexts, people are harassed on the street by content creators who, even if they succeeded, would have succeeded because of unpaid content created by someone other than themselves. Hopefully, someone out there feels the same.

Today was my birthday and I invited 4 college friends to a restaurant. First, 2 of them came 30 minutes late, and the other 2 came an hour late. I had already pre-booked the food, so it had to be reheated.

And none of them brought anything. I’m not talking about an expensive gift, but even a small bouquet, even if they all contributed, would’ve been nice.

And okay the 1st pair had genuine problem because one girl got her periods midway. But the 2nd pair's behaviour felt so disrespectful.

They came, ate everything, talked (which I obviously liked because we have common topics), and then left.

Like… what the fuck bro 😭 Who does this? I’m feeling kinda sad about it.

I had brain surgery when I was 10 months old to get a tumor out. And I swear to god I remember lying face down in the recovery room.

Now I'm 28 and to this day, I can't lie on my stomach with my hands at my side without getting a bit anxious and nauseous. That's the position I was in for my surgery. If I'm sleeping on my stomach, I need one hand against the back of my head then I can calm down and be comfortable.

i also have epilepsy due to the head injury I've gained from the surgery. My mom says that during my seizures, I tend to put my hands on the back of my head over my surgical scar and look scared.

i just think it's so fascinating what our body and mind are capable of and how I can in a sense, recall going through my brain surgery.

I worked my ass off to loose my pregnancy weight which was 40-50 pounds and a great achievement honestly. Especially being so freshly postpartum. I’ve always had really strong opinions on my physical self and cherished the phases in my life where I found myself to be acceptable in my eyes.

Now that I’m the same weight I was pre-pregnancy I’m more self conscious than ever before because I use to have an hourglass shape and a great ass. Which my partner loved. Now all the weight sits in my stomach and my ass has been sent into oblivion.

I look horrible. I need new clothes because of the way my stomach spills over my pants now in my old ones. Working on that.

I’ve also just been overly exhausted and dealing with a ton of mental load because of that so finding the will-power to workout right now is just nonexistent. I hate this. Maybe this part of my life be a phase that passes quickly. Amen.

For the love of God, if you're going to base any part of your session on counting up or down, make sure that you're either using actual seconds, or consistent with your arbitrary measure! I'm tired of instructors counting from 10 to 1 with their intervals measuring 1.2, 2.3, 1.4, 1.7 seconds etc. And if you're going to stop at 5 to say a few words, maybe think about picking it up again at 3 or 2. Yes everyone has their own rhythm, but you imposing your own arbitrary rhythms on people right as they're reaching their point of exhaustion creates neither less stress nor more freedom in the room; rather the complete opposite. You should all either use a watch/app or take some drumming lessons.

Like currently dealing with a lot of mental issues and a friend asked me "how are you"

I was like "not great"

Then i explain why then they just go "just be happy". Well jeez thanks i didnt think about that.

No shit im gonna be in a pissed off mood when im forced to stay up all day because you have plans.

I was trying to sleep and these mfs i call friends kept pushing me out of bed because they want me to go play Respecfully, fuck off. They get all mad after i yell at them. No shit, i went over 24 hours without sleep because my parents needed me to helo with a fall festival, whom of which dont want me sleeping during the day because they need me to do stuff, when i cant do that if i want to actually be awake for work.

I want to be outside of this box of being. The entrapment of this unfortunate existence and formation. I’m inside this box looking out we are all inside this box we’ve been inside it since we were born the box of humanity. When I desperately try to reach out there is thread on my neck that squeezes tightly when I want to leave it and I remain inside stuck with the unbearable flaws. You may say the only thing that traps me is my mindset but the trap is truly there. Just like we are programmed to eat, to sleep, to experience sexual desire, etc. It is the same with our mental system it’s more complex the programming is definitely there. After all there are people who are wired differently than us but there is still wiring. I am trapped in my own wiring, my, programming my algorithm I am trapped with this biology and systems.

This eye of mine is able to look outside of the box but can’t see what is outside. Because the eye only processes what it experiences and I have not experienced outside the box. I am trapped here with the flaws, we need flaws in our life because we ourselves are flawed and that itself is flawed. I imagine a voice yelling at me to get out but I can’t. I want to be outside but my programming wants to keep me inside. It’s the choice of the devil you don’t know and the devil you know a fear deeply ingrained in humanity. The only difference is that I don’t have a choice I only have the devil I know

-20f

My grandparents both died. My grandma was basically my mom and she passed away on the 13th. I have no dad no siblings no other family alive except my mom now and she's literally evil bipolar.

