Regrets And Perspectives

[u/Timbucktwo1230]

[u/Jamizon1]

If the wife had life goals such as those, why did she not voice her aspirations before jointly deciding to continue having children?

Why wasn’t there a discussion between both of them about the road ahead, and what the repercussions of having (more) children would mean?

They both made decisions that shaped their future, for themselves and for their family.

The mother vindictively framing the father as the selfish one, in front of their children, while harboring decades of resentment is immature and childish. If the wife felt this way, she had been in that frame of mind for years, and she should have had a private discussion with her husband long before her heart turned cold.

The husband ignored the signs. He looked the other way when, undoubtedly, the wife was giving clear indications that she was resentful and unhappy. These situations don’t manifest over a month or two. I’m sure there were years of frustration, resentment and discontent boiling under the surface.

They are both to blame, and the result of that was victimization of the children.

If this story is true (who can tell anymore?), it’s a sad state of affairs, indeed.

[u/Zealousideal-Cup348 → u/Jamizon1]

Yeah this story says they just happened to get pregnant three times. Nothing they could've done to stop that

[u/Odd-Village-132 → u/Jamizon1]

Yeah very strange. Also seems to be imposing this on her daughter. The daughter shouldn’t sacrifice something she’s not willing to sacrifice if it will cause resentment. But it sounds like that isn’t happening. Mum is projecting her life onto her daughter. She has her own values and has to make her own choices.

[u/complexdevoid → u/Jamizon1]

You would think so but not always and not often. Does she get to say how she feels to her daughter? absolutely yes. Is it comfortable no. This man is actually questioning something which is great. You know those conversations he says his wife said he didn't have? He is still not having it with her it looks like. He wants the validation you just gave him.

[u/Jamizon1 → u/complexdevoid]

I’m not validating either one. Marriage is a commitment between TWO people. They both missed the mark.

However, her airing years of resentment to the daughter is not good. I’m not saying that it isn’t something that should have been said. What I’m saying is, age, time and place are the difference between sharing a life experience and villainizing the spouse, for a total net loss for all involved.

[u/complexdevoid → u/Jamizon1]

And again my position remains. She didn't want her daughter to make the same mistake she made. She has a daughter about to make a life decision and she has life experience to impart to her daughter. It's her job to provide information that could protect her. The fact that it makes everyone uncomfortable is irrelevant

[u/Odd-Village-132 → u/complexdevoid]

Sounds like the daughter knows what she wants and the mother is trying to make amends for her own life. The daughter wants to stay near family.

[u/complexdevoid → u/Odd-Village-132]

Sounds like the daughter will have her mother's experience because she can't be provided with information that could provide her with a healthy path

[u/Burnt_and_Blistered → u/Jamizon1]

It wasn’t exactly “airing years of resentment.” It was telling her child not to make the same mistake. Good parents do that.

[u/Salt-Lingonberry-853 → u/Burnt_and_Blistered]

Why are you being obtuse? Literally no one, not one person in this thread, is telling her she can't give her daughter advice. The "telling her child not to make the same mistake" was also 50% "I dislike your dad because joint decisions all his fault and it's his fault family life ruined my trajectory." You can't seriously not see that the blaming, the complete lack of personal accountability or agency over her own decisions, is what people are objecting to. Seriously, stop being otbuse.

[u/Salt-Lingonberry-853 → u/complexdevoid]

You would think so but not always and not often. Does she get to say how she feels to her daughter? absolutely yes

It is OK to express resentments, regrets, or express that your course of action would not be the wisest to follow. It is NOT OK to blame the husband for joint decisions and for ~15 years of you being miserable because you never properly expressed what you wanted.

[u/complexdevoid → u/Salt-Lingonberry-853]

What part did you miss in this text. He clearly makes promises and fails. Read it. His words. She was direct and to the point with her daughter. Seems like she is able to communicate. She feels like she gave up her career for her man(marriage) That is her experience. She gets to prevent her daughter from doing the same. It's her job as a parent

[u/Salt-Lingonberry-853 → u/complexdevoid]

Why are you being obtuse? Literally no one, not one person in this thread, is telling her she can't give her daughter advice. She was "direct and to the point with her daughter" about how joint decisions all her husband's fault and it's his fault family life ruined her trajectory. You can't seriously not see that the blaming, the complete lack of personal accountability or agency over her own decisions, is what people are objecting to.

Stop. Being. Obtuse.

[u/complexdevoid → u/Salt-Lingonberry-853]

The pot calling the kettle black while not reading the text above them.

[u/Salt-Lingonberry-853 → u/complexdevoid]

Being obtuse didn't work so now it's time for deflection apparently.

[u/complexdevoid → u/Salt-Lingonberry-853]

Doubling down are we. Can't stand women speaking about life . Can't see why protecting your daughter from a miserable future might be necessary if it hurts daddy's feelings. Go away bad person. Stand back this man needs protecting from the evil woman we all just want to ignore. Why is the evil women talking? Make her stop

[u/Salt-Lingonberry-853 → u/complexdevoid]

Doubling down are we. Can't stand women speaking about life . Can't see why protecting your daughter from a miserable future might be necessary if it hurts daddy's feelings.

Oh so it's back to obtuse. Luckily, I already responded to "she's just offering advice" so I can just copy and paste from 2 comments ago:

"Literally no one, not one person in this thread, is telling her she can't give her daughter advice. She was "direct and to the point with her daughter" about how joint decisions all her husband's fault and it's his fault family life ruined her trajectory. You can't seriously not see that the blaming, the complete lack of personal accountability or agency over her own decisions, is what people are objecting to."

Why are you so unwilling to acknowledge the reality here?

[u/Ray0977 → u/Jamizon1]

https://giphy.com/gifs/5QNQv6xmVEaabGsYrg

[u/bbq_R0ADK1LL → u/Jamizon1]

It sounds like the husband was pretty receptive once the wife had actually expressed it in real words, not just "saying it in smaller ways".

Assuming the other person knows how you feel & what you're thinking is one of the most common mistakes in relationships (according to marriage counsellors I've heard). You have to say these things out loud.

Expressing it that way for the first time in front of their daughter is a pretty hostile move. Both parties have made mistakes, but bringing their kids into marital drama is a big one. Trying to make a child lose respect for their father is not cool.

They should go to counselling, because it sounds like they're both bad at communication.