Regrets And Perspectives

[u/Timbucktwo1230]

[u/EternalNewCarSmell]

The other part of this situation is sometimes the one who "keeps moving forward" feels trapped and like they didn't have a choice either.

I make a very comfortable salary for my family and by most accounts am pretty successful in my career. But I am not really doing what I would most like to be doing with my time. I'm just not good enough at what I love to do to make any money at it, nor would I want to do it in a way that pays.

So even being "the successful one" who "got to" progress in their career doesn't necessarily feel good.

And who know, maybe if I did what I really wanted after all I'd be mourning this unrealized version of myself that got to make way more money.

I think the moral of the story is not to mourn things that never were or to dwell too much on past choices, because you can't actually act on any of that and it'll just eat you up.

[u/weGloomy → u/EternalNewCarSmell]

The difference is that you have a career, so if you wanted to do something different you have TONS of options. A lot of women who sacrifice their careers will come out of a shitty, or abusive marriage and have nothing. No career, no education, no means to support themselves. Its very difficult to even get an entry level job after being a sahm and having such a huge gap in your resume. Thats the sacrifice.

Sure it sucks to pigeon hole yourself into a career because of your repsonsibilities, I totally get that, but its not nearly the same as pigeon holing yourself into having no career. Like shes missing out on 20 years worth of career growth, and economic growth, and personal growth. Shes chained to that man for the sake of the kids, and the sake of her own well being after sinking 20 years into it and having nothing to show for it.

Thats why a lot of the younger generation are not getting married, and are not giving up their careers for men/family and expecting men to split the house hold labour and share the responsibility of raising the kids. Cause they can see how dangerous and devastating it can be to give up your ability to provide for yourself and be fully reliant on a man.

[u/StreetCollar2708 → u/weGloomy]

Where did she say this was a shitty or abusive marriage?

[u/duck_duck_boots → u/weGloomy]

Also sacrificing 20 years of retirement investments. If they get divorced hopefully she'll get part of his but will it be enough is she can't find a job? Is she now going to have to worry about becoming a burden to her children?

[u/JayJayAK → u/duck_duck_boots]

More than that, let’s say you marry a great guy who can provide and you want to be a stay at home mom. What if something happens to your husband? What if he’s killed in an accident or has a heart attack? What if he’s left unable to work?

Life is unpredictable. It’s basic wisdom to be sure you have a path to take care of yourself, because you don’t know if tragedy will strike.

[u/demon-tea666 → u/weGloomy]

Once kids are at school. What is stopping the mother from going back to school?

[u/kymberts → u/weGloomy]

I had to take high paying jobs to financially support my family. I was made redundant a year and a half ago after 15 years. My field is now dying and there are no more jobs for me. I do not have tons of options. I need to go back to school to learn a new skill. Essentially, I have no career, no education, no means of supporting myself or my family. This is not a man/woman or homemaker/breadwinner issue. Everyone makes sacrifices for their family, and in the end everyone gets fucked by the system.

[u/Any-Interaction-5934 → u/weGloomy]

What if what you are want to do is be a stay at home parent? But you're the sole financial provider? So your spouse would have to find an equally paying job and agree to switch roles. Yeah, like that will ever happen.

Giving up time with your kids is a sacrifice to many people.

[u/Feisty-Resource-1274 → u/Any-Interaction-5934]

But thats one option of many. For someone who has never been in the work force, there are so many more paths that aren't available.

[u/tboyd21 → u/Feisty-Resource-1274]

But I just don’t get how that’s the husband’s fault in this situation. If you weren’t in the workforce before you got pregnant, you obviously don’t have the option to provide for your family and now he is stuck being the provider and you are stuck being the mother. That’s not on the husband.

[u/Any-Interaction-5934 → u/Feisty-Resource-1274]

Not that many more. Just being in the workforce doesn't necessarily mean you can just do some other work. You have to do something in your field. If it's not in your field, then the stay at home should be able to do it also. So what's you have established your career, that's kinda your path forever. And again, if you decide you're going to do something completely different - there's no reason the stay at home couldn't do the same. Go back to school? Do a new training program? Start your own business?

[u/Difficult-Camera-482 → u/Any-Interaction-5934]

I wanted to be a stay at home dad so bad for a year. She decided she no longer wanted to work in the corporate world and makes way less than her earning potential. I have to work a fuckload and have had to do so in some really hard jobs I really didn’t want to do to make up for it at the lifestyle she wants to live. I feel like that counts as a sacrifice.

[u/Brave-Contract7375 → u/[deleted]]

yEaH bUt WhAt AbOuT... /s

[u/AtrociousMeandering → u/[deleted]]

The moral of the story is if you want to get raw dogged, biology happens.

She, if she existed, wanted to go to nursing school but was doing exactly what couples do when they're trying to have a baby. Three separate times. Which, predictably, resulted in a baby and not nursing school each time.

If women have the agency to act as they choose, they can't blame other people for the easily foreseen consequences of their choices, it truly is on them.

[u/skinOC → u/AtrociousMeandering]

You are clueless and have never had to make those choices. 

[u/AtrociousMeandering → u/skinOC]

You haven't the faintest clue who I am. But go ahead, shoot the messenger when you don't have an argument against the message.

[u/koreqwzfp → u/[deleted]]

I think it’s that having children breaks your brain where you’ll consider sacrificing your whole life’s desires for them. And in ways they probably never asked for. I’m sure these kids would have been cool with mom backing off a bit and going back to school 10 years ago.

[u/Majestic_Artichoke55 → u/koreqwzfp]

I can tell you don’t have kids. Both parents are putting aside their personal desire for their kids and family.

It’s pretty amazing having a family, it’s worth most of my personal ambitions.

Bringing up good humans is probably the most important thing a parent can do here. if we want the best for the world.

[u/koreqwzfp → u/Majestic_Artichoke55]

I agree with you I just think parents can really martyr themselves over choices they chose for their children. For example, remaining a stay at home parent for a decade longer than you really wanted. Or working 60hr weeks for 40 years to be upper middle class instead of middle class. 

[u/Majestic_Artichoke55 → u/koreqwzfp]

Yes it’s their choices in the situation. And what they prioritize or see as their roles

[u/No_Garbage_9262 → u/koreqwzfp]

Yep!

[u/GroovyYaYa → u/EternalNewCarSmell]

I still don't think you get it. It isn't how you feel internally, but how you are regarded by the world externally.

[u/EternalNewCarSmell → u/GroovyYaYa]

Why would I possibly care about how I am regarded by the world?

[u/generally_unsuitable → u/EternalNewCarSmell]

Reminds me of Dave Contra's comic from yesterday. https://www.instagram.com/p/DeECgH-EiWF/

[u/EternalNewCarSmell → u/generally_unsuitable]

bruh...

[u/generally_unsuitable → u/EternalNewCarSmell]

They're not all that rough, but an awful lot of them are about this idea of what lives we give up and what we get in return.

[u/EternalNewCarSmell → u/generally_unsuitable]

I've learned to compartmentalize and let go to the extent it is ok for me to read that stuff but it sure is heavy.