I'm scared I'm alone I'm grieving and I just don't know what to do. This is a little bit a rant but also

I'm asking for help. I need advice on how to make a support system for myself so I feel safe. (Tldr at end because this is large but I'm very emotional rn)

I've been trying really really hard to make new friends for over a year, I even CREATED my own new friends group(long island) and I got 170 people to join, I organized to have 2 separate pot luck BBQS and I managed events like go karts, hiking, other events, dinners for the group Even had 20 people show up to a ramen event lol.

Anyway I can't seem to make friends.

I'm struggling a lot with irl chemistry. Like I can text people in the group everyday but whenever we are in person it's extremely uncomfortable for me. I'm usually a decently outgoing person once I'm comfortable with you but it seems the group is 90% super super anxious shy people who can't like... Do anything and I can't handle being their high energy friend all the time if that makes sense. Also I feel like I have to be like... Really careful about stuff? They would judge me over everything, like for example my car is old and they would say just get a new car like wtf I don't have money for that also I LOVE old cars

Or

My dog was professional trained (I paid $2500) and he's a work dog so he comes to work everyday and herds birds for a living. They were judgemental when he's off leash but he's really really really good. Like we go over training everyday. He's not some couch dog or a bad dog that runs to people. He actually stays next to me and listens very well

I feel alone

I live with my boyfriend(29m) of 6 years but he's like... Really useless lately. And it's not fair imo. He's burnt out from work but there's no reason to be ...

He works on factory machines as a mechanic and he's paid very well. It is not a hard labor job AT ALL. He can sit on his phone and send em shit all day long

He's allowed and financially able to ask for less hours but he just doesn't? He's afraid they'll be more strict with him if he asks for less hours.

He works about 40 and I work 42 hours but somehow I do everything.

All the cooking, cleaning, trip planning, pet care, laundry, grocery shopping, everything. He has a ton of money saved and I can't save money because I make less and I feel like I'm paying for everything often.

He CONSTANTLY orders doordash for himself and it's annoying because I'll buy groceries for us

He gets home by 5pm

I don't get home until after 8pm 3 days a week, and the other 2 days I work 5am to 2pm.

He never cooks dinner

He gets home and immediately lays in bed until I get home. It's insanely aggravating because his mom will offer to cook FOR BOTH ME And HIM

BUT HE'LL SAY NO!!!!

I TELL him all the time to let his mom cook for us so I can just take a break for once. Sometimes she does. I've asked her directly to just cook and leave me a plate but I guess she doesn't wanna do that for whatever reason idk. I feel like they hate me.

Even today I really hurt my hand and I can't use it. He decided he wanted to wash our blanket even tho it was clean, and he threw it in the wash with a bunch of heavy towels.

Then he put it in the dryer while it was still ABSOLUTELY DRIPPING SOAKED IN WATER

I don't understand. He's 29 years old. He can put brand new engines in cars. He can write code. He can use a 3d printer. He can weld and repair and fix all machines.

But

He can't fucking use the washing machine and click drain ?

He over filled it very obviously.

My counselor and I agreed I need to move the fuck out but I have no where to go.

No friends will house me

No family left

I refuse to stay with my hoarder bipolar mom and her 25+ cats

And I live in New York on a $22/hr job I can not afford a place alone.

I've seriously contemplating moving away from New York but I love my job a lot and I don't want to lose it. I got the job in March and I've received 4 raises so far and they really love me and treat me very very very well. It's a niche job of geese patrol but we never ever hurt animals and I love it a lot. I don't pay for gas and I have a company car and I can bring my dog to work everyday.

My only issue is I feel incredibly alone And like I'm doing all the work for us and I can't do it anymore.

I would rather live alone and make friends or have a roommate. I can take care of myself fine. The issue is my partner makes everything worse. He leaves dirty laundry and trash and just random shit all over. After years of me CONSTANTLY telling him to stop it and trying to make shit easier for him and he just refuses to do it and always cites that he's burned out or too tired or too overwhelmed.

He says he has ADHD and executive decision disorder or some bullshit but only when it comes to cleaning or just avoiding making our home dirtier!!!!!

Idk what to do. I feel defeated.

We went camping and I told him exactly the days to take off work 6 months before we left. He needed to take off Wednesday until Saturday.

He took off an entire week of work and told them a week before we left...

But he wouldn't leave work an hour early when either of my grandparents died he wouldn't be there for me. He wouldn't go to the funeral home when I did all the arrangements. He wouldn't even be there when she died. He stopped by and I saw his car across the street and he left without coming inside. He got us food and came back like 30 min later and she was dead..

I ordered the food all he had to do was pick it up ON THE WAY TO MY GRANDMA'S and instead he went to Grandma's house and sat in his car and didn't come inside to see me or her and then went and meandered around for 30 min playing on Instagram .

And then got our food that I ordered for us and came back and came inside after 9pm. I texted him that she was going to pass soon.

His friends gf unalibed herself Tuesday and he said well she was bipolar and constantly saying she was going to do it.

She did it because her bf (my bfs friend) was ignoring her when her family died. Which is scarily similar to what's happening to me.

I said to him there's no difference between them and us except I'm not dead rn.

It's disgusting he's saying she was gonna do it anyway.

Like wtf she did it because she was alone and needed support and was ignored.

I cried for her because I wish she just talked to me. We are going through the same thing.

I applied for section 8 government housing and affordable housing services but it can take years especially since I make a medium amount and I have a dog. I'm like making enough to survive but definitely not enough to house myself AND feed myself so it's like... Really shitty. I'm in the middle. I make like $34k after taxes ? I think?

I need to get the fuck out of this. I can't stand this.

Also

No means no

I hate when I say I'm not in a good mood or I'm sad or just exhausted and he will like... Smack my butt or whatever. He doesn't respect me at all.

Whenever I bring up any of this to him, he always plays the 'im sorry I'm trying.' or 'im so burned out and you're never affectionate.' bullshit

Like yeah I would be if you bathed and didnt smell so heinous.

I hate love.

I hate how much I need to feel loved

And how I never feel loved enough

Tl:Dr

I need to create a support system so I'm not alone and don't feel trapped anymore. I don't know how too. Everyone I try to meet is extremely awkward or just very mean in some way. The 3 people I did get along with, it lasted a few months and fizzled out.

I'm struggling. I have no family and barely any real friends. Trying to make friends in New York is hard and idk why.

I need to get away from this current relationship if he doesn't start to take care of himself (bathing cleaning eating medicating etc)

I need to be self sufficient and I don't know how without more income and I'm really trying to save $. I work 42 hours and I'm still unable to be self sufficient so I'm kinda trapped rn.

My partner won't do shit to take care of himself and it makes my life significantly worse.

Any advice is greatly appreciated

The goddamn NJ Transit has been raising prices, has a brand new app they are super proud of for some goddamn reason and still cannot figure out how to inform people the train is delayed.

I'm standing on the platform waiting for my 11 AM train. It's 11:05 and an announcement comes on explaining that the train is running late. No shit sherlock! That information would have been helpful 10 minutes ago!!! I check the app and its showing everything as On Time. WHATS THE POINT OF THAT THEN???

Why is it so hard to calculate updated train times? If the train has left a station and is moving, you should have a general idea of how long it'll take to get to each station. But for some reason this brand new piece of shit app can't show this. Its on time or nothing!

I sacrificed five to six years of my youth working to pay off my aging parents' debts and financial crisis. Until I realized its price . Depression , sadness , becomeing extremely serious underconfident and selfless. Now, as a university student, I struggle to help at home with chores and even money because I'm focused on finishing the degree I once gave up. I battle depression and guilt, feeling like a horrible person for prioritizing my life. Ny mom makes me feel like shit because I dont hel around anymore even when she sees I can barely take a shower . I wish I had the courage to move out, or that my mother would just kick me out so I could finally start living the better life I deserve. I don't think she's wrong she needs help at her age . But I am already 25 I can't keep.this up and loose all.my 20s in this cycle. I need to tjink about myself and be happy, at peace. Something I haven't felt for years. I hate that parents have all these expectations form their child as if it's a requirement. I am the youngest of 4 who moved out and I am left here . Feeling overwhelmed and made felt like the most horrible person . Why all.expectations from me if I am.finally getting my life and myself back again

Before you ask I am too broke to move out . But this price for staying is too much for my mental health

And I was genuinely trying to help more, one chore a week and keep doing more and more but honestly after my mom's behavior I want to quit . Everything. Studies work everything that's how bad the energy is

I feel like I'm being fucked in the ass left and right

The bills keep going up.. services are the same and so is my income (unfortunately)

I legit am looking for a new job right now because my current job doesn't keep up with inflation

But seriously it's depressing. I feel like every month I'm being hit with a new price increase

Being a disillusioned idealist is like hoping for the cinematic while living in the anticlimactic. You desire more you desire greatness but you are left with nothing and the mediocre. Desperately envisioning what it’s like to be in the sky but remember you are still on the ground. When all your desires, ideals and achievements remain in your fantasy you see the harshness in reality. That’s how it feels for me when you go on for so long hoping for something but the world damns you for even doing so because life does not work that way. You see things for how they truly are now and how delusional you are, but the hardest part about being a disillusioned idealist is that you’re still an idealist. You are forced to see the disappointing reality of things but deep inside you still have hope inside even when you know it’s unrealistic. It’s like being torn by the 2 different sides fantasy and reality it’s easy to remain in one but not two. The curse of being an idealist is that it still hopes and aims for greatness while knowing it’s hopeless. Such a conundrum it is it like the nature and nurture battling against each other and I do not how to find peace like this.

-20f

Because the stove is electric and has Internet control for temps and stuff, which is nice but definitely unnecessary, the stove turns out to not work when it’s not connected, it blacks you from turning it on saying to connect internet (there might be away around this but it’s not obvious). I thought our washer and dryer having AI was stupid, but at least that works without internet, and I’ll all honesty the AI is wonderful, it washes everything so much better and saves so much water, honestly it’s one of those things that sounds dumb but it’s really nice to have.

I already was against an electric stove, can’t even cook without power, now we can’t cook without internet bro (we do have a gas grill and a gas portable cooktop so it’s not like it’s the end of the world, just really dumb) I’m all for adding quality of life features, but those features should never get in the way of the main function, there was this place called brand less, unfortunately they closed but they sold just basic stuff, it did oven and nothing else kind of shit.

I’m all for integrating new tech into things to make them better, but again, stop making it get in the way of what the thing is supposed to do, my car is a 2010, I have 200k+ miles on it, I have had the engine replaced, other parts replaced, really most of the car is newer probably closer to a 2015-2020 aged car, but the only tech issue I’ve had is my Bluetooth being kind of shit but it’s after market and not part of the car, it’s a separate plug in node that connects to the aux and a separate power outlet. My moms car is like 2024 and she has to pay a bunch of BS to get access to her like computer thing, for using it more than just the basic car controls, like she has to pay to connect her phone, use maps, use the radio (serious xm) like all I pay is gas, and insurance, now it’s also true I don’t have working AC, my seats are ripped from the 25 years in sun damage and the inside kind of looks like old lady skin mixed with mud (it’s a off-roader) I rather not have AC than have to pay to use basic fucking car features, I’m 23, it’s not like I’m old, I’m quite tech savvy, I’m a mechanical engineering student, I have a history in programming, cybersecurity and computer science, so I’m more than capable of understanding the usefulness of such tech, but still. If it gets in the way of the core functionality, or basic functions that other products have, or especially if you buy the product but have to pay for a subscription to use that products other features then I think you have gone too far.

I do have a few exceptions, for example games like WOW, BDO and especially ESO (I’m a big supporter of how ESO does its subscription) I think they are completely valid for having a subscription or offering a DLC separately, those games and DEVs need to make money and as long as what they are putting out is quality and using the money to help improve the game and expand it then more power to them, certain programs too like CAD and even some CNC machine software is also understandable, especially with the more advanced technology the newer machines have, I think within the corporate/manufacturing/industrial sector of things that’s fine too, companies paying subscriptions to use products for production I think is 100% fine, it’s just the civilian/home/personal use products that should not be allowed to have subscriptions like that or if they do, it’s not something that takes away from what it is in such a way that gets in the way of everyday use. My parents have a toilet that has a subscription service, it tracks and gives them updates on their health, but they could not pay it and the toilet would be fine, they wouldn’t even be aware they were not using it if they stopped paying, they just wouldn’t get the health updates, I’m 100% fine with things like that, just make it make sense and don’t be greedy.

So I had to put my dog, Kiki, down yesterday. I’ve had him since I was 9. My family won’t let me speak to my sister and Kiki was her dog, she’s going to be devastated. My family won’t talk to me because I want conservatorship of said sister which has been a shit show in itself.

My job is client based and I lost 2/3 of my clients so I went from 40hrs to 15hrs and I really liked these clients. I lost my first client bc the mom thought I was lying about something and idk what. I lost my second client bc the supervisor hates my guts and trust me, the feeling is mutual. My client didn’t want me removed, she’s been calling and texting me all day asking what happened.

So my fuckin dog died and I look at my phone to see now my job is fucked up and I just got promoted. The owner of the company wants to have a meeting about it but I’m hopeful because she likes me and we’ve been talking about dropping my cases to make room for supervisor work.

So instead of talking to me, this mom and supervisor didn’t say a word and got me in trouble instead. Idk what even fucking happened. Two of my coworkers reached out and both haven’t responded in over a day which worries me bc why haven’t they responded? I can’t even bother to care about any of this, I miss my dog.

There’s this micro-influencer on Instagram who posts cool content I found, who I discovered from her fiancée. She’s a Christian micro-influencer who also posts matcha and coffee content, some recipes, and beautiful nature pics, and her fiancée is a Christian filmmaker. She posted about story with a cool looking drink on it, I politely message her asking for the name/recipe of the drink. I notice a few hours later while looking at my Instants it was ‘seen’. Kind of did forget about it, tbh. But seeing that, I politely followed up, check again later on, ‘seen’ again, but the story is gone. I click the profile and I’m blocked. All I did was ask what the drink was. Nothing weird in between. I didn’t get mad. Just curiosity on something I could potentially remake myself or get recommended when I go to said place. And I get ignored and promptly blocked. This is coming from a seemingly very nice, principled, wholesome person too, and while I’m also struggling with some friends responding in a timely manner. It just seems like people will do anything to kindly respond to a kindly asked question sometimes. Rant over

There's a known tendency that's getting more prominent where people who know a little about a subject are often more confident than people who know a lot. Real experts tend to say "it's complicated" because they've seen how many things can go wrong.

It's simple to you while it's only in your head. The real world never fights back until you actually test your theory in it. What seems simple to you all of a sudden has seemingly infinite variables that you never accounted for.

It probably bothers me more than it should but it seems like it's more and more these days.

Id rather shit in my hands and clap then combine these three again. You could walk to your destination and still be faster than American Airlines, how is it possible that the gate is never ready for the plane? How is it possible that the covers on the plane windows NEVER STAY UP?! It’s a miracle this company is still in business with how shit they are.

If you’re waiting on someone to call you and pick you up at the airport make sure you triple check your ringer if you have an IPhone(still won’t matter half the time). How is it possible that my ringer is on max and I still don’t even feel a fucking vibration when someone is calling me? A FUCKING MESSANGER PIGEON IS MORE RELIABLE THAN THIS PIECE OF SHIT PHONE!

During all of this you are in the 7th layer of hell that is the Philly airport. I swear they have crews that come out night and just rub shit everywhere and spray fart spray along with it. Somehow it’s possible that the outside smells worse than the bathrooms inside.

Just when you think it’s all over, you have to get on I-95.

i have failed at making friends every single time I have tried. i fucked up or others fucked up or i am too sensitive, idk what the fucking reason is.

i don't know how friendships work anymore. i have a toxic family, everyone is somehow so resentful.

for context i am 22 yo

i have had a traumatic childhood and teenage years. i have developed anxiety in general and have my self esteem in the clutches.

i am having a massive breakdown rn because:

earlier this year, I met a bunch of guys at a houseparty. these bunch of guys are friends for a long time. i was invited there by my college friend who had his fwb there. i got drunk af and kissed a guy i just met cause we had good chemistry. i even slept on his lap like he seemed safe. i was like really really into him, we continued talking and seeing each other for a week. it didn't work out, apparently i was too unpredictable for him. i was later in touch w the guy who owned the house we partied in. we went for a walk one day then we played badminton w a few others. i even asked him twice or thrice whether he si planning to arrange a houseparty some day, since it was all fun the last time we did it, he said yeah sure whenever he had the home to himself he will do it. i felt he was my friend

cut to tonight, the same clg friend called me up and the house guy asked me to come and meet 'em down his building if I am around. i was walking back home so thought yeah why not. the guy I had kissed was present too, i tried to avoid contact w him but I greeted him.

we all stood and chatted for a while there approx 15 mins. i asked the clg friend when did she come here and when is she gonna leave since she stays in a different area. the clg friend said she is going to have dinner and leave. at the end it was a lil awkward for some reason idk, we sort of ran out of things to talk about. i didn't ask questions somehow or took interest cause I was too conscious what discussions did they have behind my back since I kissed someone and shit.

anyway so I spoke to the best friend of the clg friend that I met her nearby, she said she has gone to the houseparty under the pretext that she is sleeping over at her best friend's. i was shocked and disappointed to hear that lol.

i am hurt because idk what's in me that makes me so unlikeable? i have started questioning my existence altogether